Sex is complicated and mysterious in many ways, although it is quite straightforward in other ways. Culturally, we surround sex with an exciting mystique, and we usually look forward to having sex with someone we are dating. But sometimes we wonder how things will go. Sometimes we are anxious. Is there a way to tell ahead of time whether a guy we are dating is going to be good in bed?
There are no guarantees, but here are some signs that will give you a pretty good idea.
Is he kind?
If he’s a nice guy, and treats you well, that’s already a great sign. Why? Because a guy who cares about you cares about giving you a pleasurable, satisfying sexual experience. He cares about what you want, what will make you happy. In bed, that translates into him taking good care of you and making a connection with you. How men treat the things that are important to them suggests how they’ll treat the important persons in their life.
Is he curious about you?
How interested is he in you as a person? A guy who asks questions about your life, your job, your family, your interests, your friends, your dreams, your successes and failures, and who remembers what you tell him, is genuinely interested in you. A guy who checks his smartphone when he’s with you, rather than paying attention to you, is interested in himself, or in somebody else who isn’t you. If you two are on a date, eating a fancy dinner at a restaurant, standing in line at a food truck, or enjoying a romantic meal at home, he should be paying full attention to you, not his phone. If he checks his phone during sex, well, forget about it!
Of course, the reverse applies to you! If you would rather update your social media status or check the news feed than actually pay attention to your date, what message are you sending him? What message are you sending yourself?
If he’s genuinely curious about you, he will be genuinely curious about what you like in bed, whatever that may be. He will find out, either by asking you, or by exploring and learning on his own. That curiosity is a good thing, and will pay dividends in bed.
Is he fit?
By this I don’t mean does he have washboard abs or look like an underwear model or body builder or elite Olympic athlete. But if he’s in decent shape for his age and takes care of himself, that’s a good sign. Not only will he have better endurance in bed, but you can be pretty sure he knows how to use his body. You’d be surprised how many people are uncomfortable in their own body. And if a guy’s not comfortable with his own body, he may not know what to do with yours.
Is he sexy?
Does he turn you on? This is one of the most important factors. If you find him attractive and want to fuck his brains out, then you are likely to have a good time with him. A big part of your sexual enjoyment arises from your own attraction to your man. Some of that, experts think, is subtle chemicals like pheromones, while others say it has to do with how bilaterally symmetrical his face is. Fortunately, you don’t need to read any scientific studies or measure the angle between his ear and jawline with a protractor to know whether you find him sexy. You either do or you don’t. If you do, you will enjoy yourself more.
Does he use pornography?
Porn has been around since Pompeii, and probably even longer, but with the arrival and explosion of the Internet, it has become impossible to avoid and difficult to ignore. Nobody knows for sure, since people don’t always answer sex surveys truthfully, but many, if not most, men watch pornography.
Porn takes many forms, and it isn’t always a problem if a guy watches it. But think about it – if he consumes a steady diet of pornography, he’s going to be comparing you to the fake, photoshopped, blemish-free, always eager, pneumatically inflated women he sees in porn. They aren’t real people, rather they are sexual athletes who perform extraordinary, impossible physical feats that you can’t possibly hope to equal, even if you wanted to. He may also have unrealistic expectations of himself and will be unhappy when he fails to achieve them.
Plenty of couples enjoy porn together, and it can be a great tool to help each other get excited and enjoy satisfying sex. But eventually, a guy who spends hours every day watching it without you is going to start needing it to get turned on, and he’s going to start expecting you – subconsciously or consciously – to perform like a porn star. And although some women enjoy pornography and although there is pornography aimed at women, the vast majority of porn, especially that watched by men, is specifically aimed at arousing men and getting them off. Everything the women in porn do is for that purpose, and the makers of porn are experts at pushing those buttons.
But what this type of porn is not at all focused on is satisfying you, or helping you achieve a more intimate and passionate connection with your man. If you get the sense he sees “sex” as some sort of heroic athletic endeavour ending in an orgasm for him, and maybe one for you, too, if you’re lucky, or maybe with a token one for you at the start, then things aren’t likely to be all that satisfying for you. Of course, if you see “sex” that way, too, you’ve got some thinking to do.
If either of you have to imagine some other scenario or person in your mind during sex in order to reach a climax, the experience may be somewhat satisfying on a physical level, but it probably won’t be as good as it could be. You deserve a man who is turned on by you, not by an unreal fantasy in his head.
Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a relationship with a guy who watches porn – that’s going to eliminate 99 percent of the candidates, after all, and it’s already difficult enough. But you should pay attention to how he relates to pornography. Does he use it, or does it use him?
What do you mean by ‘good in bed’ anyway? This is the question I should have started this list with. How, after all, can we talk about whether a guy will be good in bed if we don’t explain what that means?
I can’t answer this question for you, gentle reader, but I can encourage you to think about how you would answer it. While you’re dating this guy, you will get a sense of whether he is genuinely interested in you, whether he cares for you as a person, and whether he sees sex as part of building an intimate connection with you.
“Sex,” after all, isn’t just intercourse. Sex is not a substitute for intimacy. It is an important ingredient in true intimacy. Think of “good sex” more as a spectrum, with touching and other physical closeness at one end, ranging through caressing and massage, kissing, mutual masturbation, all the way to full on intercourse at the other end. If you think of “good sex” just as a set of physical movements ending in a climax, it isn’t likely to be all that satisfying for either of you.