Playing Hard to Get: Not Just a Game

This topic has come to my attention a lot lately without being perceived as desperate. And while I have another article on ways to avoid seeming desperate, I thought I would focus on this subject, more in depth, so that I can help you to gain some control in your dating life. And that is how to play hard to get with a girl.

I’ll be honest, in the beginning, I thought playing hard to get was beneath me, a complete waste of my time and other people’s time, too. However, over the years, I have come to understand that playing hard to get, when used correctly and appropriately, is, in fact, not a game.

I'm not playing hard to get I am hard to get sign

On the contrary, it is a way to increase your dating value by creating some desire and demand for you by women. So in this article, we will look at why playing hard to get works and how you can do it.

First, let’s start with what playing hard to get can do for you and what it achieves:

  1. It increases the demand for your time and attention amongst women.
  2. It also tests someone’s commitment to you. If they’re just looking for a hookup, they will get bored and move on. However, if they are looking for longevity in a relationship, this is a good test of someone’s commitment to you.

I should also clarify something and that is that playing hard to get is neither intended nor useful in securing a one night stand, fling, booty call, or a casual encounter. Those types of relationships focus on immediacy and instant gratification.

Playing hard to get is, however, useful in creating attraction in a potential long term relationship. It creates tension through the give and take of attention.

Why Playing Hard To Get Works

The best way that I have come to understand why playing hard to get works is from Robert B. Cialdini. In his book, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, he suggests that there are six principles that influence persuasion: reciprocity, commitment/consistency, social proof, authority, liking, scarcity. Why I bring this up is because of the sixth principle, scarcity.

In business, and in all things related to life, people are more likely to acquire something if they know there is little of it available and if it is difficult to obtain.

supply and demand cartoon

If we apply this same principle to people, we can begin to understand why not being readily available to people makes them more likeable and desirable. It’s the simple law of supply and demand. When the supply is scarce, the demand is great and so is the product’s value.

Playing hard to get is not meant to be a game, or turn into anything negative. The intention behind playing hard to get is asserting your value and setting a standard of how you want to be treated. It is all part of creating attraction and building that want and desire in a girl to be with you. If you make yourself scarce, you let people know that you’re valuable, and, in dating, that is everything.

Let’s think of it this way, if you were to eat at McDonald’s every day, would it still be as exciting to you if you were to only eat it once a week or even just one a month? My guess is that it wouldn’t be that exciting and or even special; it would become routine and expected.

Scarcity creates demand in business and in relationships. Relationships that start off in the heat of passion—and are all consuming—have an expiry date. In time, one party usually ends up getting sick of the other one. Spending time together all day every day doesn’t allow for any time to miss one another. And that is key in the beginning stages of any romantic relationship.

That is where playing hard to get comes in because it creates a desire in each other to want to be together. Time apart, like distance, makes the heart grow fond.

woman trying to kiss a man

So let’s discuss some ways to play hard to get. But, remember, you’re not playing impossible to get; you’re letting people know that you have a life and are not readily available at a moment’s notice. You need to give into the chase in order to keep her around.

How To Play Hard To Get

  1. Take your time responding to text messages, emails and/or phone calls. Don’t respond immediately to text messages. But also, don’t forget to respond. Take your time because you don’t have to rush this.
  2. Be confident without divulging every feeling and emotion right away. A way to do this is to be a tad mysterious.
  3. Limit physical contact. Touch, but don’t overdo it. Make it seem accidental so that when it does happen, it really resonates with your crush.
  4. Actually, be busy! Keeping a busy and active life is the best way, and most genuine way, to play hard to get. And it is attractive to women when you have passions and spend time doing things that you love.
  5. The give and take in flirting is a really key way in building tension and increasing the attraction between you and a girl.

Alright, those are just five ways to play hard to get and those should get you started.

Remember that playing hard to get, if you have good intentions, is one of the best ways to avoid seeming desperate to a woman, and it is a surefire way to build attraction with her.



About Kate Spring

Kate Spring is a men's dating & attraction coach from Vancouver, Canada. A recognized leader in helping men become irresistible to women, Kate works with clients from around the world, helping them to get the girl they want, and the relationship they deserve.
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