Get An Avoidant Back By Moving On

When you’re dealing with an avoidant ex, chasing them feels like trying to hold on to smoke.

The more you grab, the more it slips away.

But you’re missing something about avoidants that’s crucial to reconnecting with them.

And it’s something that will drive you crazy until you really understand it: the more attention you give an avoidant, the more they’ll pull away from you.

I call this The Avoidant’s Paradox and it means that the fastest way to make an avoidant ex feel safe enough to return is by showing them that you’re moving on and that you don’t care what they do.

So let’s break down this idea, because it can be pretty hard to put into practice if you don’t understand exactly how it works.

Many people think that this means that they just have to ignore their ex and be super cold to them. And then they’re surprised when they end up all alone.

Because there’s more to it than that.

The Avoidant Attachment Mindset

Many people look at avoidants as cold, unfeeling robots but that’s not it at all. Really, avoidants feel things very deeply. So much so that their feelings can easily become scary and overwhelming. That’s actually why they developed the strategy of avoidance in the first place: to escape situations that were causing them to feel fear and confusion.

Avoidants struggle with intimacy because closeness feels threatening to them. When things get too emotionally intense or vulnerable, their instinct is to retreat—to create space.

This comes from trauma in childhood. It doesn’t need to be dramatic like the opening scene of a 90’s disney movie. Typically it comes from a subtle sort of parental neglect. Children need attention, validation, love, safety and to be listened to.

So to get these needs fulfilled, the child will make demands of their parents: watch me dive, hug me, pick me up, etcetera. And when the parent fails to meet these needs, or downright belittles or dismisses the child for having them, that is the moment that avoidant attachment starts to form.

Basically the child comes to believe that trying to get close to another person, asking them for help only leads to embarrassment and shame so it’s better to keep these feelings inside and handle them internally.

Of course, avoidants still have emotional needs that they can’t fulfill so they seek out relationships but the idea of truly trusting someone and letting them in is terrifying–because of their past experiences–so they keep their distance, avoid and pull away. Not all the time, but enough to create a destructive pattern, and especially when things start to get more intense and high stakes.

And because breakups are extremely stressful, they can trigger this avoidance like nothing else. The pain of the breakup brings up old feelings and so they pull away from you to try to avoid facing them.

That’s why when you try to reach out to them after the breakup they act like you just hit them with your car.

Whenever you pursue them, reach out often, or try to force connection, it triggers their avoidance because they don’t know how to navigate these new emotions. To them, it feels like you’re putting emotional pressure on them that they can’t handle. So they run away.

But when you do the opposite—detach, focus on yourself, and truly begin to move on—you avoid feeding into this negative cycle and you give them the space they need to realize that you’re not a threat…you’re the love of their life. All they have to do is let you in.

Why Moving On Works (Even If You Want Them Back)

This is a really scary and difficult step to take—it feels like you’re admitting defeat and letting them slip away—but it really is the best move in this situation because of how it affects your ex’s emotions.

Remember, they’re not the cold, unfeeling person that they may seem like right now. Their emotions are running wild, even though they won’t show it.
And when you start living your life without them and moving towards a new future, that’s when they really start to miss you like nothing else. Here’s why:

1. The Pressure Is Off

Avoidants fear being overwhelmed. They feel powerful emotions–good or bad–and they feel like they’re under attack. This is no joke.

I’ve talked to some avoidants who literally experience a feeling of pressure in their chest when they get into emotionally charged situations.

But when you go out of your way to remove the pressure, by giving them a ton of space and moving on, they feel the opposite: a sense of immense relief and calm.

When they realize that you’re not coming back, at first, they think “I’m safe now. They’re not coming to pull me back into something I’m not ready for. But this relief doesn’t last for long.

2. They Are Forced To Face The Truth

Now that you’re gone, they’re no longer stuck in fight or flight, they have a chance to think. And that’s when they’ll be hit with the full force of their decision. They’ll see that you’re really, truly going to be gone from their life forever if they don’t do something.

Because, when you stop chasing, they stop running. And they ask themselves “why am I running from the person that I love?”

