Your Ex Doesn’t Miss You. They Just Like The Attention

Your ex is showing you attention again.

But does your ex actually miss you, or are they just using you for their own selfish needs?

What do you do if your ex is just pretending to be interested, even though they don’t want you back?

This can be hard to face but knowledge is the difference between creating a stronger connection with your ex and staying stuck in limbo.

Why Your Ex Pretends To Be Interested

So first off, why would your ex show signs of interest if they aren’t really interested?

Well the truth is that a lot of people out there feel that they NEED to feel wanted and desired by others in order to have value.

And so they’ll show up, act interested only to get that feeling of being desired and then they’ll bail.

And before you say “well my ex isn’t like that. They wouldn’t manipulate me for their own gain” here’s something you haven’t considered:

You only know your ex in a particular context. Maybe they were your friend or coworker and then they were your romantic partner.

But you don’t know who they are after a breakup. Breakups literally change the chemistry of your brain.

Sadness is linked to selfishness. You feel so much pain that you turn inward and stop considering the feelings of others.

You only have the capacity to think about yourself and your own needs.

So ironically, the more your ex likes you, the more they’ll be hurt by the breakup and so the more selfish they might act in the aftermath.

On top of that, you don’t know how your ex feels about you right now.

Whoever ended it, however amicable it seemed, breakups are fueled by secret hostilities and resentments that we carry for one another. So it could very well be the case that your ex is hiding a lot of bitter feelings towards you.

If this is the case, they may feel justified in treating you as disposable to meet their own needs.

Now it hurts to know that your ex might be treating you this way.

Should you really spend your time focused on this person who doesn’t even care about you enough to treat you with respect?

Well the truth is, these feelings are quite complicated and, at the same time, they’re probably temporary. So if you can get past this, there’s a good reason to believe they’ll snap out of it, apologize and treat you right again.

I’ve seen it happen so many times with my clients. But it only works if you follow a very particular path.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. First we need to diagnose the situation.

5 Signs Your Ex Is Using You For Attention

Now you need to know that—unfortunately—this pattern is very common.

I see a lot of clients come to me filled with hope and confusion because of their ex’s actions.

And I end up having to let them know that their ex is only using them.

Here’s the checklist I use to determine the truth:

#1. They Only Show Up When They’re Bored Or Lonely

So when your ex has a lot going on, they’re nowhere to be found.

And when they’re bored and need a distraction, they hit you up. So maybe they’ve got some time to kill at work or it’s late at night and they’re suddenly free to talk for hours.

But then when you reach out first, they take hours to respond and seem cold and distant. They don’t feel like talking to you and so they won’t…it’s that simple.

#2. Conversations Stay Shallow

They’re really only looking for validation here. They want evidence that you’re interested and available to them because it strokes their ego.

So they’re never going to talk about anything real or important.

You might be a shoulder to cry on when they really need it but typically it’s going to be just joking around, flirting and memories of the good old days.

And if you try to bring up anything more serious, they’re out the door.

Now, I should say that having serious discussions about the relationship are not really valuable at this stage because they just remind your ex of past drama and put pressure on them.

But even so, their refusal to engage is a sign that they’re just using you.

#3. They Get Jealous But Won’t Move Things Forward

Jealousy is a great sign of interest, most of the time.

But when your ex is just using you, their jealousy is going to be different. It’s more like they’re being POSSESSIVE, because they see you as their plaything that they don’t want to share.

Of course, they’ll never ADMIT that they’re jealous, straight up.

If they did, they’d have a lot more explaining to do. It’ll be more like they’re suddenly rude or antagonistic for no reason.

They’ll see you in a picture with someone attractive and they’ll have a bunch of questions and criticism.

They’ll act angry, like you’re somehow betraying them, even though they’re not willing to actually claim you as their partner.

And another sign is that their jealousy will turn on and off at the drop of a hat.

So maybe they were jealous last week but now things are getting too close for them and they’re pushing you away and encouraging you to see other people. They do it because they know that they could have you whenever they want.

