The Secrets Your Avoidant Ex Is Keeping From You

What if I told you that there are important things that your avoidant ex doesn’t want you to know?

That they have secrets, some of which they’ve been keeping their whole lives?

And that—once you discover the truth—winning back your avoidant ex will become so much simpler than you can imagine?

I didn’t believe it at first either but after studying avoidant attachment, I’ve seen clear patterns emerge that are impossible to ignore. And once you understand what’s really going on, you’ll see how you can win them back.

SECRET #1: They’re relieved that you’re gone.

I know, it’s hard to hear that your ex is actually doing better without you around, but it’s true. The good news is that it’s actually not personal. The way they feel has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their avoidance.

At their heart, avoidants feel a great deal of mental stress whenever intimacy is involved.

They want connection so they keep reaching for it, but as soon as they get it, they feel overwhelmed.

This is true even when things are going great in your relationship, but it becomes even more overwhelming when things are bad, like when you’re in pain, when you have a fight, or when you experience disconnection.

All of these things create an avalanche of stress for the avoidant, even more so than for the rest of us because they have no outlet for these feelings. They don’t know how to talk about their emotions and so they try to bury them down inside.

So obviously when something as significant as a breakup happens, an avoidant feels like they’re drowning. That’s why, when it’s finally over—the arguments, the tears and the goodbyes—they experience a great deal of relief.

Not only has the storm passed, but now they get to be alone, which is—at least subconsciously—one the avoidant’s primary goals.

But this relief isn’t going to last forever. As time passes, your ex’s relief will fade as they continue to suppress their feelings. Because they can only hold them back for so long. Eventually, those emotions come back with a vengeance.

SECRET #2: They wish you had made it through their walls.

Avoidants put up walls rather than boundaries. The distinction between boundaries and walls is that boundaries are clear: they’re negotiated, they’re explained through communication and they’re flexible when need be. Boundaries are healthy.

They’re put in place to keep you safe but they’re actually beneficial to the relationship, rather than harmful.

Walls are the opposite. They’re hard lines that are invisible to your partner until they’re violated. So when you run into someone’s walls they’ll tend to lash out suddenly and passionately in a way that’s unexpected and hurtful. Walls go beyond protecting yourself and become damaging and isolating.

So avoidants tend to have walls rather than boundaries. And this is very frustrating to their partners because they don’t know how to navigate these hidden barriers. They find they have to walk on eggshells or risk creating huge conflicts. This leads to both awkwardness and disconnection. You’re forced to keep your distance or risk conflict.

Avoidants know that they can be prickly in this way, but they really wish that you were able to navigate these walls and connect with them anyway. Of course—as expectations go—this one isn’t fair to you.

Really, it puts you in an impossible bind. Because overcoming walls takes communication, which they’re unwilling to do. If you’d tried to push through, they’d have freaked out and pulled away. Not exactly rational on their part.

But avoidance isn’t rational because it’s driven by FEAR, which brings us to number 3…

SECRET #3: They’re afraid.

Yes, I know avoidants can often seem cool, calm and collected. They might even seem to be more mature than you because they have all this independence and it seems like they don’t need anyone else.

But really, that isn’t the case at all. Avoidance comes from a place of hurt that happens when a person is a very young child.

Their needs were dismissed or even ridiculed when they were just a kid, and so they learned that relying on someone else is shameful.

So they didn’t get to be avoidant by pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and taking control…they got that way by pushing aside their feelings and pretending they don’t exist.

And that means that they never really processed that fear that they felt all those years ago.

So now that fear manifests itself whenever they get close to someone else. They want that closeness, but when they reach for it, they start to feel that fear all over again and that fear compels them to pull away, to go cold, and to avoid.

But that doesn’t solve their problem. That fear is still there, controlling their actions. So the emotionally stable version of them who is moving on with their life is mostly just a mask for your benefit.

SECRET #4: They aren’t as independent as they want to appear.

As I said, avoidants want to appear independent but really, they need a partner in their lives. In fact, in my time as a breakup coach, I find that I keep running into scenarios with avoidants again and again. It made me wonder why, if avoidants make up about 20% of the population, why am I seeing them crop up in nearly half of relationships I deal with?

The answer would seem to be that avoidants actually get into relationships more frequently than other people do. And while these relationships often have problems, they keep trying to connect with people even when things don’t work out.

RELATED: Escape The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

And another thing about avoidants is that they almost ALWAYS come back for another chance after time has passed.

It’s a very common pattern: you break up, they pull away and you think they’re gone for good. Then, when you’ve finally made your peace and moved on, they show up out of the blue and try to win you back.

To me, this paints a picture of a type of person who—contrary to what they’d have you believe—truly needs other people in their life to be happy.

Sure, they may be good at isolating themselves and being all alone but doing so just brings them down.

What they really want is to be seen and loved by another person…but they keep getting in their own way. Which brings us to the next secret on this list:

SECRET #5: They hate being avoidant.

Avoidants will rarely take responsibility for their avoidant behaviour. To them you’re always overreacting, smothering, and asking for too much. But they really only say those things because they want to avoid being vulnerable.