This is something that avoidants rarely think about because they steer clear of these kinds of emotional topics…another form of avoidance. But without you there to distract them, they have no choice but to face the music and realize that they’re the one at fault here, not you.

3. You Become Emotionally Safe Again

This is the real thing that avoidants want…emotional safety. They want to know that they can connect with another person on their own terms without feeling like they have to be someone they’re not and without being pressured to move too fast.

By chasing after them post breakup, you were showing your ex that you aren’t that person. You weren’t respecting their unspoken boundaries and you were trying to make them act in a way that they didn’t want. Incidentally, this can have a lot to do with why you two broke up in the first place.

But now that you’re giving them space and allowing them to understand the breakup and move at their own pace, they start to feel like you can be a safe place for them again.

RELATED: If You Want Your Ex Back, Don’t Ignore This

This is why being low key and non judgemental and taking things slow is always going to win over an avoidant. Their freedom is what they value most so they need to feel like they’re safe.

4. You Reclaim Your Value

Desperation isn’t attractive. Confidence is. When you stop begging your ex for attention and instead invest that energy into your own growth, healing, and joy, it changes how they look at you.

You’re no longer someone chasing them, you’re someone they’re going to lose. And avoidants fear loss in a major way.

5. You Create Space for Curiosity

Avoidants don’t open up under pressure. They open up when they’re curious and interested. They need to be attracted to you in a powerful way. And I’m not talking just physically.

When they sense your absence they start to wonder why you haven’t reached out. Are you moving on? Are you over them? Were you ever really into them in the first place?

This can cause the avoidant to panic, worrying about their own value in the dating world and wondering if they’ll end up all alone. They’ll also want to know what you’re doing without them.

That curiosity can grow into longing but only if you give them the space and time to feel it.

How To Actually Move On (Without Faking It)

This is important: if it comes across like you’re only pretending to move on, it’s going to backfire and make them run away from you even faster. Remember: avoidants don’t like emotional pressure so if it looks like you’re trying to manipulate them, they’re not going to stick around for long. So I want you to truly commit to the idea of letting go…at least for now. Here’s how:

First, you need to go No Contact immediately. There’s no negotiating your way around this one. You may think “I’ll go No Contact but I’m still going to talk to them here and there.” No. There’s no negotiating around this one if you really want to change your ex’s mind.

Remember, they’re very sensitive to emotional pressure and so your weekly check in text or your casual “what’s up?” message at 1 am when you’re drunk, is going to undo all the good you’ve done with No Contact.

So get used to the idea of not talking to your ex for at least 30 days following the breakup. You don’t have to block their number and snub them on the street but you need to be committed to this decision if you want it to work.

Next, you need to find meaning in your life again. I know the breakup threw you for a loop but you have an opportunity here. Reconnect with friends and family. Pursue hobbies and goals. This doesn’t need to be a total, ground up transformation but even a small change can be hugely significant if it’s done with intention.

Through this process, you should be focusing on your self worth. Ask yourself, “would I want to get back with the version of me I was after the breakup? The one who chased, cried, begged, and overthought every text?

Or would I want the calm, confident version of me who knows their value and doesn’t succumb to despair regardless of what happens? I think you know the answer. Now you just have to live it.

What If They Never Reached Out?

Here’s the truth no one tells you: Sometimes you can do everything right and your ex will still move on. I know you just wish that you could have a guarantee but that’s never going to happen.

Part of this process is always going to be accepting that uncertainty. Don’t hold too tightly onto the idea that getting your ex back HAS to happen and it’s going to fix all your problems. Remember, you can have a good life regardless of what happens.

Because this process isn’t just about getting them back—it’s about getting YOU back.
If your avoidant ex doesn’t return, then this has still been a very valuable time for you. You saved yourself from a cycle of inner turmoil and you set yourself up for success in just about any situation.

Because moving on means accepting that you might never get them back—and being okay with that.

But if they do come back—which they often do—it’s going to be a different situation…a healthier one. A situation where you’re no longer the anxious pursuer, but a grounded, confident version of yourself they haven’t met yet.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.