Dopamine Caused Your Breakup (How to Reignite It)

The reason that your ex pulled away and ended the relationship isn’t logical…it’s chemical.

They’re motivated by the neurotransmitters in their brain.

The chemicals that once made your presence interesting and exciting have faded, leaving only sadness and disconnection.

They were left with only one path forward. They had to escape these negative feelings by ending the relationship.

But this was never a choice for them. It was all about stimulus and response.

If the stimulus had been different, they would have been driven towards you instead of away. They would have felt compelled to do anything necessary to keep you in their life.

And that’s what we’re talking about today: the science of dopamine, how it led to your breakup, and how you can use this same science to win them back and make sure that this relationship really lasts, the second time around.

The Neurochemical Cycle Of Your Breakup

Now let’s talk about the chemical reactions behind your breakup and how to reverse this process to win back your ex.

Dopamine’s Role

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter released by your brain when you engage in certain behaviour. It’s a “reward chemical” that incentivizes you to do things that will be beneficial and aid in your survival. It’s also released by novel and pleasant experiences.

Now dopamine has gotten a bad rap recently—you may have heard of people going on Dopamine Detoxes to try to improve their focus and attention. And this idea has come about because of how dopamine has been co-opted by the modern world.

Basically, things like social media, video games, extreme behaviour, gambling, drinking, etc all trigger dopamine responses in us because they mirror behaviours that were once beneficial to us.

But dopamine was key to our survival because it encouraged us to seek shelter, fight off predators, and gather food. And maybe more important, it encouraged us to seek out love and companionship.

Of course, breeding helped pass on our genes, but a real romantic connection improved our lives and increased our chance of survival. And it’s still one of the things that makes us seek love and happiness today.

This process has been studied countless times. In one study published in the Frontiers in Human Neuroscience in 2015, researchers hooked participants up to a machine that took scans of their brains, then showed them a series of images.

When they were shown pictures of attractive strangers, their dopamine spiked. But when they were shown photos of their romantic partners, their brains lit up like a christmas tree, showing much more significant dopamine activity.

It makes sense when you know that these participants were chosen specifically because they reported being in love and said that their relationships were new and exciting. But nothing stays exciting forever…

Habituation

Many studies show that over time, repeated exposure to the same stimulus tends to “deaden” the dopamine response. Basically, if you gorge yourself on chocolate all week, suddenly that Saturday night fondue doesn’t look nearly as enticing.

When this applies to relationships, psychologists refer to it as The Rustiness Phenomenon. They also call it sexual boredom: that slow, gradual decline in connection that arises from life’s demands.

It’s not so much a lack of love as it is life getting in the way. Busy schedules, boredom, work: these things build up and create distress, causing your brain to release adrenaline and cortisol, the stress hormones.

And because your relationship has fallen into such a predictable pattern, you no longer have a source of dopamine to deal with these difficult feelings. Over time, partners start to feel more like roommates than lovers.

Sexual boredom is not the entire story here. It’s just an extension of this loss of passion: this deadening of the dopamine response that’s supposed to occur whenever you see and interact with your person.

It’s killing the connection and making them look elsewhere to satisfy these needs.

But researchers also say that with intentional care, couples can restore intimacy and create more sex, love and connection.

Of course, your ex took a different approach. They decided that the loss of attraction—which was actually essentially just a loss of dopamine—was a sign that the relationship had run its course and so they opted to end things.

So what happens in your ex’s brain now that you two are apart?

Dopamine Withdrawal

We’ve all felt it after a breakup: the emptiness. Of course, you’re sad and miserable. But above that, it’s like the colour has been drained from the world. Things that you formerly enjoyed now fail to excite you.

What’s happening is clear to see. The dopamine spike your ex felt in your presence had diminished, but it was still very significant. They just took it for granted because it had become normal.

Now that it’s gone, your ex is forced to raw dog reality. They’re forced to recognize that you did bring something good into their life. You made them happy, at least on some level.

