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9 Sneaky Mind Games To Trick Your Ex Into Taking You Back

February 12, 2019/0 Comments/in Breakups /by Brad Browning

You want your ex to take you back, right?

Wouldn’t you do anything to make them return to you?

If you’re cool with employing a few little mind games on your ex to make him or her yearn for your love and attention again, then keep reading.

9 Sneaky Ways To Trick Your Ex

I’m going to cover the top 9 psychological tactics to make your ex wish that they never broke up with you. It’s taken me years and years of research to come up with these tips and I’m going to share them with you now.

1. Use The Law of Pre-selection To Your Advantage.

Have you ever heard of pre-selection? It’s an important psychological trick that you should be employing as soon as possible.

NOTE: this works even if you’re single and you’re looking for a potential partner… so in the event that you don’t want your ex back, keep this tip in the back of your mind.

The law of pre-selection states that the more a person is highly sought after by the opposite sex, the more desirable they become to them. It’s, in essence, a positive feedback loop.

The more people you attract, the more likely you will attract even MORE singles… and your ex is no exception.

Maybe you’ve observed this phenomenon in your life – maybe a bunch of your friends began crushing on this one guy or girl at your work… and even though they might not be your type, the fact that your friends are clamouring over this one person makes them seem a bit more appealing, right?

There are a multitude of ways to showcase pre-selection, but one of the best ways is through word of mouth.

Here… try this little sneaky tactic on for size…

Think about a very chatty and “gossipy” mutual friend that you share with your ex, and ask him or her out for coffee.

Then come up with a story about how there are two girls or guys that are just constantly asking you out on dates… but come up with an entertaining story so that it’s totally memorable.

You’re banking on the fact that this chatty friend is going to blab to your ex about all the gossip that they just heard.

Once your ex gets wind of how highly sought after you are, they’re going to be second guessing their decision to break up with you in no time.

Like I said, pre-selection is something that is highly effective for even single people as well – so if for whatever reason, you decide to NOT get back together with your ex, then using this sneaky, psychological tactic for your dating life will work like a charm!

2. Make Your Ex Feel FOMO

Ever heard of FOMO? It’s an acronym for “Fear of Missing Out”.

Fear
Of
Missing
Out

It’s a powerful psychological phenomenon in this day and age.

Ever see pictures on your friend’s Instagram of an amazing party or crazy travelling adventure?
Ever get that feeling that you just NEED to join them?

The next time they ask you out for an adventure, chances are you’re going to say yes because you’ll have a “Fear of Missing Out” on the experience!

You can induce this sort of feeling inside your ex’s mind quite easily… all you have to do is showcase to the world that you’re living the best life possible… and you can do this by showing off some pictures on your Instagram, Facebook, or Snapchat.

You don’t even have to book a crazy overseas trip to Singapore, too… you can just show videos and pictures from an incredible hike you did, or a cozy camping trip you did with a few friends.

Once your ex sees how much fun you’re having, you’re going to induce massive amounts of FOMO inside his or her mind… and it’ll only be a matter of time before they start messaging YOU and asking you to hang out again.

3. Use Jealousy To Your Advantage

I know, this one is a bit manipulative, but using jealousy is one of the most effective ways to get your ex back.

In my program, The Ex Factor Guide, I share dozens of jealousy-inducing tips that are guaranteed to make your ex want to come crawling back to you in no time. But today, I’m only going to cover one ESPECIALLY useful tactic… and I call it the “Jealousy Text”.

WARNING: before you send this text, I have to warn you that you can’t simply send this text out of the blue and expect it to work. There is a certain time and place that’s appropriate to send this text… and if you send this text at the WRONG time, you could be sabotaging your chances of getting back together with them. So save this text for after you’ve done thirty days of no contact.

Okay, so to better explain this text message, let’s jump right into an example. You could say something like…

Hey! What was the name of that cute pottery shop we went to last summer? The one with the purple teapots. I want to take a friend there tomorrow night!

Here’s another quick example…

Hey, remember that cute Greek restaurant that we went to for New Years? What was the name of that restaurant again? I want to take a friend there this weekend!

And that’s pretty much it. Don’t be too specific… that is, don’t say that you’re taking someone as a date. Leave your ex wondering WHO you’re taking and what your intentions are with them.

If you prime your ex correctly, their minds will be RACING with thoughts of losing you to another person, and they’ll start getting CRAZY jealous.

4. Focus On Self-Improvement

I know, this isn’t so much a sneaky psychological tactic on your ex… but it IS a sneaky psychological tactic on YOURSELF! Self-improvement takes form in many ways, but one of the absolute best forms of self-improvement is to hit the gym.

Not only will you look way sexier (which will obviously help re-attract your ex into your life), but working out actually releases a ton of “feel good” hormones inside your body.

Getting your ex back isn’t just about “faking it until you make it.” You need to assume the perspective of a highly confident and attractive person, and working out is absolutely one of the best ways to achieve this goal for a multitude of reasons. So instead of staying home alone, go out for a run or hit the weights! You’ll be glad you did.

5. Use “Reverse Psychology” On Your Ex

Now this tip might not be useful for you if you talking with your ex. But if you are, using reverse psychology on your ex can prove very useful.

But again, like with all of my tips, you have to proceed with caution and make sure you’re using this advice properly and at the right time… but if you use this tactic correctly, it can have a very powerful effect!

So for example, you could say something to your ex along the lines of…

“You know what, I think it’s good that we broke up… I think we really needed this time apart.”

Or how about something like…

“I think breaking up has allowed me to focus more on myself. I think this will be good for me.”

Something subtle like this can send a very sneaky message to your ex that you’ve moved on, and force your ex to constantly wonder why your feelings have changed so dramatically.

Sometimes, giving your ex this sense of “loss” can be enough to kick them back into gear and force them to start chasing you again like a dog on raw meat.

BONUS TIP: Sign up for my One-On-One Coaching for personalized help getting your ex back.

