Escape The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

When an anxious person dates an avoidant it’s usually a recipe for chaos.

Constant conflict, unmet needs and hot and cold behaviour can dominate the dynamic.

But there is a way you can stop the cycle and get back together for good.

So if you’re anxious and your partner is an avoidant, this will sound familiar: they always kept you at a distance and so you felt like you had to beg them to show you love and affection.

This dynamic wasn’t satisfying for either of you–they felt smothered and you felt neglected—and eventually, it led to a breakup…or maybe even several breakups.

First off, you need to know that this is a very common situation that happens in a lot of relationships.

And it is fixable, even if you two aren’t even talking right now. Because the thing that’s drawing the two of you together is just as powerful as what’s pushing you apart.

So for the purposes of this article, I’m going to assume that the two of you are currently in the “off” part of your “on-and-off” relationship, but this advice will be useful even if they’re just pulling away from you and you don’t know how to get through to them.

The Anxious-Avoidant Treadmill

There’s a tendency in relationships to fall into patterns. And these patterns can be tough to break. So let’s talk about yours.

• Do you ever feel like you’re too much for your partner?
• Do you ever get accused of pushing them to move too fast, too quickly?
• Do you always want more love, affection and attention?
• Do you feel like you’re constantly trying to get a measure of your partner’s moods and emotions?
• Are you constantly worried that they’re going to end the relationship and leave you all alone?

These are the hallmarks of anxious attachment and these anxieties can make it difficult to connect with someone you love.

But it’s not all bad. People with anxious attachment have huge hearts, they’re very loving and they’re attentive to their partner’s moods and needs. But because this is their baseline, they tend to judge others based on their own example. Meaning that if their partner fails to live up to their same level of affection and attention that they offer, they think that something is wrong… that the other person is pulling away.

And when they feel this way, they reach for the tools of the anxious person: they worry about the problem non stop. They demand more love in order to try to prove that their partner cares for them. They become very clingy.

And on the exact opposite end is the avoidant partner.

They feel overwhelmed by what most people would consider reasonable expectations in a relationship. They feel smothered by the other person’s love. They feel as though they’re being pressured to act in ways that make them uncomfortable.

For the avoidant person, the danger in a relationship isn’t being ignored and taken for granted, it’s feeling consumed by the relationship and losing their identity as an individual.

They feel this way because they lack some of the emotional skills that many of us take for granted. They struggle to communicate their needs and their boundaries and they find conflict to be very overwhelming.

So to avoid feeling discomfort, they try to keep a distance from their partners. And when issues crop up, they take even more distance, trying to handle the problem as an individual rather than take the risks they associate with a face-to-face conflict.

So you see the issue here: Where the anxious person clings, the avoidant pulls away.

Where the anxious person demands more closeness, the avoidant always wants more freedom.

And these two cycles feed off one another. The avoidant keeps their distance, so the anxious person gets scared and so they reach for MORE closeness and ask more questions.

This triggers the avoidant and so they pull away. And this feels like a rejection which triggers the anxious person and on and on.

Eventually you have a relationship where one person is barely present and the other is extremely demanding and suspicious of their partner’s every move.

This seems like an insurmountable obstacle but many people are able to overcome it and live happy lives in an anxious-avoidant partnership. So how does this happen?

The Anxious-Avoidant Connection

The thing about anxious avoidant relationships is that they’re very common…more common than you’d think, knowing that the two groups represent small minorities in terms of their attachment style. So what is it that keeps bringing these seemingly incompatible groups together?

Well that’s the thing: they’re actually not as incompatible as they might seem. Because anxious and avoidant people actually have a lot of complementary traits that can be huge benefits in their relationships.

Anxious people are very emotionally intelligent and aware. They’re very loving and affectionate and they bring out the best in their partners because they genuinely pay attention to them. For the avoidant, this is huge.

Because the avoidant often feels unloved. They push people away and then feel all alone.

But having someone there who loves them despite their faults–while intimidating at times—is also hugely validating.