Once they realize this, they’re going to be second guessing their decision and wondering if they should give you a call, just for a second, just to hear your voice. This is going to be your way in.

But this realization only happens if you stay away from your ex.

Because if you stick around, something else happens. Remember when we talked about the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline?

These can work havoc on your brain, causing shortness of breath, a feeling of panic, poor sleep and even weight gain. And during a breakup, they’re blasting through your brain.

Now, if you keep coming around and bugging your ex, asking them for another chance, and starting fights, they’ll start to blame you for all the negative feelings they’re experiencing.

They’ll start to associate you with this stress and your presence will actually become a new source of cortisol rather than dopamine. You don’t want that.

But if you give them space, then they’re going to have the opposite association. They’re going to notice your absence and they’re going to associate that with these negative feelings that they’re having.

Now they’ll see you as a possible solution to these feelings, rather than the cause of them and so they’ll naturally want to connect with you again.

They’re chasing that dopamine they know that you can give them.

But that just starts the pattern all over again, right? You reconnect, things are exciting…until they’re not. Boredom seeps in, rustiness takes over and pretty soon they’re right back out the door.

Well that’s why you have to change the pattern.

This is going to change your ex’s dopamine response and help you rebuild a stronger relationship that won’t crumble under the weight of routine. And it’s actually not as difficult as you might imagine.

Reignite The Spark With Dopamine

Remember, dopamine is about positive experiences but it’s also about novelty.

I’m sure you know how to make your ex happy—the same way you did in the relationship. Maybe buying them a gift, giving them a hug, complimenting them or cooking them their favourite meal.

But those actions have diminishing returns. They become routine and boring and you end up right where you are right now. The way you keep the dopamine from slipping is by keeping things new and interesting.

You don’t have to completely rebuild your personality or your life from the ground up, but you need to make solid changes in both subtle and more significant ways that your ex is going to notice and appreciate.

These are going to be harder for some people than others and because of this, it’s going to be tempting to skip this step and rely on the dopamine withdrawal to bring your ex back to you.

But remember, novelty is incredibly powerful and it’s the one thing that someone else is always going to have over you.

This is going to entice your ex to look elsewhere if you’re not bringing the excitement. Sorry to be blunt, but it’s the reality.

And actually, one of the things that’s making your ex feel bored is that they feel like they know everything about you.

They’ve seen you at your best, at your worst, and at your most boring. They know which pair of socks is your favourite. It’s like they can read your mind.

But the truth is that you can spend a lifetime with someone and still not learn everything there is to know about them.

So you need to show them that you do have new things to offer and new sides of your personality to show them. And there are three things you need to think about now…

#1. Mystery

Remember, you lost your ability to interest your ex because you were too available to them. But the breakup gives you an amazing opportunity.

Because you two are no longer sharing the same space, you’re gaining a lot of novelty just by keeping your distance.

You can only screw this up by being too present, too talkative, and by sharing every single thought you have every time you see them.

So you need to harness your ability to keep things to yourself.

Crazy at it may sound, you need to be making changes in your life that you don’t share with your ex. You need to err on the side of saying too little, rather than too much.

So don’t tell them everything you’re thinking or feeling. Don’t tell them about all the new people you’re hanging out with, and keep them in suspense about what you’ve been up to.

Because—even if it doesn’t seem like it—you are going to be on your ex’s mind during this time apart.

You two were formerly joined at the hip and now you’re gone. So they’re not going to be able to help wondering what you’re up to.

And the more you keep them in the dark, the more they’re going to try to fill in the gaps. So don’t be surprised if you hear that your ex has been asking about you.

That’s why you only want to give them little glimpses of your life. This will intrigue them and make them ask more questions. Social media is a great way to do this. So instead of telling them all about the concert you went to, post a random photo of you and a new friend in the crowd.

They’ll have no choice but to wonder who this person is and what exactly it is you’re up to. And once they’re wondering about you, you’ve started to bring that novelty that was missing.