7. Learn To Say No

Again, for this to work, you need to be on talking-terms with your ex.

One of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to get their ex back is that they become far too agreeable. They’ll roll over and do whatever their ex asks of them, no matter the circumstance.

This is low “social-value” behaviour and it will only push your ex further and further away. Instead, learn to say “NO” to your ex – by doing so, you’ll show your ex that you’re independent and that you have a backbone.

People are scientifically attracted to these characteristics, so once your ex sees that you’re sticking up for what you want, you will become a lot more attractive to him or her… don’t be surprised if your ex begins texting you more, wanting to spend time with you more, and feeling desperate to see you all…the…time!

8. Always Appear Positive And Happy

The WORST thing someone can do after a breakup is to start moping and crying in front of everyone they know… and it’s especially annoying if they talk about it on social media. Don’t be one of those people. Not only is it incredibly annoying to people, but it’s also incredibly unattractive to your ex!

Now, it’s okay to be sad in this situation. You’re allowed to cry. You’re allowed to feel depressed, angry, and bitter about the breakup… but it’s never wise to broadcast these negative emotions to the world. Doing so will not solve any of your problems and you’ll appear pathetic and weak.

BUT… If you’ve already done this, then have no fear because there ARE work arounds. What you need to do is start posting happy, positive, and even funny things on your social media… even if you ARE feeling like a giant bag of dicks.

Remember, people are sexually attracted to VIBRANT, HAPPY, and POSITIVE people. Nobody wants to be with someone who is whining, crying, and complaining 24/7, right?

So instead, try and put yourself in a better, happier mindset. Not only will you feel better about yourself, but once your ex sees how happy YOU are, they’ll be crawling back to you for MORE in next to no time at all!

9. Use My Free Quiz Tool

Get a better sense of your chances with this potent breakup diagnostic.

Click here and take my free 5-minute quiz to find out if you've still got a chance to win back your ex.

It only takes a few minutes to complete and it will generate a score that will determine your chances of getting back together with your ex. And based on HOW you answer these questions… you’ll be given a PERSONALIZED list of psychological tips and tricks you can use on your ex right now to make them wish, want, and need you more intensely than ever.

Yeah, I know, this “tip” isn’t really so much a sneaky tip in itself, but it’ll help you come up with even MORE covert and powerful techniques that you can use TODAY on your ex.

What To Do If Your Ex Is Ignoring You?

January 28, 2019/0 Comments/in Breakups /by Brad Browning

Maybe you’ve already sent your ex every text message you can think of, but they’re always left unread.

Maybe you keep calling your ex, but the calls always go to voicemail.

Maybe you’ve even run into your ex randomly out on the street, and they acted like you don’t even exist.

…How do you handle this type of situation with your ex when you still want to get back together with them?

What Should You Do When Your Ex Is Ignoring You?

OK, the first thing you need to do is chill out.

Seriously, take a deep breath, go for a walk around the block, become a Buddhist monk and meditate for weeks straight… whatever you need to do to relax and keep your cool.

This is really important because a lot of the biggest attraction-killing mistakes that I see my coaching clients make happen when they get emotional and lose their head.

It only takes one short 2:00am drunk text to your ex to ruin any progress you’ve made with your ex, and potentially even kill your chances of getting them back.

So, it’s critical that you keep a level head and don’t cave in to your emotions or let your self-discipline slide.

Now that you’re calm and thinking clearly, how can you win back an ex who won’t talk to you?

Actually, you can’t.

Yes, you heard me folks… you’ll never get your ex back if they’ve disappeared from the face of the earth.

HOWEVER, while you need them to eventually reply to you and begin talking with you regularly again in order to get them back, you can do a few things to change how they’re acting right now, and make them WANT to reply to you and even to reach out on their own initiative.

Play It Cool Around Your Ex.. Always

First, though, there’s one critical thing you must understand: you cannot push too hard or come on too strong.

If your ex has already ignored multiple attempts to contact them — for instance, if you’ve sent them 3 texts and left 2 voicemails since your breakup a few weeks ago — you’re going to have to give them time and space for now.

Trying to send any further messages or really any attempt to contact your ex when they’ve already ignored multiple calls and texts is going to backfire badly, and make you look like a needy, desperate loser.

No matter what, if you’ve tried to reach out to your ex more than once in the past week — and didn’t get any reply at all — wait at least another week before you try again. AT LEAST a week.

Preferably wait even longer than a week, actually, especially if you’ve made numerous attempts to contact your ex without hearing back, or if you know they were angry or upset at you when you last spoke.

Take it Slow When Your Ex Ignores You!

Now, once you’ve left your ex alone for at least a week, you can begin thinking about trying to reach out again.

If you’re in any doubt about whether you need to wait longer before sending your next text or calling them again, wait longer.

It’s critical you give enough time to make sure your ex knows you’re not desperate, you’re moving on with life, and you’re not contacting them with any ulterior motive.

I like to say that you want your ex to be back to an “emotional neutral” state when you reach out and re-initiate contact, because that’s when some of my more covert psychological techniques will really start shifting the way he or she feels about you and a possible future together.

Click here and take my free 5-minute quiz to find out if you've still got a chance to win back your ex.

When It’s Time To Reach Out To Your Ex…

When you’re confident your ex is in that “emotional netural” state, and they won’t think of you as “needy” if they see you calling or see a text from you pop up on their phone, you can try to contact them again.

BUT — and this is a really important BUT here — you need to use a completely different strategy from your previous attempts to initiate contact.

In fact, better yet, send your ex one of the “Magnetic Attraction” texts that I’ve included in my Ex Factor program.

These are texts that I’ve developed over a decade of breakup coaching with clients in situations like yours, and they are specifically designed to trigger a certain response in your ex’s brain.

If you for some reason don’t want to use one of my proven messages, or if you already sent one or multiple to your ex previously, then it’s time to change the goal of your message to something completely different.

Usually, I recommend you start with super non-threatening stuff designed to make your ex smile or laugh or remember a fun memory you shared when you were together.