It tells them “I am worthy of love” and because the anxious person is more emotionally intelligent, they can navigate conflict in ways that will help soothe the avoidant’s fears.

And the avoidant has something to offer the anxious person too: stability.

While the romantic connection may have its problems, avoidants tend to have a steadiness that’s inspiring to the anxious person.

They seem unflappable, like nothing bothers them, so the anxious person learns that their intensity isn’t going to destabilize their partner.

And because they emphasize independence, they’re reliable in ways that can calm the anxious person’s nerves.

They may not be as present as they would like, but they’ll be there when they’re needed.

On top of this, the avoidant anxious connection, even when functioning perfectly, is going to require a little independence and distance which prevents problems like codependence and repetitive conflict.

That’s why, when they’re working, avoidant-anxious relationships can be incredibly rewarding. I’ve seen relationships between anxious and avoidant people that work like magic.

The two people support and love one another, give each other space when appropriate and love and affection when needed and neither feels taken for granted or smothered.

But how do you get there? How do you make it work? Well let’s start where you are right now:

The Anxious-Avoidant Breakup

The reason that you’re watching this video is because the two of you are really disconnected right now, but—even though it may look like it’s over—you still have hope for the future of your relationship.

And that’s good, because avoidants and anxious people do get back together more often than other groups.

And here’s why: these breakups happen because of the dynamic we talked about earlier. You want love, they want space. You feel neglected, they feel overwhelmed.

Now, I’m sure that that’s not exactly how it went down, but that was the underlying issue. It interfered with your connection—your trust—which made your relationship fragile.

So when another issue came up, the two of you weren’t able to work through it because your connection was so damaged. You no longer felt like you could trust them… it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

The Path To Connection

So where does that leave you? How can you reconnect with your ex? How can you get back together knowing that this dynamic is likely to break you up again?

How can you show them things will be different and–more importantly–how can you changes things so that they actually are different: more supportive, more equal and less conflicted?

Well the first step is awareness of the issues at play, so just by watching this video to this point you’ve started to understand what’s driving the cycle that’s leading to these issues.

So you know that your relationship blew up because you were too demanding and they were too distant. You know that clinging to them and demanding love is not going to work.

So what WILL work?

1. Match Their Energy

After the breakup, your ex is going to avoid you. In fact, chances are this is the main reason that they wanted the breakup in the first place. They’re scared of this closeness. They wanted space…freedom from the emotional demands that were being made of them. They wanted time to think.

So give them that space. Allow them to have the space that they think they need. Let them process the breakup and sit in silence for as long as it takes.

Because here’s the thing: avoidants often think that what they want—that they need–is solitude. Other people ask too much of them and overwhelm their sense of freedom. But when they have this freedom, they realize that it’s not what they really want.

RELATED: Get An Avoidant Back By Moving On

Because if they truly wanted to be alone, they wouldn’t be having this problem in the first place. Being alone is pretty achievable. Creating a relationship with someone you care about is hard—as you can attest.

But they’re out here making the attempt over and over again. Would they be doing that if they truly wanted to be alone?

No. What they really want is a relationship—one that doesn’t make them feel smothered.

And if you’re able to give them space after the breakup—stop texting them, calling them, asking them what’s wrong, begging for another chance—then you’ll stop threatening their individuality and start looking like the missing piece that they need to finally be happy.

But it goes beyond that. Because when the two of you inevitably reconnect, you have to do your best to maintain this distance, at least for a while. You need to keep matching their energy. This can feel really hard—especially for an anxious person.

Aren’t you just accepting a relationship that you don’t want? One where they get all the space they want and you get none of the closeness?

Well, no, actually, because when you match an avoidant’s energy, they end up coming to you, and you get closer than you could possibly have imagined, without them feeling the need to pull away.

But that only happens if you can follow my advice, including number two on this list

2. Make It Feel Like Their Idea

The thing about avoidants is they often feel out of control in their own relationships. They feel like you have all the power. And that’s because they spend all their time trying to defend their sense of individuality from the threats of the relationship.

