Reader Question: Give Up Trying To Win Back An Ex?
Earlier this week I got a message from “Chase R.” (not his real name) who is from Manchester, UK. Chase asks,
I have been following all your advice trying to get my ex girlfriend back, but even after more than 2 months I feel like I haven’t made any progress. She talks to me and responds to my texts, and I don’t think she’s dating anyone else, but I just get the feeling it’s a dead end. How do I know when to give up? Hope to hear back, cheers mate.
Thanks for the question, Chase. It’s a great question. So great, in fact, that it’s worthy of a blog post!
So, in summary: You’ve done everything right so far. You’ve gone through the “no contact” phase, which I recommend. You’ve sent some great text messages to your ex to spark her interest. And you’ve been doing your best to reverse the roles and get her interested again.
But you’ve got nothing to show for it.
I sympathize with your situation. Very few things in life are more frustrating than loving someone who refuses to love you back.
But, you’re not looking for sympathy, you’re looking for advice. So let’s talk about when it’s time to call it quits on your efforts to win her back.
The first thing you need to realize is that, while more than 90 percent of all breakups can be reversed, there’s still some situations (one in 10, roughly) where no amount of effort will make any difference at all. So failure is always a possibility, unfortunately.
Don’t Forget the Element of Time
Secondly, you also need to remember that time is a key element to getting your ex back. It takes time for an ex to let go of the negative memories and become nostalgic about the positive ones. The longer you were together — and the deeper the wounds that arose out of your breakup — the more time it will take for your ex to begin to miss you.
If you’ve read my book, then you probably know that I recommend doing whatever you can to “reinvent yourself” in the weeks after your initial breakup. I assume you’ve done this, and you’ve subtly communicated the “new you” to your ex via social media, mutual friends and brief conversations?
If you’re certain that your ex knows about how awesome your life is now — about the girls you’ve been dating and the crazy fun things you’ve been doing — and she hasn’t asked about it or shown any curiosity, that’s not a positive signal.
But it’s just one thing that might indicate it’s time to give up, and not enough by itself to force your decision.
Evaluate Your Contact with Her
You also need to evaluate the conversations and communication you’ve had with your ex since the breakup. Has she been receptive to your messages, and replied immediately, seeking to continue the conversation?
Or has she been cold, slow to reply and generally uninterested in chatting with you? If it’s the latter, that’s another sign things aren’t going well.
If you’ve tried to gently and subtly incite some jealousy in your ex, and it didn’t seem to provoke any kind of response at all, then that’s also a bad sign.
Evaluate Your Past with Her
Finally (and this isn’t always easy to do) you need to evaluate the true depth of the bond that you and your ex shared when you were together. Was it true love that you had with this girl? Did she feel the same way? Did you spend every minute together, and have plans to get married and spend your lives together?
If you’re very young, or if you have little experience in the world of dating and relationships, it’s possible that your feelings were not quite as strong as you thought they were.
While that should make it easier to find someone new that you feel equally strong about, it also means that your ex may not feel the same need to get back together with you.
At the end of the day, there’s no need to actively “give up” trying to get your ex back.
You just need to decide when it’s time to stop actively reaching out to her and trying to get her to want you back. If you reach this point, then it’s all in your ex’s hands anyway, and there’s nothing more you can do but wait (and, while you’re waiting, start dedicating yourself to finding a new love with someone new).
If you want to be 100% certain you’ve done everything properly, I recommend you visit my website and check out my e-book. Read it cover to cover, and you can be sure that you’ve given yourself the best possible chance at getting your ex back.
Best of luck, Chase. I hope it works out for you!