In fact, even if you don’t hear back after you send that type of message to your ex, there’s a good chance it still worked as intended and will help ensure they pick up the phone or reply to your message the next time you reach out.

So think of a one-liner message (and I do recommend texting or messaging online for now, no calls or in-person encounters yet) that will make your ex smile, think of a happy time you spent together, or reference an inside joke they’ll understand and appreciate.

If you can’t think of something funny or come up with a good memory to reference, try saying something genuinely helpful or interesting. For instance, let them know about some event or news story they may not have heard about already.

So, one quick message. That’s it. One, maybe two sentences, no more.

If you get a positive reply, great! Now you can wait another week to reach out again.

Again, slow and steady wins the race, folks… remember that you can’t get back together with someone who isn’t interested in talking to you, so we’re just trying to build rapport and shift their mental perception of you at this point.

If you don’t hear back, your strategy is the same — wait a week or more before trying again, this time using a totally different angle and probably a different method as well, like a Facebook message or a brief voicemail rather than another text.

Hopefully, though, if you use one of my Magnetic Attraction texts and think of a great joke or memory to share in the message, you’ll get a quick reply from your ex.

Slowly Increase Contact With Your Ex (SLOWLY!)

At this point, you’re likely going to get really excited to hear back from him or her.

You may be tempted to forget all about the crucial tip I gave at the beginning of this article, and suddenly start calling and texting like mad. That, my friends, would be a huge mistake… remember, be cool, right?

No matter what the reply says — well, unless it’s explicitly asking to get back together, which I actually have seen before believe it or not — you must do absolutely nothing for a few days.

Leave your ex alone again, just so that you can be certain they won’t feel threatened or think you’re going to start spamming them now that they’ve replied.

Once you’ve waited another few days or more, and you reach out again to your ex — and get another response — That’s your green light to SLOWLY and carefully increase the frequency of communication.

3 Golden Rules For Handling Interactions With Your Ex

I’m going to share with you THREE GOLDEN RULES for handling any contact with your ex after this point. If you follow these 3 rules religiously, you’ll be fine, and you’ll be on the path to getting back together…

…especially if you’re also employing the rest of my techniques to build attraction and start over in a new and improved relationship with your ex.

GOLDEN RULE #1 — Be Positive

All contact must be positive and fun. No drama, no arguing, no serious or heavy stuff whatsoever in any of your conversations with your ex, regardless of where or when or why.

Until you’re basically already back together as a couple, every encounter with your ex must be light-hearted and enjoyable for them. Anything serious or any drama will just remind your ex why they dumped you in the first place, and could set you back weeks. Keep it fun.

GOLDEN RULE #2 — Use Psychology Against Them

You need establish dominance & win the mind games. I’m a big psychology geek and I love the nuances of the human psyche, so I always advise using simple, covert strategies to ensure you have the “power” in any interactions with your ex.

Basically, you want to do and say things that will subconsciously show your ex that:

…YOU are the one who’ll be fine without your ex…

…YOU are the one who can easily find someone new any time you like…

…YOU are the one who is moving on to bigger and better things.

How do you do this? By being the “Alpha” during your conversations.

That means never replying to their messages too quickly, and letting some calls go to voicemail.

It means sometimes saying “no, sorry, I’m busy” when they ask to meet up even if that’s not really true. And it means always being the one who has to end the conversation first.

PRO TIP: Turn the tables and make your ex jealous with these psychological tricks.

Just keep this in your mind: your ex needs you more than you need them, they just don’t realize it yet.

By using these sneaky psychological hacks, you’ll be helping them understand what they’ve lost and ensuring you hold the balance of power.

GOLDEN RULE #3 — Seek Help From Professionals

Don’t gamble if you don’t know what you’re doing.

If you end up facing some sort of situation with your ex where you’re unsure how to handle things, or where there’s potential risk of making a mistake and blowing your chances for good, please sign up for 1-on-1 coaching with me and we’ll talk it over and come up with a plan.

I’m ready to help whenever you need some guidance or an outside opinion… Even if I don’t have a coaching spot available, I may be able to help you out. Let’s talk things over before you accidentally blow your shot.

Handling An Ex That’s Ignoring You — A Quick Recap Summary…

Stay cool, take it slow
Wait at least a week between attempts to contact your ex
Use my Magnetic Attraction texts to break the ice
If you don’t hear back, switch up your strategy for the next time
Keep things fun and upbeat, no drama
Never try to rush things or get too eager and show your true colors
Play the simple mind games that will show your ex what an amazing catch you are
Employ my Ex Back Program

…Do all of that and you’ll be giving yourself the best possible chance to win back your ex, even though they’re ignoring you right now.

Ten Texting Rules to Make Him Stay Interested In You

November 13, 2018/in Dating /by Amy North

I’m about to teach you ten texting rules to make sure a guy stays INTERESTED in you…

and not only that…

These texting rules will make him want to chase you like no tomorrow!

Skeptical? Just give these quick texting tips a quick listen and try them out yourself!

10 Text Message Guidelines That Will Keep Him Interested

Texting a guy you like is not as simple or as easy as it seems (at least, not when it comes to texting a romantic partner or a guy you like!)…

But, if you follow these 10 texting rules I’ve listed below, you’ll help keep your man engaged and interested.

Let’s begin, shall we?

1.) Show him that you have a life and passions outside of him

This is one of the biggest attraction killers when it comes to texting men… if you give your man a sense that he is the centre of your universe, he will lose attraction for you.

Remember, men are naturally hard wired to want to chase women… if you don’t give them a reason to feel that hunger and desire, they will generally lose interest.

That’s not to say that I’m trying to convince you to play games or mess with your man… no, quite the opposite.

What I’m encouraging you to do is to actually have a passion and life outside your man.

So spend time with your friends, spend time with your family, and have hobbies that only YOU do.

Don’t always say yes to him when he tries to make plans. To do this, you can occasionally text him something like,

“I would absolutely love to go out tomorrow night, but I promised my bestie I’d join her for paint night! Can we do Thursday?”

