If you’re struggling to get your ex back, it’s probably because you’re failing to address one very important thing.
I know, it can be an overwhelming process.
You’re laser-focused on winning them back…doing everything you can to change their mind and maximize your chances with them.
At the same time you’re dealing with the crushing pain of the breakup and trying to pick up the pieces of your life. And now I’m asking you to think about one more thing…juggle one more ball… but the truth is that if you put your focus on this one thing then it’s going to actually make the process much easier for you.
In fact, if you focus on this then you’re going to be able to let everything else go and watch as things fall into place.
And that thing you need to focus on is your ex’s DESIRE.
Yes, during this process it’s easy to get very wrapped up in what YOU want. Since you’re pining after them and trying to get them back, you’re essentially treating them as more of a goal and less of a person. This is only natural since they ARE your goal right now. All you can think about is getting them back in your arms.
But if you can look at them as more of a whole person, you’re going to help your chances of making this happen and the way to do that is to focus on their DESIRE.
Why Your Ex’s Desire Matters
Now first off, I don’t want you to confuse desire with what your ex wants. What they WANT–or think they want–shouldn’t be your main priority here. First of all, this is a confusing time for them. They’ve just ended a significant relationship and that can really upset priorities and routines. So chances are they don’t really know what they want. Second, if you focus on giving them what they want then you’re only going to come across pathetic. You don’t want to be a people pleaser…buying them gifts and picking them up at the airport. That’s not what this is about. You need to remain confident and in control.
That’s why you need to focus on their DESIRE. Desire is, essentially, a deeper level of need. These are the things that every man or woman pines for on a subconscious level…it’s what they NEED… So if you don’t fulfill your ex’s desires then you don’t have any chance of getting them back.
But don’t be put off. The good news is that you already know how to do this…you did it early on or you’d never have built a relationship. You did this all without ever truly being aware of what you were doing. Now we just have to take these unconscious actions and make them deliberate.
In this video I’m going to tell you the four ways for you to make your ex feel desire for you that you probably haven’t thought of. Stick around for the last one because it’s a little controversial because it’s so effective.
Create The Future Your Ex Wants
If you want them back then you’re going to need to think long term. Whether or not they brought this up, chances are this had something to do with why the relationship ended, right?
You won’t want to stay with someone if you’re not sure what the future holds. But even if that had nothing to do with it. Right now your future is CLEARLY in doubt and your ex will only want to reconnect if they think that you can actually move forward as a couple. You need to remove that doubt and replace it with certainty.
Now this isn’t just about providing for them financially, though that can be part of it. It’s about showing them that you are ready, willing and capable of creating a future with them.
So this can mean stopping the negative behaviours that led to the breakup. It can mean focusing on your career and setting yourself up for the future. It can mean moving to be closer together–if the circumstances allow.
Basically you need to show them a future where you two can be happy together. So you need to know what kind of future your ex wants. Have you two talked about getting a dog together? Well if you’re still taking trips with your friends twice a month, that’s going to be on your ex’s mind when they imagine your future together.
Think long term here. Many people get caught up on removing the immediate obstacles—like shaving the mustache she hates or getting a more reliable car so you can visit him more often—but you need to think about what’s going to set you up for a better FUTURE. I had one client who started learning her ex’s first language so that she could communicate with his family better. This is obviously a big undertaking but it’s something you should consider if you really are in it for the long haul.
And again, you shouldn’t be telling your ex all about this as if you’re laying out a retirement plan for them. This isn’t a sales pitch. You need to SHOW them this future with your actions rather than words.
Focus On The Physical Connection
When a relationship lasts a while, it’s pretty common for things to mellow out physically. But just because it’s a natural development doesn’t mean that you should just accept it.
Here’s the good news…you have a few things on your side here. First, you know what your ex likes. You’ve been together for long enough that you have a general sense of what makes them feel good physically.
And I’m not just talking sex here. You know if they like to be held, if they like public displays of affection, if they like a slap on the butt when you walk by. These are things that can easily fall by the wayside as time passes and people get busy.