#2. Spontaneity

If you want your ex back, you need to be a bit unpredictable. Remember, your ex thinks they know you.

They feel like they can predict what you’re going to say before you say it. So flip the script.

Do something that people wouldn’t expect. Get out of your comfort zone. Be novel and different and break out of the rut you’ve been stuck in.

The best way to do this is by following your impulses. So maybe you want to get a new haircut but you’re afraid you won’t pull it off.

Don’t be afraid, be bold. That small change could be enough to totally shift how your ex looks at you.

Of course, this also applies to how you talk to your ex. Many people get so afraid to make a mistake that they stick to the easy conversations and safe topics that they know their ex likes. And they just end up boring their ex to death.

Now is the time to ask a question you’ve never asked before. It’s the time to share something you’ve never told anyone.

And instead of having a boring dinner or coffee date, do something wild and spontaneous. Have a picnic on the roof. Jump in the ocean. Go skydiving.

Okay, it doesn’t have to be that crazy but it has to be interesting and different if you want to show your ex that they were wrong about you. If you can do that, you can totally change their mental perception of you.

You need to take those dopamine pathways that have become tiny and malnourished and supercharge them so that when your ex thinks about you, they think of fun and excitement.

#3. Growth

Mystery is going to get your ex interested. Spontaneity will excite them. But neither of these are going to be sustainable once you’re back together. Growth is how you keep them coming back for more.

So remember how dopamine starts to deaden when you’re presented with the same old stimulus?

If that stimulus keeps getting bigger and more significant, these dips become peaks instead of valleys.

That’s why you need to keep growing and changing as time goes on. If you can make that your reality, your ex is never going to be bored of you because they’ll know that you’re not even in your final form and so you’ll still have new and exciting things to offer them as time goes on.

This is something that we all aim for in life and it’s something that we’re all trying to achieve in different ways.

So look at the direction your life is headed. Is it where you want to go? Then look at the steps you need to take to make that journey faster, more comfortable and more epic.

And if you see you’re heading in the wrong direction then you need to change course as soon as possible.

I know I’m taking a complex idea and oversimplifying it.

But you are going to have to make this a priority if you want to have a happy life AND a happy relationship. So look at the obstacles in your way, be honest with yourself and make a plan.

Set goals, break them down into manageable chunks and then get to work. Get started today and you’ll see progress in a week. In a month, who knows where you’re going to be?

Even if it starts small and minor, your ex is going to see that you’re trying and they’re going to want to be part of what comes next, so they’ll be drawn to you.

They’ll see the positive behaviour that you’re engaged in and it’s going to motivate them to work hard the way you are. And when you inspire someone else, that’s when you really become a source of dopamine for them.

Now for those who say this dopamine stuff is just pop psychology and that it doesn’t work, let’s look at another study.

This one came out of The University of California in 2020. Researchers found that romantic love, and its maintenance, are orchestrated by the dopamine-rich regions of the brain.

They also provided genetic evidence that certain polymorphisms–basically, differences in specific gene sequences–that are associated with dopamine are also associated with the likelihood of sustaining romantic love.

They concluded that romantic love maintenance is part of a strategy for long-term attachment and is primarily influenced by this reward circuitry in our brains.

This means that prioritizing novelty can re-engage those dopamine circuits and rebuild the connection you once had.

It also proves what we all know: love is not static…it changes over time. It ebbs and flows. It never just stays the same. This means that it can be adjusted and changed with outside pressure.

This is the way to make your ex interested and to keep them interested in the long term.

So don’t give up hope. Take the steps I’ve outlined to reshape how your ex sees you and the relationship and you will change how their brain responds to you.

This will get rid of the rustiness, activate the dopamine centres, and rebuild the attraction between you two.

Remember, don’t rush things or you’re going to spike your ex’s cortisol and adrenaline and make them associate you with negativity. Instead, take things slow, be a little mysterious and they’ll start to associate you with novelty.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.