Once your guy senses that you’re the raddest human being of all time, he’s going to pursue you like a dog on raw meat! (He’ll also probably start wanting to commit to you and to a real relationship… don’t say I didn’t warn you!)

2.) Try and remain positive all the time!

Once you get to know a guy, it’s easy to let loose and begin complaining more about the negative aspects of your life.

There’s nothing wrong with confiding with your man about the things that bother you, but this can also be a real attraction killer.

If you’re constantly telling your guy about how shitty your life is, eventually, he’s going to think that you don’t have any control over your life… or even worse, maybe he’ll feel responsible for how shitty you feel.

So do your best and try and be cheerful, positive, and upbeat… and make sure your text messages reflect this.

There are many reasons to be a “cup half-full” kinda gal, so really, you’ve got nothing to lose!

Once your man sees how constantly chipper you are to text with, he’s going to be coming back for more and more.

3.) Don’t just say, “Hey” or “What’s up?”

This is one of the must lacklustre ways to greet someone over text. There are a TON of other things you can do to get his blood pumping in a way that makes him like you more.

Sure, we all feel a bit lazy sometimes… but it doesn’t take that much more effort to sound ten times more attractive.

You could say something like,

“Hey handsome guy – how did your presentation go today?”

“How are you, stud? Did you want Italian or Japanese for dinner tonight?”

A little effort goes a long way and it gives him something more substantial to reply to.

Remember this tip the next time you text your guy!

4.) Ask him thoughtful questions

I mean, don’t YOU like it when a guy asks about your life? It shows you that he cares, right?

So show HIM that you also care by asking him thoughtful questions.

Listen to what’s been on his mind most often — it could be something to do with school, work, or even a hobby that he’s really into.

It’ll not only show that you’re looking out for him, but also that you listen to what he cares about in his life.

5.) Don’t always respond too early or too late

Again, I don’t condone playing “mind-footsie” with your man, but I’d be lying to you if I said that playing hard to get doesn’t work.

If you respond to his text messages immediately, he’ll feel like you’re too available… but along the same lines, if you DON’T respond for a few days, he’ll lose interest because he’ll feel like you’re just not into him anymore.

The key is to sometimes respond in a timely manner, and to sometimes wait a few hours to reply.

If you followed rule number one (which was to make sure you have a life outside of your relationship) then this should happen naturally and organically.

But there’s also no harm in “faking it until you make it”. Once you get the hang of this easy-to-follow rule, your guy will be following you around like a lost puppy dog.

6.) Let him chase you

Don’t always be the one to initiate a conversation with him… once you know that he’s into you, let him text you first. (Look for these signs that indicate a guy likes you to figure out whether he’s fallen for you.)

This will let him feel like he’s the one chasing you and he’ll like that.

Remember, guys want to chase the woman that they’re interested in! So there’s no harm in letting him feel this way.

Just remember that the next time he DOES initiate a conversation with you through text, give him some positive feedback.

Say something like…

“Thanks! I was having a busy day and it’s really nice to hear from you. I’m good, what are you doing tonight?”

Something as simple as this can go a long way.

7.) Don’t text him too much…

And at the very least, don’t text him until he responds. This is especially important in the early days of dating.

If you text him way too much, he’ll get the impression that you’re a stage 5 clinger… and this is the least attractive thing you can do when you first meet a guy.

Instead, take a deep breath and play it cool. Be patient.

Understand that there are a ton of reasons why he won’t text back right away–he could be busy with work, school, friends, or family.

8.) Use humour in your text messages

Everyone loves to laugh, and texting is one of the easiest ways to show how funny you can be.

Even if you DON’T think you’re naturally that funny, you can send him memes, gifs, pictures, or videos to make him laugh.

I’m sure some of you follow funny Instagram accounts… if a meme or video makes you laugh, don’t be afraid to send it to him! Anything quick and fun is a great way to connect with your guy through text.

And the more you make a guy laugh, the more he’ll be into you… DUH!

9.) Don’t be afraid to get sexual (when you’re ready)

Guys LOVE sexy text messages – especially if things are starting to get serious.

And I don’t mean that you have to send him a bunch of nude selfies… in fact, sending him a well-crafted and classy text message can do the trick.

For example, you could say something like…

“I can’t wait to see you tonight. ;)”

or…

“Just went lingerie shopping today…”

You don’t have to be explicit in your sexy text messages.

Anything mysterious that stokes his curiosity in an intimate way will do the trick.

10.) Pay close attention to how you craft your text message

Don’t text like a teenager – learn to make sure that your text messages are well written, short, and sweet.

Guys do NOT like reading a novel, especially if it’s about something serious.

Save the relationship talk for in person! Texting is just a means to make your guy feel good and to set up real life dates.

Remember this the next time you want to bring up something serious through texting.

What Next? More Texting Tips…

For more on this topic, start by learning about the most common texting mistakes women make without realizing it…

…and click here to find out if you’re texting your man too often.

Lastly, here’s what to text a man when he bails on you.

“Why Did My Ex Break Up With Me?” — The REAL Truth Your Ex Is Hiding

November 8, 2018/0 Comments/in Breakups /by Brad Browning

Have you been wondering WHY your ex broke up with you?

Like, what was the REAL reason?

That’s a question that almost everyone asks themselves after they’ve been dumped… it’s only natural.

You want to know so that you can FIX those things, and hopefully get back together…

Or maybe you’re more in the “seeking closure so I can move on” mindset.

I’m going to tell you the REAL answer… the TRUE reason for your breakup that your ex will NEVER tell you about.

First, there’s a couple of crucial facts I need to share with you. The last of these facts is absolutely CRITICAL and something most people never even consider…

FACT #1: Your Ex Lied To You, or Hid Part of The Truth.

I’ve been a breakup coach for more than a decade, and I’ve worked with literally thousands of clients from 131 countries win back their ex or get over a breakup… and one thing I’ve learned during that time is this…

Exes lie.

