Reader Question: Is Lying to Your Partner Ever Okay?
Hi Jessica,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about seven months now and things couldn’t be better. We are definitely in love and we spend every day together. I’m thinking about asking him to move in with me.
However, I’ve been conflicted recently. One of his friends has the hots for me and he’s been texting me really naughty things. I don’t want to ruin their friendship, but at the same time, I feel like I owe it to my boyfriend to tell him about what a terrible friend he has. Help! Should I lie by omission? Should I keep this a little secret and hope it goes away?
Best,
Brianne Clayton
UK
Hi Brianne. You’re in a tough spot. Normally I would say “honesty is the best policy,” but sometimes lying by omission is the best thing to do in situations like this. However, if there is something that’s really bugging you and it won’t go away (like his friend, for example), then you’ve got to face it. You can’t ignore it.
Boyfriend Deserves Better
Your boyfriend deserves better than to be treated poorly by a bad friend. If your friend was backstabbing you, wouldn’t you want to know? Wouldn’t you be angry at your boyfriend for not telling you?
Think about it from his perspective. Each minute that goes by is another minute your boyfriend will have a crappy friend.
No guy wants to have this happen to them and no girlfriend should let that happen.
I understand how you feel. You’re afraid that if you tell him, you’ll cause unnecessary drama and you don’t want to break up their friendship. Fair enough, I get it — trust me. But you know as well as I do that something needs to be done.
Try Subtle Hints First
That doesn’t mean you have to outright lay out the truth for him. I’d first suggest dropping some subtle hints to him.
Say something like, “You know your friend, I think he isn’t a good guy. In fact, I feel like he flirts with me all the time when we’re all together and it makes me feel really uncomfortable.”
Or say something like, “I don’t trust your friend. There’s something up with him. Do you trust him?”
See how he reacts. If he reacts negatively to your comments, then it’s about time that you face the truth head on and tell him.
If he agrees with you, then talk about things you can to do to make sure that his friend is eliminated from your life.
Remember, when you’re with your partner, full transparency is usually best, unless it will cause unnecessary drama. In your case, however, your situation is extremely volatile and must be dealt with immediately. So don’t beat around the bush with your boyfriend. You need to fix this as soon as you can.
You Could Also Talk With the Other Guy
Alternatively, you can also approach your boyfriend’s friend and say that you don’t feel comfortable interacting with him anymore. Cut off all communication! Tell him how terrible it is for him to backstab his friend. Tell him that kind of behaviour is downright unacceptable. If he continues to persist, then again, you have to bring this up to your boyfriend.
Now, are there situations where lying to your partner is right? Of course. Sometimes a simple white lie can avoid a ton of heartache. And when I say white, I mean really white.
However, this is often a grey area. If you think you partner deserves to know about something that you or someone else did wrong, then you have to tell him.
No matter what.
