Want to stop looking desperate, clingy and pathetic? You should. It’s a vicious cycle that’s hard to escape.
You can’t get a guy because you look desperate.
Can’t stop looking desperate because you can’t get a guy.
You’re not alone. Desperation, whether real or imagined, ruins so many relationships before they start
Stop Looking Desperate
Being excited about a guy is great! The problem is excitement can sometimes look a lot like desperation.
And men can smell desperation from a mile away. Even if he likes you and wants you, desperation can change everything.
Desperate is defined as…
- needing or wanting something very much
- feeling like you have no hope and are willing to do anything to change the bad situation that you are in
- having a very great need
If you’re desperate, you’re willing do anything to get a guy and it shows. If you’re lonely, clingy, pathetic and above all else you feel like you have no hope of ever getting a guy to stick around then you’re desperate.
Doesn’t sound very attractive, does it?
You may be saying, “I don’t feel that way at all but I’ve still had people tell me I come off as desperate.”
The truth is, some women who aren’t desperate can come off like they are and other people who seem super confident and secure are actually totally desperate deep down inside.
It’s not just about trying to stop being desperate, it’s also about how to avoid behaviours that men will see as desperate (even if they’re really not).
Doing This Makes You Look Desperate
Here are some trademarks of a desperate dater.
1. You’re always available
This is the number one thing that can come off as desperate when it might just mean you’re not having a busy week.
Women with flexible schedules or good time management are often labelled lonely or desperate because they’re free to get together. I think this is ridiculous.
Just because you like to lead a simple life doesn’t make you any more or less desperate.
Having free time isn’t a crime but sadly, it can make your life look empty and therefore have people thinking you’re lonely and desperate.
2. You text too much
This is similar to number one. If you’re texting him all the time, If you’re sending messages like “good morning, good night, how was your weekend, how was your day” then you’re going to come off as desperate. Desperate daters will text when they have nothing to say, just to get that validation that the other person still likes them.
3. You’re clingy
If you’re trying to figure out where he is all the time, who he’s with, and what he’s up to, then you’re going to seem clingy and therefore desperate.
It’s good to be interested in what he’s doing but there’s a fine line
text me when you get home
where have you been?
Desperate people need to know everything; confident people just want to listen and connect.
4. You have low standards
If you’ll let him get away with murder, then he’s not going to value you.
Guys will test your boundaries early on so don’t let him get away with asking for nudes at midnight, being overly flirty, or being an hour late for a date.
How To Stop Looking Desperate
So the real question here is how do you stop looking desperate?
Have more going on
Don’t respond to texts right away to give the impression that you’re not just waiting by the phone.
Have hobbies and interests outside of work or school. Guys want a girl who has more going on than just a relationship.
Don’t be too available
If you’re trying to make plans and he isn’t available one day, don’t say you can do it any other time, any day of the week, rain or shine.
You need to strike a balance between easy-going and just plain lonely. People who have a full life never worry about how to stop looking desperate.
Love is not a race.
If your goal is to find someone to be with for the long term, what’s the rush?
Relationships build over time so don’t go into the second date expecting to spend the weekend together and then get upset when he wants to call it a night. And don’t push for a serious relationship too quickly.
Keep high standards
You may think that giving him what he asks for is a great way to get close to him. It’s actually better to hold him to a high standard. The right guy will see this as you valuing yourself and your time and he’ll work harder to impress you.
So have boundaries. Don’t let him flake on plans or change them last minute. Don’t let “hanging out and watching netflix in his bedroom” be a first date. This also goes for opinions.
Don’t compromise your beliefs and feelings just to make him like you.
It’ll end up having the opposite effect. Stop being a pushover if you want to stop looking desperate.
Don’t seek validation
Fishing for compliments, talking bad about yourself or being self-deprecating are huge signs of low self esteem and desperation.
You need to give him the feeling that, while you like him and want him, you don’t need his approval to feel whole.
This is so important because if he thinks that you’re insecure and constantly need reassurance, then you’re not confident and you seem less valuable.
Let him chase you
If you’re always seeking him out, contacting him first or even asking him out, you’re not going to be able to stop looking desperate.
Sit back and let him be the one to chase you. This is classic male-female psychology.
Once you use this psychological loophole against him, he’s going to start chasing you down like a wild animal. It’s one of the number one ways to make a man fall in love with you instead of just trying to sleep with you.
Don’t cyber stalk
Okay this one comes with a caveat. A little research before a first date can be a good thing. You want to know what you’re getting into. The thing you’re trying to avoid is them knowing about it.
So don’t bring up the time their photo was in the local paper if you want to seem chill, confident, and not desperate.
There are other ways for him to catch wise. For instance, do you watch all of his instagram stories right away even though you don’t follow him?
Be chill on social media
Keep the drama and attention-seeking off of social media if you want to stop looking desperate.
This includes posting too many selfies (especially barely clothed), no posts about “cutting toxic people out of your life”, and dial it back on the instagram stories.
Social media can be a great way to get noticed but make sure that what he’s noticing isn’t how desperate you are.
Understand that it’s not a competition
If he spends four nights a week with his friends and one night a week with you, is that fair?
The answer depends on your mindset.
Early on in a relationship, spending too much time together is a bad move.
As things progress, it becomes more complex. I’d advise you not to focus on how much time he spends with other people rather than you.
Instead, ask yourself, “Are my needs being met?”
If they are, then there’s no reason to be upset. If they’re not, look for ways to fulfill them outside of your relationship.
If he’s simply not there for you, this is a different issue and one you’ll have to face going forward.
Just remember that you’re not in competition with his friends, his hobbies, and his job.
Your relationship is totally separate from that. If he wants to go to a concert instead of hang out with you, this doesn’t mean he likes Vampire Weekend more than he likes you.
Value yourself above a relationship
This is my number one tip to stop looking desperate and it’s really tough. Many women report feeling less than whole without a relationship.
If this sounds like you, I recommend working on yourself before dating. It’s important to find out what makes you special, what makes you happy and how to be the best version of yourself before settling down.
You don’t need to be perfect but you should try to get on a path towards feeling comfortable in your own skin.
Otherwise, you’ll bring that bad energy into your relationship.
In the end, being desperate stems from lacking confidence that you’re a valuable person deserving of a great partner. If you can feel better about yourself, the world will too.
- Desperation can wreck your relationship.
- Being confident and laid back are the best ways to stop looking desperate.
- The number one way to stop feeling desperate is to work on your own self worth.
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