In fact, I’d even go so far as to say that this is pretty much universal. Your ex is just NOT going to tell you the full truth about why they decided to break up with you.

Sometimes that means your ex will tell you a half-truth and withhold the full story, but often it will just be a flat-out lie.

Regardless, it’s safe to say that if your ex DID say anything about their reasoning behind the breakup, you can’t assume that’s the only reason, or the REAL reason.

There’s 2 reasons for this:

Your ex wanted to avoid hurting you by telling you the painful truth (like, for instance, they’re secretly leaving you for your best friend or because you’ve gained 140 pounds in the past 3 months)
They just don’t want to get into another big fight or drawn-out, drama-filled discussion about it.

FACT #2: There’s No ‘Silver Bullet’ That You Can Fix To Make Your Ex Take You Back.

Look, I think you can probably figure this out on your own, but let me spell it out just in case:

There’s no one thing you can change or fix that will suddenly change your ex’s mind.

Even if a big reason they dumped you was because of something tangible and easily fixable — they hated your friends, for instance — simply making that issue disappear is almost never enough by itself to reverse a breakup and go back to a happy, loving couple again.

Bending over backwards for your ex is the complete opposite of what you should be doing if you want them back.

You don’t want your ex to think you’re so desperate and heartbroken that you’re willing to change for them.

Even if you miss your ex so badly you can hardly breathe, DO NOT try to tell your ex that you’ll change and things will be different if they’ll give you another chance. That will make matters much worse, trust me.

What does this mean for you?

It means that, generally speaking, learning the REAL reasons behind your ex’s decision to break up won’t really help you much if you want to win them back.

FACT #3: Getting “Closure” Is Not Really Going To Make You Feel Any Better

OK, if you’re not that interested in getting your ex back… or if you’ve basically given up trying… then maybe you just want some “closure” from your ex so that you can flip the page and start a new chapter in life.

Newsflash: it ain’t happening!

That closure doesn’t really exist, or at least not in the way you might think. Sometimes, hashing things out with an ex can maybe make you feel a bit better or help you learn how to do things differently in future relationships… but generally, the idea of “getting closure after a breakup” is a myth.

And guess what happens when you sit down and talk things over with your ex? You start thinking about them again, and that brings up all of those memories and emotions…. If you’re trying to move on or even just push your ex out of our mind to numb the pain, getting “closure” will quite literally achieve the exact opposite.

OK, there’s one more fact I want to share, and this one is the most important one…. And the one that most people — including a lot of other so-called “breakup gurus” — really fail to understand or appreciate.

FACT #4: Even Your Ex Doesn’t Actually Know The Full Truth.

Yes, you heard me… in most cases, your ex won’t actually really fully know why they want to break up with you. Before you write me off as a lunatic here, let me explain, ok?

Humans are emotionally-driven creatures.

You might think you are in control of your feelings and behaviours, but you’re really driven by a series of chemical and hormonal changes in your brain… these hormones and neurons firing inside your head are what make you fall in love, feel betrayed, feel happy, feel heartbroken… it all boils down to chemical reactions inside the brain.

Now, most of the time, that’s irrelevant. Who cares what the actual mechanism behind your heartache is, right?

It hurts regardless of what’s causing it, which hormones are out of balance, and all that science-y crap…

Except, wait a second… think about it… your ex is human, right? I’m assuming so.

And remember how I mentioned earlier that falling in love is actually the result of certain hormones in the brain?

Oxytocin is the main hormone, in fact, that’s responsible for feelings of love and affection. And, back when your ex was crazy in love with you, in the ‘golden phase’ of your relationship, your ex’s brain was releasing a TON of oxytocin and other similar hormones like dopamine and serotonin.

And, when your ex started to fall out of love…. When they were no longer attracted to you in the same way as they used to be…. Their brain just wasn’t producing those hormones anymore. What were the triggers that led to this?

Was it stagnation and boredom, or was it really those 20 pounds you put on after you started dating? It’s likely a combination of many factors, and your ex won’t even know the true extent of the reasons.

Now, if you are trying to get back together with your ex… well, this is the part where I get to give you some great news:

You now have a fool-proof recipe for making them fall back in love with you!

If you can bring back the oxytocin and trigger those same hormones that led to them falling for you in the first place, the exact same thing is going to happen again… and there’s quite literally NOTHING they can do to stop it from happening.

As I said, we’re all at the mercy of our brain chemistry, and nothing on this planet can stop your ex from feeling in love with you if their brain is flooded with oxytocin and all the chemicals that cause us to feel affection and attraction…

No rational, logical reason your ex could think up would ever be enough to overpower their fundamental brain chemistry.

In other words, it doesn’t matter what their reasons were for the breakup… if you can stimulate those love hormones like oxytocin, you’ll build real, organic attraction and your ex will fight to have you by their side, regardless of how many times they’ve told you “we’re never getting back together.”

Like I said, we’re all at the mercy of our hormones.

7 Signs He’s Losing Interest In You (And What To Do About It)

October 24, 2018/0 Comments/in Dating /by Amy North

So, you landed a man and things are going great. It’s that making-out-in-the-rain Taylor Swift kind of love—sparks have flown, love has ignited, and it feels like this could be forever.

But then, something shifts.

He doesn’t text.

He doesn’t call.

You’re worried that he’s losing interest.

But how can you know for sure if he’s pulling away from you?

Well, there are 7 distinct signs that indicate he’s losing interest in you, which I’ll share with you below, so keep reading!

Signs He’s Losing Interest

Let’s dive into the first of these 7 warning signs…

SIGN #1 – You rarely spend time together (unless you initiate it).

He always seems to find reasons not to spend time with you, and when you think about it, you can’t remember the last time he asked you to hang.

He’s not as attentive, and that might mean that he’s working out a way to call things off.

Of course, he could be busy. And maybe he hasn’t had the time to spend quality moments with you, but if it’s become a pattern, it’s likely his interest in you is fading.

