Marriage isn’t easy, as you probably know… especially when you and your spouse are on a different page on so many issues. And when things are hard, we’re all guilty of making mistakes from time to time.
But despite what you see on TV shows and movies, there’s no such thing as “the perfect couple.”
In fact, it’s probably healthy to have an odd disagreement every now and then. Arguing with your spouse allows you both to let out some steam, and air out the things that are bothersome in the marriage.
That said, there are certain mistakes that once they’re made, there’s no undoing it. No matter how many times you say “I’m sorry” for these types of mistakes, it won’t undo the damage done. The old saying goes, “it’s easier to forgive than to forget,” and unfortunately there are certain mistakes that can be deal breakers.
Sometimes it’s one big mistake, other times it can be a series of smaller ones. If you and your spouse don’t work towards rectifying your mistakes as you grow together, then your marriage will begin to suffer.
You may be wondering what some of the mistakes that could end your marriage are… so let’s talk about them!
Before we begin, a quick reminder: it’s important to note that the only way to avoid making the same mistake twice is to acknowledge that you made a mistake, and understand why what you did was wrong. Then, never do it again. Many of us commit the same mistake over and over for reasons only we know. But what we fail to see is when we commit the same mistakes, we are hurting our spouses.
If you find yourself committing the following mistakes, take a step back and consider how your actions are possibly setting a negative tone in your marriage.
To get it out of the way, I’m going to start by acknowledging that cheating is clearly the big NO-NO of any marriage. Yes, it’s an obvious one, but the mistakes I’m about to talk about may be more overlooked than you thought.
Marriage Mistake #1: Disrespect.
It’s common for couples to get on each other’s nerves or bump heads, but it’s key to never lose respect for one another. Once the insults begin, there is no going back.
Do not throw the past in your spouse’s face or take each other for granted. If you are in doubt about something, do not go through each other’s personal belongings looking for answers. Not only is it an invasion of privacy, but if your spouse finds out, they are going to have a hard time trusting you again. Instead face your doubts and discuss your concerns with your spouse. Respect each other’s space, opinions and beliefs.
Marriages based on a positive attitude where encouragement and respect are nurtured have always worked better. As long as there’s respect, differences will be accepted; out of respect our partners will not cheat on us and out of respect they’ll help us if we let them know what’s going on.
Marriage Mistake #2: Lying.
“I’m only saying a white lie. My spouse will never find out.”
^ That statement is not necessarily true. There are circumstances in which you tell your spouse a white lie after you rationalize why it’s acceptable and get away with it.
Oftentimes, the truth will come out, and when it does, your spouse will feel deceived and believe you have lied about other things throughout the marriage. You create space for doubt, a powerful emotion that can cause your partner to have second thoughts about your marriage.
So, how do you avoid this? Practice honesty in your marriage, even if it means telling your partner something they may not want to hear. Doing this will not only improve your marriage, but it will also mean that your partner will in turn be more open and honest with you.
Marriage Mistake #3: Being Too Controlling.
Definitely one of the biggest mistakes in a marriage, and one that is often overlooked, is when one partner tries desperately to control the other. Let’s look at the bigger picture here.
In life we are given opportunities, and every now and then we come across a once in a lifetime chances to better ourselves. This may mean you might not be able to see your other half for a short period of time or mean that your relationship isn’t number one in your priority list for a little while.
If your spouse can’t see the importance of these opportunities then this is not a good sign. In a healthy relationship you should encourage each other to be the best you can be, and to strive towards both of your dreams no matter the sacrifice.
Most times, the main trait of a controlling partner is the need to try and change who you are. Before you start thinking, “But Brad, I’m only trying to help them,” let me explain.
It’s perfectly fine to encourage your partner to better themselves by suggesting they get more active or cut down on the Pepsi, but it’s another thing to demand they dress a certain way or try to change their beliefs or values.
You married your spouse for a reason, so let them be who they are and do what they like. In return your spouse, and your marriage, will be much happier.
Marriage Mistake #4: Rejecting Your Differences.
We all know a couple that’s all smiles and agreements. They’re the ones that go everywhere together, like the same foods, take the same cooking classes and watch the same TV shows. They’re as happy as a 1950’s TV family.
“Why wasn’t I that lucky?” you may wonder to yourself. But do take a step back, because things are not always as they appear to be.
In a marriage it’s a mistake to expect your partner to like the same things as you do, every minute of every day. So what if theyhave a different opinion than you? It’s a good thing. Do not push your spouse away or criticize their opinions just because they’re different from yours; words hurt and are tough to forget.
It’s totally normal to have different interests and opinions than your spouse, and if anything it keeps things exciting. To avoid conflict it’s important to accept and embrace your spouse’s differences. Not only does it make for a healthy relationship, but it allows YOU to be YOU. Just because you have different interests or opinions doesn’t mean you’re not compatible, and it is okay to change your mind on things.
Marriage Mistake #5: Cutting Out Friends.
We’ve all seen it happen before where one of our friends disappears off the scene. They stop turning up to events, their behavior changes and you realize they’re not the person they once were.
Some people laugh about it and say it’s a case of being ‘whipped’, but this kind of behaviour in married couples
is a lot more serious and common that many of us want to believe.
Here’s the thing: just because you are married doesn’t change the fact that we are social beings. That’s not to say that your spouse could be hitting the bars every weekend, but now and then a night out with old time buddies should not be interpreted as a sign of boredom or a reason for jealousy. Sure, their banter may include small complaints about married life, but that’s healthy! Think of it as a free and friendly therapy.
Your spouse’s friends are an outlet for them to express their feelings and share their stories. Believe it or not, taking these away from your spouse will only secretly eat away at t
hem, and in the long run it’ll hinder your marriage. Besides, do you really want to have to listen to
your other half ramble about football, or dissect the latest Taylor Swift album?
Marriage Mistake #6: Not Getting Help When You Need It.
There’s nothing wrong with considering marriage counselling. In fact, even when your marriage is doing well, going to see a counsellor can improve things even further. No re
lationship is perfect, and identifying areas of easy improvement will only strengthen the foundations of your marriage.
Of course, you don’t just have to get marriage counselling because it can be a bit pricey. Instead, if you need a marriage coach in your corner, consider signing up for my e-mail marriage coaching service and ensure that your marriage stays strong and happy. For more information on how you can register, click here.
Last but certainly not least on the list is expectations and responsibilities. As a married couple, do not assume one spouse is responsible for
everything – both partners should share responsibilities. In some instances, one spouse handles a little more than the other, but it’s up to the couple’s discretion. Nevertheless, expecting one spouse to do it all is pretty unreasonable. If that is the case, why be married? You’re a team, remember?
If you have an
y questions about these common marriage mistakes or would like more advice on how to avoid conflict in your marriage marriage, please watch the free full-length video presentation on my website.