It feels like you’re always pushing them for more and they only have two options: deny you and feel like a bad partner, or give in and resent you for asking for more than they’re comfortable with.

So the avoidant is stuck in a very reactive place. Where—to them—you seem proactive. You’re calling the shots, in a way.

Now, I’m sure that it doesn’t feel that way to you. I mean, you’re reacting to them just as much as they are to you. You’re sensing that distance and trying to fill it up.

But from their POV, you’re making moves and they’re just trying to stand still, to maintain equilibrium.

So you need to reverse this dynamic. You need to show them that they’re in control.

And this happens when you give them space and let them come to you. It happens when you defer to their ideas and plans rather than feeling the need to take control. And it happens when you stop pushing them.

In essence, you need to learn to be a little passive sometimes. Now this might sound bad but I’m not asking you to give up your agency at all. It’s all about your perspective.

Because, to be honest, the thing about anxious people is that they tend to be control freaks. They think that if they can make everything around them perfect, they can avoid feeling discomfort and that will fix their anxiety.

But—as I’m sure you’ve experienced—that just creates a situation where they feel like they’re carrying the world on their shoulders.

So taking a back seat sometimes can actually help you and your partner feel more grounded…if you’re able to quiet that part of your mind that says “this isn’t going exactly how I want it to so something must be wrong.”

And you need to focus on this especially when you’re trying to win back your ex. Give them a chance to come to you. Let them direct the flow of conversation.

And above all–give them the chance to move things forward at their own pace. So don’t be the one to push for a phone call, an in-person meetup, physical intimacy—-any of it. When they feel like they’re able to take control, they’re going to feel better about reconnecting.

3. Be A Safe Place

While we use the labels “anxious” and “avoidant”, the truth is that the avoidant feels a lot of anxiety too. They’re just better at hiding it.

And—for them—you’ve become one of the sources of that anxiety. That’s why they chose to break up. They felt like spending time with you–while enjoyable–was creating a lot of stress for them, because you made demands on them emotionally.

That’s why, at least early on in the re-attraction process, you need to

• stop making these kinds of demands on them
• stop begging for their attention
• take it easy on the goodnight or good morning texts
• take the pressure off

But beyond that, you want to show them that you can support them emotionally and that you won’t judge them. So be someone that they can come to with their concerns. It can be hard getting them to open up so never judge or ridicule them.

Instead, lead by example by sharing your thoughts and feelings in a calm and measured manner. This will be a process but if you can do it in a gentle way, you’ll be surprised by how quickly they open up.

4. Get Inside Their Head

So all of my advice to this point will give you an opportunity to get inside your ex’s head and really understand them more thoroughly. But there are limits, especially when the two of you are apart. And you don’t want to pry or you risk scaring them off.

So here’s a good solution: take my free quiz. It’s designed to give you a better sense of what your ex is thinking right now. It’s free, it takes only a few minutes and it will help you understand your chances of rebuilding this connection.

5. Become Emotionally Independent

One of an avoidant’s primary concerns is that you’ll rely on them too much for emotional support and validation. And—honestly—in many cases, this fear is justified. Anxious people tend to need a lot of support…more than an avoidant can give them without feeling overwhelmed.

Your best way to combat this is to develop your own sense of emotional resilience so that you can survive independently from your ex. And there’s no better time for this than the breakup. You have an opportunity to not only survive, but improve yourself, all on your own.

And if you can do this then you’ll feel more confident weathering the storm even if your ex isn’t always there to hold you up.

But this isn’t going to be an easy process. You need to build resiliency through focus and attention. First up, you need to stop wallowing in sadness and avoiding your problems. What I mean is that excessive moping, crying and despair can actually be a distraction from dealing with the reality of the situation.

If you lie in bed all day, focusing on how sad you are without them, you’re not actually engaging with the process of feeling better. Of course, the first few days are bound to be pretty depressing but after that, you need to get up, dust yourself off and start to look at the breakup in a more honest way.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.