SIGN #2 – The relationship has become one-sided.

Conversations have shifted. You used to have dynamic discussions, but now it feels like you’re the one doing all the talking.

He’s stopped asking questions about you and your life, and shows an overall lack of interest in you and your relationship.

He’s ceased putting in any effort at all. When he does decide to call or message you back, it’s hours after the fact.

Maybe he used to be the kind of guy who remembered your schedule and would send you messages to check in during the day, but lately it’s been radio silence.

If he’s not talking to you, and if he’s not listening when you’re talking to him… chances are he’s about to bail.

SIGN #3 – Everything ends in a fight.

Is he defensive? Combative? Downright rude?

He interrupts you when you’re speaking, he doesn’t listen, and when he does engage in conversation. . . he can say some pretty nasty things.

If every conversation seems to end up in an argument it’s a red flag that he’s crafting his exit strategy.

SIGN #4 – You’re not having sex.

Physical intimacy has been off the table for a while. There was once a time when things were hot and heavy, but lately your relationship has been hands off.

If intimate moments have been few and far between for an extended period of time, it could indicate that he’s just not feeling your relationship anymore.

SIGN #5 – You’re having too much sex.

On the flip side, if it’s all sex all the time it can be a sign trouble is brewing. It might seem illogical, but you can have too much of a good thing.

He may be hiding behind physical intimacy, using it as a barrier against possible emotional conversations.

Why talk when you can… not talk?

If the relationship has become all about that body, and the only intimacy is physical intimacy, then it’s likely he’s just going through the motions… and that could mean he’s beginning to check out of the relationship.

SIGN #6 – He’s making excuses.

He’s been an absentee boyfriend and if you bring this up, he always has an excuse at the ready to justify his behavior.

He makes plans, breaks plans, and gets defensive when you ask him why he’s being such a flake.

When a guy is into his relationship, he finds a way to make time for his partner no matter what.

So if he’s making these excuses on the regular, it could mean that your relationship is on the rocks.

SIGN #7 – He’s stopped making plans for the future.

He committed to being your plus-one at your cousin’s wedding next summer, but now he’s getting cold feet.

He claims he doesn’t know where he’s going to be a month from now, so he can’t commit to that long weekend camping trip.

And if you bring up the overseas trip you started planning when you first got together, he shuts the conversation down ASAP.

If he isn’t talking about a future with you, then chances are when he does think about his future you aren’t in it.

WARNING: Before you start trying to pull him back in, you need to make sure you’re actually losing him.

Don’t take his actions out of context. If you can trace back his behaviour to an outside source that has nothing to do with you or your relationship, chances are he’s just having an off day, or week, or month.

Instead of twisting yourself into a panic, put a pin in your concerns until he’s on the other side of whatever is stressing him out. If his behaviour persists, then you’ll have to take action.

So, what happens when he really has lost interest?

How To Get Him Interested Again

Even if your man checks off on all of the seven signs listed above, there’s still potential to save the relationship. All hope has not been lost. Your relationship isn’t over yet.

Know your worth.

First things first, decide if the relationship is worth saving.

Ask yourself, “does he really deserve me?”

If he’s got one foot out the door, do you think it’s worth pulling him back in?

Even just asking yourself this question is a great way to boost your confidence and level the playing field.

Get him back by showing your value.

If you do decide to try to make it work, then you’ve got to show your value. Give him a taste of what he’ll be missing if he ditches you.

Just like that Joni Mitchell song, we don’t know what we’ve got ‘til it’s gone…

Don’t let Joni down!

Shake up your routine.

Don’t reach out to him and make plans. Instead of waiting around for him to call on a Friday night, throw on your favourite outfit and hit the town with your gal pals.

Take yourself to a movie. Pick up a new hobby. Join a spin class. Divert attention from your relationship back to yourself.

Don’t be clingy… be charismatic.

If you hold on too tight, the relationship will definitely slip out of your grasp. Instead, loosen your grip and turn that focus back on yourself.

Remember that you’ve got a life outside of your relationship. Remind him of who you are besides his girlfriend.

You want to recreate the person he fell for initially. Why was he drawn to you in the first place?

Get him thinking about all the reasons why he wanted to be with you.

Force him to consider what life without you would really be like. Make him miss you.

What if you’re the best version of yourself and he’s still not so sure?

Dig deep.

Consider why he’s pulling away. Have you forced a commitment too soon? If the relationship is clipping along at a pace that’s too quick for him, he might decide he isn’t ready and pull away.

Take a step back.

Relationships only work if both people are invested. If you’re pushing too hard and putting him under too much pressure, he’ll get uncomfortable and leave.

You can ease off and let the relationship develop at a pace that works for both of you.

Slow it down, but don’t bring things to a complete halt.

This isn’t about slamming on the brakes: it’s about listening to your partner.

Creating space is different from creating distance. Don’t think of it as pulling away–you’re actually providing space for your relationship to grow.

Let him know that you’re still here for him. And that you don’t want him to go anywhere, either.

Do you often find yourself stuck with men who refuse to commit, no matter how hard you try? Watch this free how-to video presentation I recently posted on my website.

References & Further Reading

Rhoades, G. K. and Whitton, S. W. (2010), Commitment: Functions, Formation, and the Securing of Romantic Attachment. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 2: 243-257.

Stanley, S. M. (2017), Give me a sign: What Signals Commitment? Dr Scott Stanley – Relationship Research Blog

Tanner, Mimi. (2016), Things Were Going Well… Really Well.

Why Do Men Pull Away and Lose Interest?

May 11, 2018/1 Comment/in Relationships /by Amy North

Once you understand why your man is pulling away and avoid the typical instinctive mistakes most women make…

…Not only can you win him back, but he’ll become more devoted and loving than ever!

Why Do Men Pull Away?

We’ve all been there. One day your man is devoted, loving and hangs on your every word.

Then out of nowhere he seems distant whenever you’re around each other.

He stops replying to texts and returning calls.