Now is the time to reclaim this stuff, assuming you and your ex are connecting and spending more time together, that is. Don’t just grope them the next time you run into them in the supermarket.
And the other thing you have on your side is that you and your ex have had some time apart since the breakup. This will make you both more lonely and touch-starved so any sort of physical contact is going to be MUCH more effective. This will make a simple hug feel electric…so don’t discount the influence it can have on your ex.
And on top of that, you know your ex is comfortable with you which gives you an advantage over every other person out there in the dating market…yes, I hate to say it but there is a chance that your ex is starting to date again now that you two are split up, despite what they may tell you.
Remember, you two aren’t in a relationship so they don’t have any obligation to stay faithful to you…just a heads up.
Address Your Own Issues
This isn’t as sexy as physical touch but it’s VITAL if you want your ex back.
Think of it this way: imagine you’re totally single. You’re at a party and you see someone from across the room. It’s like time stops. They’re stunning and they’re looking right at you.
Could this be the person you’ve been looking for all your life? They approach you and once they get within five feet of you, you’re hit with a powerful wave of stench that makes you feel sick.
Does it matter anymore how attractive this person is? Is there anything they could say that would make up for the disgusting smell that’s oozing out of their pores? Of course not.
Now you may not stink like a garbage dump but if you have a lot of personal issues that are evident to the people around you then it’s going to interfere with desire in exactly the same way. You may think you can hide these things but no one can see them more clearly than your ex.
When they think about getting back together with you, they weigh the pros and cons in their head. THESE are the cons that they’re thinking about.
RELATED: Why Your Ex Can’t Make Up Their Mind
So if you can identify these issues and address them, you’re eliminating a barrier to their desire…it will actually make them less resistant to spending time with you and getting back together.
So what am I talking about here? Maybe you drink too much. Maybe you smoke. Maybe you have unaddressed mental illness that you’ve refused to get treatment for. Maybe you have bad breath or dress like you’re in the circus.
I’m sure you can think of at least a few things that you can start working on today.
Now I know this may feel impossible, but the trick is that you don’t actually have to completely eliminate these issues. You just have to show that you’re making a concerted effort. Maybe you cut your smoking or drinking down significantly. Maybe you go on a diet.
Whatever it is, it’s going to show your ex that you’ve heard their concerns and you’re trying to address them. That’s what’s most important here.
So if you can create the future they want, maximize your physical connection AND address your own issues, you’re well on the way to making your ex desire you like crazy.
Use Their Loneliness Against Them
This is a little devious so I thought I’d keep it for the end, for those of you who TRULY want to make this happen.
To make your ex feel desire for you, you have to play on their loneliness. This might be a little sketchy but desperate times call for desperate measures. To do this, start by giving your ex space after the breakup. How long this is going to take will depend on how close and long your particular relationship was…but basically you need to refrain from talking to them in any way for at least a few weeks.
This is going to be difficult, I know. But it’s going to be even harder for your ex because they’re not making a conscious choice to do this…but you are.
Here’s why this works: usually after a breakup you have a little contact here and there. This can be to smooth things over or to help you both to feel connected to another human being in what can be one of the most difficult times in life. But you don’t want your ex to feel better about the breakup…You don’t want them to feel connected.
Your goal here is to make them feel as lonely as possible so that all they can think about is how much they miss you. This is how you create desire…by keeping your distance. You can’t desire something when you know you can have it easily. You need to think that it’s just out of reach.
This may feel cruel but it’s really not. When the relationship ended, you were essentially agreeing to separate from this person. They don’t now get to dictate that you’re taking too much space.
Now, whether this time has passed or you’re already reconnecting, you can still create this space for them to desire you more deeply. Essentially you have to play a little hard to get. Don’t answer their messages right away. Don’t be afraid to leave them on read for a few hours. Don’t be too available to them when they want to make plans. Basically make them worry that if they don’t act fast, you could be gone.