Why Your Avoidant Ex Wants To Be Friends

Avoidants have a tendency to act strange after a breakup.

First, they go ice cold. They act like you don’t matter to them at all, like you never mattered.

Then they show up a month or two later acting friendly.

They tell you they miss you, that they’ve been thinking about you.

And what they really want is  to be your friend.

So let’s talk about why your avoidant ex says they want to be your friend, what they’re really after, and what you should do next.

The Truth About Avoidants

People think that an avoidant is someone who pushes people away. But what they’re avoiding isn’t you…it’s their feelings. People–and romantic partners more specifically—are avoided only because they trigger overwhelming feelings in the avoidant.

And while avoidance can help prevent conflict and stress in the short term, the major side effect is that it interferes with very important emotional processes.

To get over a breakup you need to really face your feelings, sort out what went wrong, and accept the truth about it.

But avoidants fail to do this and so the breakup stays in their mind, like an itch that they just can’t scratch.

And that’s why your ex is acting this way. They went cold in an attempt to protect themselves from the feeling surrounding the breakup.

And when that feeling came back, they decided to reach out to you in an attempt to solve the problem. They do miss you, but there’s more to it than that.

But they still look at the relationship—and you—with a lot of anxiety. So they aren’t willing to just be honest about their feelings. So instead they make an offer of friendship. And here’s why this idea appeals to them:

1. Avoidants like distance

Some people see avoidants as these cold, emotionless robots who just want to live their lives alone. But this isn’t really true. If it were, they wouldn’t have sought out a relationship with you in the first place.

What they’re really after is distance. In their ideal setup, they have access to you whenever they want for comfort, intimacy and connection but without having to risk anything. And friendship is a great way for them to achieve this.

If you’ve ever had a friendship with an ex, you know that it’s not the same as your other friendships. It’s rarely truly platonic. There’s always that energy there…that spark between you two. You have knowledge of one another and with knowledge comes intimacy.

And that’s what they’re after…even if it never goes anywhere. Which brings us to another thing that they like about being friends with you…

2. Avoidants prefer potential connection to actual connection

So we’ve talked about how true solitude isn’t the goal of the avoidant. They want connection but when they get it, it scares them.

They’re like a dog chasing a car. They’re going to be much happier running down the street barking than hanging onto the bumper by their teeth.

And while avoidants tend to lack self knowledge, they can see this, at least on some level.

That’s why they kept you at a distance during the relationship. That’s why they pushed you away after the breakup. And that’s why they now want to be your friend rather than something more.

While it may be just as frustrating for them as it is for you, it seems preferable to taking the risks that come with an actual connection. And it has other benefits as well.

3. Avoidants love having options

If we accept that avoidance is a strategy to prevent closeness as a way to avoid discomfort, then it makes sense that avoidants love having more than one option available to them.

This is a strategy employed by many people in modern dating: if you don’t get too close, you won’t get hurt…and if you keep your options open, you can never get too close to one person.

Of course, we all know that this doesn’t actually work in the real world. It just leads to a bunch of complicated entanglements and broken hearts.

But, again, people aren’t consciously deciding on this strategy. Their subconscious mind is calling the shots and leading them down this path.

So your avoidant will keep you around as just a friend even though they know that both of you are wondering if it’s maybe going to lead to something more.

And because you two are both pretending that this is just friendship, they’re free and clear to pursue other people.

They may have other romantically charged friendships like yours or they may be actively dating.

But chances are they’re not going to bring these things up so that they can keep the illusion alive.

On paper, they’re not doing anything wrong, but they know that if they were to be truly transparent, you wouldn’t be happy, so they keep it to themselves. Which brings us to the next item:

4. Avoidants are afraid to be honest about their feelings

Avoidants have learned that sharing their feelings leads to conversations that they don’t know how to navigate…Conversations that bring up emotions they don’t want to deal with. So they keep their feelings to themselves.