He doesn’t hold your hand, caress your hair and touch you like he used to.

And to make things worse, you sense he’s starting to show interest in other women.

“What did I do wrong?”

“What changed?”

“Why is he acting like this?”

This feeling of your man pulling away and losing interest is one of the most painful things to ever experience.

It’s like watching your break-up in agonizing slow motion.

Understanding Why He Loses Interest Can Be Like Solving An Impossible Mystery

Why men lose interest is one of the biggest mysteries us ladies face.

It’s like trying to find buried treasure without a map while blindfolded!

As a dating coach with years of experience working with women in this kind of situation, I know how difficult it can be. You’re probably feeling confused, you’re panicking, and you’re at a total loss about what to do to make him want you again.

To get to the bottom of why you suddenly lost his heart, it’s first important to understand the difference in our biological makeup.

Here, I’ll explain.

The Female Brain vs The Male Brain

The reason guys pulling away is so confusing for our logical female brains is because when we lose interest in a guy, we can explain it.

Maybe he was too clingy, lacked motivation, wasn’t attentive.

Whatever the reason, it’s easy for us to articulate it.

But when it comes to guys, if only it was this logical!

They have a VERY hard time (that’s being generous!) explaining their reasons.

And here’s where it gets really ridiculous and drives us ladies towards insanity…

From Thinking You’re “The One” to “Bye Bye!” Almost Over Night

Men can go on a few great dates with a woman, text her daily, think she might even be “The One”… then POOF!

Just like that he disappears and completely loses interest in her.

His sudden, mysterious disappearance or loss of interest can leave you completely befuddled.

Without answers.

Questioning every little thing you said and did.

Our instincts tell us to probe. To ask, “What’s wrong, babe?”

We tend to make ourselves MORE available.

But all this does is drive him further away.

Why? Why? Why? You ask yourself over and over. Getting no closer to an answer. Or winning him back.

Well, you’re about to discover exactly why he does it. And what to do when he does.

The 5 Most Common Reasons Your Man Pulls Away

Just about all men will pull away at one some point or another while dating or in a relationship with a woman.

It could happen when you first meet, after weeks, months or even years of being together.

When it inevitably happens, it creates a significant moment.

And how you respond can be the difference between him disappearing forever or returning to the loving, engaged and intimate man he once was.

And the key to responding to his pulling away and losing interest to win back his attention lies in understanding the exact reasons why he is doing it.

Read on and I’ll explain.

Reason #1: Your Emotions Show

When you first start dating a guy, before you’re emotionally involved, you’re cool, calm and collected.

Guys love this stage.

They find this aloof confidence extremely attractive. You’re easy going and super fun to be around.

But as time passes, women become more emotionally involved. Their feelings begin to show.

Guys, on the other hand, might not have started thinking twice about what’s going.

All of a sudden, the relationship has transformed from straightforward and carefree to more serious.
Women start looking into the future, picturing the two of them together, worrying about losing their dream guy.

Guys can quickly sense this happening.

And when they do, they don’t know how to respond, and so they pull away.

So be aware of how you’re coming across early on. Are your emotions on show in bright lights like a Broadway musical?

Obviously here I’m not saying become an emotionless robot. But it’s about being in control of your emotions.

Reason #2: You’re Insecure

Look, I’m not trying to insult you here, but if you’re the type who is constantly nagging your boyfriend about other women, asking him every two seconds who he’s texting or complaining about your body image then it’s no wonder your man is losing interest in you.

Interrogating your man about his female friends and questioning his every waking move just makes you come across as jealous and insecure.

This kind of behavior will quickly get you labelled the “crazy type”.

Sure, everyone has insecurities. Even the most beautiful women.

But these are personal, internal feelings and issues you need to deal with.

Projecting them onto your guy is only going to make them worse. And push him away quick smart!

Reason #3: You Seem Desperate

If your man is pulling away, it might be because you’re emotionally unequipped.

Basically, if you’re not happy with yourself, your guy can easily become your sole source of happiness which is suffocating for him.

It’s vital in a relationship that you both have your own independent lives. Your own hobbies, interests, passions and friends.

If you don’t, your man can quickly become the center of your universe. Everything you do will revolve around him and you’ll seem desperate and scare the poor the poor guy away.

Put yourself in his shoes.

Would you want to be with someone who was desperate for your love and attention?

Of course not! Talk about MAJOR turn off!

So, be sure to maintain your own busy, exciting, independent life.

This independence and confidence will make him even more attracted to you.

Reason #4: You Gave It Up Too Soon

When it comes to sex, women and men are the total opposite.

Women can sleep with a guy and feel more emotionally connected and attracted.

On the other hand, men see sleeping with a woman as a challenge. And once the pursuit is over, guys can easily lose interest and move on.

So, giving up sex with a guy too early on can be one of the biggest mistakes when it comes to forming a strong bond and serious relationship.

If you give it up too soon and he doesn’t have to work for it, chances are he’ll put you down as just another meaningless “fling”.

I’m not saying be an uptight prude.

But just remember, what starts fast, ends fast!

Reason #5: You Tried To Force Love

When you start seeing a guy, no matter how amazing and steady it seems, it’s important to keep your heart out of the situation until you’re in a serious, committed relationship.

You see, men live more in the moment, whereas women are constantly looking to the future.

This means that while you might be planning your life together in your mind, a guy can be crazy about you one week then change his mind the next.

When you let yourself get emotionally involved too soon, it’s more than likely he’ll notice. Even if you don’t say it out loud.

And when he does, he’ll start to feel pressured and like things are becoming too serious too fast. That you want more than him.

And his response?

Yep, you guessed it. He’ll run for miles!

So be patient. Don’t try and force his emotions.

Love comes at its own pace. And when it does, it’s always worth the wait!

Huh, So THAT’s Why He’s Pulling Away…

So now you know the main reasons why men pull away.

And what to do the next time the horrible feeling of your man losing interest inevitably comes.

