It’s not easy to fix a broken marriage, especially when you’re on your own.
Maybe your spouse is not willing to put in the work, they’re unwilling to change, or they refuse to even admit that your marriage is in trouble.
Unfortunately, this means you’re on a collision course with divorce. But don’t lose hope!
You CAN save your marriage alone without your spouse’s help.
If you follow my advice, you’ll see your marriage turn onto the right path and pretty soon your spouse will get on board.
The Wrong Way To Stop Divorce Alone
There are ways to prevent your spouse from leaving you that will do more harm than good.
They may work in the short term but they’re harmful and will end up damaging your marriage, your spouse, and yourself if you don’t stop them immediately.
As tempting as it may be, crying and begging for your spouse to give your marriage another chance may make them feel sorry for you but it will not change their mind.
Instead, these types of reactions will make you appear weak and out of control.
Drama will only create more drama. Don’t use your children as a weapon, don’t threaten your spouse with consequences for leaving, and don’t insult them.
You could probably make your spouse stay by putting a gun to their head, but would that really solve anything? The principle is the same here.
“People stay married because they want to, not because the doors are locked.”
But don’t despair. Giving up and eating a pint of Haagen-Dazs won’t fix your marriage either.
If you’re reading this, it means you’re willing to take positive action towards saving your marriage on your own. It may be a difficult uphill climb but you’ve already taken the first step.
How To Fix Your Marriage On Your Own
Think of saving your marriage as a project. It’s going to take a lot of work and some time, but there are small things you can do today to get started.
Reframe Your Marriage Problems
Fixing your marriage is not about never fighting again. That’s just not realistic. You can’t prevent arguments from happening and you shouldn’t try to stop by ignoring yours or your spouse’s feelings.
What you can control is your own behaviour during a fight. You need to maintain a calm, cool mindset.
You also need to make sure that you’re framing your arguments correctly in such a way that you don’t make the argument worse.
Think about how you use the word “I”.
If you’ve ever watched two people argue, you’ll notice that the word they use most is “you”… it’s always “You always do this!” or “You always do that!”
When you use the word “you”, you make your spouse feel like they’re 100% responsible for whatever you’re arguing about.
This sort of alienation will only make matters worse.
So instead, use the word “I” during your arguments. Say something like, “I feel it would be better if we drove the kids to school earlier.”
Try it next time you argue with your spouse!
Fall Back In Love With Your Spouse
If your marriage is in dire straits, you’re probably fighting all the time and the thought of your spouse may, understandably, give rise to anxiety and sadness.
The thought that they aren’t willing to fight for your marriage must make you angry. This is all natural.
But remember what you’re fighting for. You’re trying to save your marriage because you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. They must be someone pretty special.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
Remember what made you fall in love with them. How they made you feel. Why you wanted to marry them. Remember the time before you started having problems.
Try to keep these things in mind whenever things get heated with your spouse and you’ll find that you’re more able to treat them like your true love, and less like your opponent.
What are some nice things you used to do for them? A massage, flowers, even some kind words can go a long way.
When things are bad we tend to stop treating each other well but this is the time we need kindness the most!
You don’t have to act like nothing is happening. But being positive and affectionate when you can will improve things between you two.
If your partner sees that you still care about them and want to make them happy even while you’re in conflict, they’ll begin to do the same.
Seek Marriage Help
Saving a marriage alone is tough work.
You should work on your support system. Reach out to trusted friends and family members.
It’s easy, and tempting, to use your friends just to blow off steam. But badmouthing your spouse can make problems in your marriage grow by changing how others see you and your spouse. This creates a toxic environment that can persist long after this one fight.
Instead, stay calm, discuss your problems logically and accurately and work towards actual solutions.
On top of just being an emotional release, getting an outsider’s perspective can give you valuable insight you wouldn’t have considered on your own.
If your spouse is refusing to work on the marriage then marriage counselling is generally out of the question. You’re not going to be able to make them take it seriously and they’ll resent you for trying to make them.
This is something to work towards down the line.
Another option is to sign up for my online Marriage Coaching. My coaching works without the help of your spouse. They don’t even have to know about it.
Remember That Unhappy People Have Unhappy Marriages
This is a simple fact but it is powerful. Think of all the people you know whose marriages have fallen apart. Are they usually happy people with a positive outlook? Chances are their actions are driven by a negative attitude and personal problems that they are addressing.
I’m sure you’re saying, “I’m unhappy because my marriage is unhappy.” But the truth is that your marriage cannot be your only source of happiness.
It’s not the end all be all. I’m sure your marriage has real problems that need to be addressed, but you’ll be surprised how much difference perspective makes.
If you find you’re agonizing over even the small problems with your spouse it may be because the other parts of your life are lacking attention and excitement.
You need to find something to be excited about outside of your marriage.
Take an exercise class. Start a journal. Take up woodworking.
If you’re lacking in time or money, it can be as simple as doing some overdue cleaning and organizing.
Taking action can stop you from feeling powerless and this new sense of power will extend into all parts of your life.
Work on yourself, not your spouse and they will notice that you’re happy and excited and that you’re putting your attention into something besides their behaviour.
“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.”
Is My Marriage Worth Saving?
Not all marriages can or should be saved. It’s an unfortunate fact that some things just aren’t meant to be. If your marriage has become emotionally toxic, violent, or detrimental to your overall health, it may be time to let go and move on with your life.
I know it’s easier said than done but it’s important to be honest with yourself.
You need to ask yourself if this marriage is beyond hope or if there’s really a chance of turning it around.