So they might be madly in love with you. They might feel like they can’t live without you. They might want to marry you on the spot and spend the rest of their life with you…but a part of them has decided that opening up and being rejected by you would be SO BAD that it’s not worth the risk. And that part is the one calling the shots.

Now their feelings for you are probably not that extreme, but you really don’t know.

They probably don’t even know. Remember, avoidants hide from their feelings. So they may be having all these powerful feelings and just pushing them down to avoid facing the truth.

This means they’ll be drawn to you but they won’t be sure exactly why. And so they’ll opt for friendship over something more formalized so that they can explore these feelings without making a commitment that they won’t be able to take back.

5. Avoidants have human needs

Just like the rest of us, avoidants don’t want to be alone. They want people around them to share their life with. They want sex, they want intimacy, they want friendship. And they’re not exactly sure how to go about getting it.

They’re human just like the rest of us. So don’t go and assume that what your avoidant ex wants is super clear cut and simple. Maybe they want you back, maybe they just want to be purely platonic friends, but typically the answer lies somewhere in the middle and it’s constantly shifting. This isn’t satisfying to hear but it’s true.

So what can you do about it? How can you get more from them than just friendship?

Don’t Be Friends With Your Avoidant Ex

I know it’s tempting. I know that you think that it’s better than nothing…and if you be their friend then they’re going to see all that you bring to the table and they’ll end up wanting you back. But often the opposite is true.

By being friends with your avoidant ex, you’re actually giving them exactly what they want and this is going to help them get over you and move on to someone new.

Because remember, they want to create this relationship with built in distance so that they can have access to you on their terms without having to risk anything.

They want the sexual tension and the flirting that goes nowhere. They want that intimacy without putting any constraints on their freedom.

So why would they feel any pressure to reconnect with you in a romantic relationship when they’re already getting everything they think they want?

And there’s another aspect to it: you’re actually helping them get over you by being their friend.

Because one of the things that avoidants struggle with is feeling like they hurt the other person by ending the relationship…and feeling like they have some issue that’s getting in between them and connecting with others.

RELATED: The One Thing An Avoidant Can Never Ask For

But by spending time with them as friends, you’re showing them two things:

1. there are no hard feelings, and so nothing to feel guilty about.

2. there’s nothing wrong with them or they wouldn’t have this attractive, interesting person wanting to be their friend even after the breakup.

And since avoidance doesn’t actually work, this friendship is going to be, ultimately, unsatisfying to them.

Because they actually crave that deeper emotional connection, they’re going to find that something is missing.

In their mind, this will confirm that the spark is gone and so they’ll feel free to move on to someone new.

Lock Down Your Avoidant Ex

If you can’t be friends, then what’s your path forward? What should you say to your avoidant ex?

Well obviously you shouldn’t respond with “no, let’s not be friends.” You want to make your intentions clear without starting conflict and pushing them away.

Hold out for them to make a more genuine offer without any word of friendship attached.

If they’re really not getting the message, and keep bringing up friendship, you may want to make it a little more explicit. Something like, “I don’t know if you and I could ever really be just friends, but I’d love to see you.”

This can be a little intense for an avoidant but sometimes you have to just cut to the chase to stop them from putting you in a box.

Now the question becomes, how do you avoid just naturally slipping into friendship with your ex? I mean when two people hang out again and again then it can be easy to end up with more of a friend vibe.

I recommend that you avoid friendship style activities like giving them a ride to the airport, feeding their cat when they’re out of town, or helping them with their dating profile.

I also think that hanging out with a group is another easy way to slip into friend mode. Instead, push for dinner, drinks or anything that feels more like a date.

Something that comes up a lot when it comes to being friends with an avoidant ex is physical intimacy. Should you sleep with them to avoid falling into the friend zone?

This one depends on your particular situation. Because it may just put you into a friends with benefits situation.

And remember, sex isn’t your only goal here: you want a real romantic connection…a partnership… commitment.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.