The WORST Thing You Can Do After Someone Dumps You

Breaking up can turn even the smartest, most level headed people into total idiots.

This is because the emotions that breakups create make you do this one thing that drive people away from you.

You need to stop this behavior right now or you’re going to kill your chances and actually make your ex move on and leave you behind.

The biggest mistake you can make is something most people fall into when dealing with an ex because of their singular focus on their ex.

It’s called reactive chasing and while you may not have heard this term before, it doesn’t mean that you haven’t already hurt your chances with this behaviour.

So when you chase after your ex without a plan and without thinking through what you’re doing at all, that’s reactive chasing.

And the reason it’s called reactive chasing is because you’re reacting to whatever your ex is doing and shaping your moves—and even your emotions—around what you think they want.

So maybe you’re being really flirty and friendly with your ex because you think if you make them feel good then they’ll come back.

Or maybe they’re not responding to your messages so you keep sending follow ups hoping that something you said will spark their interest.

Or maybe you’re rearranging your entire life to try to make plans with them because you think that you need to show them that you’re making them your number one priority.

Now you might know that you’re making a mistake and acting pathetic but it still feels impossible to stop yourself and regain control. First off, you’re not alone.

This is something that I see constantly with my clients and it happens because of two things…

Number one: Your emotions are out of control following the breakup.

Now most people are relatively good at controlling their emotions and not allowing them to rule their actions. Of course, maybe you eat a bunch of oreos when you have a bad day at work or yell at someone for cutting you off in traffic but you don’t quit your job and move to Alaska every time your favourite team loses.

But breakups are one of the MOST emotionally overwhelming experiences you’re ever going to have. Studies have shown that losing a romantic partner can be just as crushing as losing a loved one.

And on top of that, breakups throw you off your routine and disrupt your environment in a major way. So now you’re trying to get control of yourself while it feels like the world is falling apart around you.

And this means that you’re not going to be able to see that what you’re doing isn’t normal nor is it in your best interests.

Number two: you’re DRIVEN to get your ex back above all else.

And this is actually linked to those negative emotions. Because after a breakup, there’s nothing you want more than relief for those difficult feelings. You feel that your ex is the source of that relief and so you make getting them back your one and only mission.

Now this further pushes you in the direction of REACTIVELY CHASING your ex and driving them away from you.

Reactive Chasing Destroys Attraction

Now let’s talk about the way this behaviour affects your ex because that’s the real issue here. Because the thing about reactive chasing is that a lot of the behaviour could be seen as romantic in a different context. I mean, you’re showing this other person that you’re devoted to them, that you care about them and that you WANT them.

So why is this different?

1. It reveals your desperation

Well it’s all about the motivation behind your actions.

Because you’re doing this to your ex rather than someone you’re dating, you’re clearly doing it to win them back, rather than just to make them happy.

It feels aggressive to your ex rather than romantic.

Plus, your ex knows you. They know how you acted with them in a relationship.

You weren’t chasing them so intensely so you were a lot more laid back, relaxed and confident.

They can tell this isn’t the real you. This version of you is desperate and pathetic. You’re highly emotional and, basically, unstable. Not attractive.

2. It shows your ex that you have no other options

It’s an unfortunate fact of human nature that we’re competitive with the people around us. And one way that we compete with others is through our choice of mate. We all want someone who is desirable and attractive…someone who has a lot to offer.

And that means we want someone who is highly sought after by other people.

So being attractive to others makes you more attractive.

This is why jealousy is such a big problem…because everyone believes that their partner is so amazing that other people want them…regardless of reality.

So when you chase after your ex, you’re destroying this idea that other people want you. You’re signalling that you have NO other options and that’s why you’re so eager to return to them with your tail between your legs.

And so this lack of other options makes you seem less desirable and less attractive. Now you may say “but I do have other options. I’m turning them all down because I only want my ex.” And while that’s great, your ex doesn’t see it that way.

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They know how hard the breakup was and how many issues you two still have to deal with so they think that if you had another way forward, you would take it. The fact that you’re not even considering it makes you seem undesirable.

3. It puts pressure on your ex

This happens subconsciously in relationships all the time. One person doesn’t plan dates, make decisions or express any preferences. They think they’re being “easy” but they’re actually forcing the other person to take charge and make all the choices.

So when you orient all your actions around pleasing your ex, it forces them into the role of leader in the relationship.

You say “we’ll hang out whenever it works for you, we’ll do whatever you want, we can be casual or friends or sleep together or not. Whatever you’re most comfortable with.”

And this creates a major problem because they don’t often know what they want.

Chances are they’re really confused about their feelings and they don’t know if they want you or they want someone new or they just want to be alone.

And since you’re putting all the power in their hands, you’re going to get hot and cold behaviour where they swing from being really friendly and interested to ice cold and distant.

From here, one of two things will happen: your ex will realize that continuing to interact with you is going to give you expectations about the future.

And so they’re going to lean towards staying away from you to prevent damage, even if that’s not what they really want…and so they’ll just drift away.

But that’s only if your ex is emotionally intelligent. Many exes will keep stringing you along and treating you like you’re an optional part of their life…and when they see you accepting this kind of treatment, they’ll resent you for it.

This is the other option. They’ll resent you for your lack of confidence and for putting them in this position. And that’s when you’ll lose them.

End Reactive Chasing And Keep Your Ex

So if you want your ex back you need to stop putting all the control in their hands.

You need to stop chasing them and you need to take your power back. You need to attract them back through your behaviour instead of repulsing them.

And so your goal here is going to be to project confidence and stability. You need your ex to see that you do have options, that you aren’t obsessing over them and that if they don’t come back to you, you’re going to move on.

And that starts with one thing: distance.

Because the truth is that it almost doesn’t matter what you say to your ex, if you keep reaching out and trying to talk to them soon after the breakup then you’re never going to appear confident and in control. You’ll seem weak and pathetic.

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I’ve seen so many people try to get around this. They try being cruel to their ex, being cold and seeming like they don’t care. They try to find some reason to be talking to their ex that seems plausible…but their ex always sniffs them out.

And you can only eliminate this issue by taking a major break from talking to your ex in any way. I’m talking a month or even more.

I know that some of you would rather rip your own heart out than stop talking to your ex…and it’s going to feel like pretty much the same thing…at least at first. But as time passes, something powerful will happen.

You’re going to gain something that you didn’t even realize you had lost: perspective. Because breakups are an immense source of stress.

They cause cortisol to flood your nervous system. Your body gets the message that the world is ending and it activates fight or flight.

That is why you’ve been so obsessed with your ex: you saw them as the antidote that would cure these bad feelings you’ve been having.

But when you take a step back and focus on yourself, you see that there are many paths forward. You have options both to distract you and to heal from this pain. You have friends, family, hobbies, and—yes—even romantic options outside your ex.

And I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to get your ex back. I’m saying the opposite: the perspective you get from taking a break from your ex will allow you to attract your ex back and make them want you back for real.

Because the quiet confidence that will grow during your time apart is what your ex will respond to: not the desperation that has been leaking out of you in every interaction since the breakup.

At the same time, this time apart is going to have the opposite effect on your ex. Because they didn’t choose for you to go no contact with them, they’re going to wonder what happened…why you suddenly went cold.

They’ll start to think that they’ve really lost you, and—if you two have any connection still remaining—this is going to send them into a tailspin. They’ll start to miss you more than ever now that you’ve finally given them the chance to do so.

I hope that you decide to take this path as it’s going to be the best way to reverse the mistakes you’ve made with your ex and actually change their mind about giving you a chance.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.