If they could be honest with you—really honest—they’d tell you that avoidance is the thing they hate most about themselves and it’s what’s holding them back from truly being happy.

This is why they want you to get through their walls and love them anyway. And this is why they’re going to come back to you after time has passed.

SECRET #6: They’re still obsessing about you.

Avoidants will always think about you after a breakup, even if they pretend they don’t. They’ll try not to, but since avoidants are driven by their emotions, they won’t be able to help it.

They’ll keep photos of you hidden away but they’ll pull them out whenever they feel lonely just to get that hit of dopamine.

They’ll unfollow you on Instagram but they’ll search you up a few times a day to see what you’re up to.

When they start dating again—or even when they just think about it—they’ll compare everyone to you and wonder how they’ll ever be able to replace you.

They’ll also dream and fantasize about calling you up and asking you to get back together. But they’ll almost never pull the trigger. And one of the reasons is our seventh secret…

SECRET #7: They don’t know if they’re capable of a relationship.

You may have noticed that your relationship with this avoidant wasn’t very well planned out or discussed—it kind of just fell together. And while it probably felt good, it likely also felt fragile because you never knew what your ex wanted or expected.

And that’s because avoidants don’t like to think about relationships. Because—if they were able to be honest about it—they feel like relationships don’t work for them…like they don’t work for relationships.

RELATED: What Avoidants Feel When You Go No Contact

They know that they struggle to communicate, to share their feelings, to be consistently affectionate and loving. Past experience has shown them that they’re incapable of these things. They’ve always broken down and ran away rather than actually do the work necessary.

So then why are they with you? Well they want that connection—that intimacy—without the expectations that come with a relationship.

So they let you take the lead and create the relationship around them. And they did the bare minimum to keep you from leaving…but they never actually let you in. Then they resented you for trapping them, and you resented them for keeping one foot out the door.

SECRET #8: They know they messed up by letting you go.

The reason that avoidants don’t like to take responsibility is because it would require them to be vulnerable and to do emotional work to change their behaviour.

That’s why they’ll often try to make the breakup your fault. You wanted too much from them and you weren’t able to give them the space they needed.

But really, they know that this was more about them than it was about you. They’ve seen this pattern again and again and it’s become impossible to ignore. So yes, they feel a lot of shame for their role in the breakup.

SECRET #9: They wish you two were more similar.

It’s no surprise that avoidants may wish that you were avoidant like them. They wish you could both shy away from conflict and avoid it all together. They wish you could keep things surface level and avoid risking anything. This would keep them safe.

But at the same time, they also envy many of your qualities…the ones they lack. They wish that they could be more open and honest about their feelings.

They wish they could be vulnerable without the hairs on the back of their neck standing up. And they wish they could connect deeply.

Your ability to do these things makes you really impressive in their eyes. They want to emulate you but they don’t know how.

But if you can reconnect with them in the correct way, if you can create a relationship where they feel safe, then they’re going to be able to do all these things and more. And you two will actually become more similar and more connected than ever.

How To Reconnect With An Avoidant

Even knowing that your avoidant ex is keeping all these secrets, doesn’t guarantee that you can win them back. But it is going to give you a few powerful advantages here.

First, it will give you hope. Knowing that your ex isn’t some cold, emotionless robot who couldn’t care less about the breakup should tell you that you still have a chance of reconnecting with them, regardless of how they’re treating you right now.

And knowing it’s really just an act is also going to help repair some of the resentment you feel towards them, because it will give you empathy. You now know that they hurt just as much as you do. They feel shame, disappointment and sadness and that’s what’s driving them. So that’s going to help reduce your anger.

This is great, because resentment and anger is going to interfere with your plans in a major way.

I’ve had plenty of clients get lost in their anger towards their exes and let it spoil any chance they had. They’ll get close and they’ll start a fight or they’ll demand an apology at the wrong moment, instead of staying the course.

Those apologies will come, but they can’t be your main priority right now. So you need to let go of your bad feelings towards your ex if you want to have any chance at all of connecting.

But that’s only the first step. From there, you need to take things slow and connect with them on their level, while keeping their avoidant attachment style in mind.

It doesn’t matter how much they may want you back, or how much they hate themselves for ending things, they can—and will—still run away from you if you push them to move too quickly.

So basically, you want to let them set the pace. When in doubt, give them space. I know you fear winding up back in the very same broken relationship that just ended, but you need to trust me here.

The thing about dating an avoidant is that it’s actually more about creating a certain dynamic than it is about hitting milestones. And if you can create that dynamic… then intimacy, milestones and connection will all take care of themselves.

Fear is the driving factor behind avoidance. So if you can minimize that fear, you can transform the relationship.

And to do that, you have to avoid putting pressure on your avoidant ex. Because that’s what triggers them. I know it’s not sexy or exciting, but you need to become a master of patience. Don’t call them out of the blue. Don’t text them five times in a row. Don’t show up at their house with flowers. Just wait.

And when you two start to reconnect, keep up the waiting game. Let them ask you out. Give them the chance to reach out to you.

If you only remember one thing it should be this: you can’t rush reconnecting with your avoidant ex, and if you take your time and do it right, you’ll have plenty of time to get where you want to go.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.