#4. They Use You For Sex

This is more common for male exes, but women do it as well. They’ll start out friendly but things will quickly turn flirty and sexual.

Then, once they’ve slept with you, they’ll ice you out.

They felt desire for you but it was tied to getting that feeling of power over you. The fact that they were able to make you want them makes them feel attractive.

There’s a stranger version of this that I’ve been seeing more lately.

Your ex will only flirt to get you interested and never actually sleep with you.

When you try to meet up, they’re always too busy.

But the next time they’ve had a couple beers or they’re lonely at midnight, they’re back in your DM’s being very flirtatious.

This can be especially confusing until you recognize that it’s just about stroking their ego…not about you.

#5. They Make You Feel Insecure

Ultimately, the way you can tell they’re just using you for attention is the feeling you get when you interact with them. You’ve seen them when they genuinely cared for you and prioritized you in the relationship. If they’re treating you completely differently after the breakup, you’ll be able to tell the difference.

So trust your gut and don’t let them gaslight you into thinking you’re being too needy. If you feel like you’re being taken advantage of, you probably are.

How To Flip The Script And Make Your Ex Care About You

So the problem with your ex using you for attention is that they clearly don’t care about you.

You could be anyone. It’s just that you’re a sure thing in their mind because you’ve fallen for them before.

This means that if someone else came along who showed them love, they’d find a reason to drop you in a heart beat.

So obviously, you want the behaviour to stop, you want them to take you seriously, and you want them to realize that they’re in the wrong and apologize.

And ultimately, you want them to commit to you rather than stringing you along.

So let’s take this step by step. Put simply, they’re doing this because you’re letting them get away with it.

They send out a couple of texts and they get a spike of dopamine and then they’re done with the interaction. And they’ll keep you in their back pocket, knowing you’ll respond the exact same way next time.

That means they’ll only stop when you stop rewarding this behaviour.

RELATED: Get Your Ex Back By Letting Go

Don’t play their game. By now, you know the pattern and you can interrupt it.

So if they text you at 1 am flirting, and you respond and flirt back, you’ve fallen into the trap. But what would happen if you didn’t flirt back? What if you changed the subject, called them out on it, or—most terrifying—didn’t respond at all?

I know, it feels like if you don’t play along, they’re going to find someone who will and leave you for good.

But that feeling is exactly what has you trapped in this cycle.

And that’s the truth that I’ve been getting at: Your ex doesn’t miss you because you’re too available to them.

If you pull away and keep them at a distance unless they treat you right, then they’re going to start to realize that they’re messing this up.

So that’s where boundaries come in. Figure out the things they do that make you feel shitty, recognize your role in it, and stop it.

So that can include

• Not responding to texts late at night because you know they won’t talk to you the next day
• Refusing booty calls and late night meetups and asking for actual dates
• Refusing to flirt or give them compliments just because they expect it
• Holding your ex to their word and not automatically forgiving them when they fail to live up to what they promised.

And, ultimately, it can mean walking away for a sustained period if they’re not willing to treat you right. This is the hardest step to take—understandably—but remember, you’ve been giving them too much access…to your texts, to your attention, and to your heart.

And sometimes we get caught up in the attention trap because we never fully transition out of the relationship.

The breakup removes most aspects of the relationship but a few things like flirting and validation hang around and cause problems.

When you give them REAL space, you’ll find out whether they have actual interest in you or if they’re just using you because you let them.

This can be a hard lesson to learn but it’s vital to know the truth if you want them back.

A lot of people don’t know how to do this the right way or make this happen without backsliding or upsetting their ex. This is where No Contact can provide a great framework.

It’s all about separating completely from your ex and getting a fresh start so that you can reconnect without all the baggage.

When you take a significant period away from your ex, they stop taking you for granted and losing their respect for you.

Instead, they see what they’re missing out on…you. They get a chance to realize the truth: their behaviour has pushed you away…maybe for good.

This is when many exes will see the error of their ways and start taking you seriously again.

So if you want your ex to snap out of this behaviour and treat you right, go No Contact. It works, and in many cases, it’s the only real solution.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.