From my years working as a relationship coach, I can honestly say the five reasons you’ve learnt today make up almost all the cases of “he’s losing interest and pulling away” that I see.

If you want to learn more about how to avoid your man pulling away, to make him always pursue and love you powerfully, watch the free video presentation on my website… in the video, you’ll learn about the Devotion System (and how it can give you the power to make any man desperate to commit).

How To Get A Girlfriend

March 20, 2018/1 Comment/in Dating /by Kate Spring

Life is meant to be shared. You’re looking for someone to be your number one, your lover and your friend.You may have had trouble getting and keeping women in the past. You may even wondering “How do I talk to women?

Many men I talk to complain that women only see them as a friend or that women don’t even want them around. Getting a girlfriend may seem like an impossible task right now. That’s okay. This guide is for you.

We’ll cover how to meet girls, how to make girls want you, how to talk to a girl, how to ask girls out and how to go from dating to a relationship.

What Women Want In A Man

As a dating coach, men often ask me…

“How do I make girls want me?”

I tell them that women are all different but in general, they’re all looking for the same things in a guy.

Plenty of different kinds of men manage to get girlfriends and keep them. But if you look at those who are successful with women, who make them happy and keep them around, you’ll notice they have a few things in common.

These are LEARNED traits that you can adopt to make you stand out from the pack and be irresistible to women.

Be A Leader

This one isn’t as hard as it sounds. You don’t need to become the quarterback of a football team or the CEO of a Fortune 500 company to be a leader. What you need to do is demonstrate leadership qualities.

If you’re planning a date, (more on this later) don’t ask her what she wants to do. Have a plan. There are plenty of simple ways you can take charge in ordinary situations. Pick her up from her house whenever possible. Choose what movie you watch.

Be in control without being controlling.

In any organization you’re a part of whether it’s a club, a sports team, or your workplace, take on leadership roles whenever possible. Take on more responsibility when it’s offered and stay in the know. When she sees how people look up to you, she won’t be able to keep her hands off of you.

Be In Control Of Yourself

Being level-headed is a great way to show that you’re dependable without coming across as clingy. Don’t let anything external affect your emotions or your actions.

If you’re angry, you’re not in control because you’re letting others control your emotions. If you have a strong opinion, stick to your guns and don’t be afraid to assert yourself. Exercise, meditation, and self-discipline are great ways to take control of your own emotions.

If she sees nothing affects you, she’ll know that you have inner strength and confidence.

Have Female Friends

Women like to feel safe around a guy. If they see other women can feel safe and happy around you, they’ll feel subconsciously that they can too. If there are other women swarming around you, it will make them wonder why. If they’re intrigued, you’re halfway there.

If you have trouble talking to women, keep it simple. The first step to female friends is to engage the women around you in small talk: servers, cashiers, female coworkers. Don’t feel pressure to impress them or make them laugh. Just listen and talk.

This will be great practice for when you move on to asking girls out.

Make Her Feel Good

Now I’m not talking about being some kind of sexpert (although that never hurts). I mean you need to be able to provoke a positive emotional response.

Make her laugh. Get her talking about something that interests or excites her. Buy her a bagel. There are plenty of ways to get a woman to feel good and if she starts noticing she feels better when you’re around, she’ll want you around more and more.

Have Goals

You have one goal already: getting a girlfriend. Apply this to other areas of your life. It can be as simple as running a 5k race or as far-reaching as winning an Oscar for Best Sound Design. Find out what you want and take positive steps towards it and women will take notice.

Striving towards goals says certain things about you: you know what you want, you’re confident in yourself, you’re independent. All of these things make you desirable.

If you think that this is all crazy talk, consider this:

Why do women like the lead singer of a band?

He’s a leader. He’s in control of his voice and his physicality on stage. His music makes them feel good. If he can record music and play shows he’s capable of following through on goals.

Think about other types of powerful, attractive men: A-list actors, CEOs, Firefighters. They share most, if not all, of these traits.

Alright, you tick all these boxes, more or less. You’re a goal-oriented, disciplined, in-demand, positive guy without a girlfriend. What next? While this advice will make you more attractive to girls, it won’t necessarily make them approach you. Whether it is genetics or social conditioning, women are significantly less likely to approach men and ask them out.

Where To Meet Women

Women: they’re everywhere. But how do you meet them? Your goal is to get into a situation where you get to regularly interact with women. No, not the strip club. Try volunteering, join a club, take an exercise class. There are co-ed sports leagues offered by most community centres.

If you’re looking to maximize the number of women around, look for activities women are more likely to do. Maybe a dance class rather than fight club. And a bonus is you’ll pick up a skill and gain confidence. Girls love a guy who wants to better himself.

How To Talk To Women

The best thing about this strategy is you don’t even need to approach women. Putting yourself in these

situations will make talking to girls inevitable. Introduce yourself. Ask them for help with something. Comment on how much you’re enjoying a specific aspect of the activity. Small talk is key to building a relationship.

Be friendly but keep it casual and take it slow. Remember, you want to be available but not desperate. You don’t need them. You’re in control and independent.

If the conversations get longer, you make each other laugh, and you find she’s seeking you out that means you’re connecting as more than just acquaintances.

Now is time to ask her out.

How To Get Dates

So you’ve built rapport with a specific person and you want to take the next step. There are important things to keep in mind to help you close the deal.

Make your intentions clear

The next time you talk, ask her out for drinks, coffee, or lunch. These seem cliche but they work because they’re not too much of a commitment for her (so they’re non-threatening) and they’re “classic dates” so they’re unlikely to be confused for friend activities. Women love a guy who isn’t afraid to use the word date.

Have a plan

Be specific with what you want to do. Come up with an idea for a fun activity based on her interests and what you know about her.

Don’t ask her to “hang out”. She may get the idea that you only want sex or worse, she may get the idea that you just want to be friends. Either one is a no-go.

Avoid group activities

Group hangs can be fun but if you’re serious about pursuing her romantically, you don’t want to be her friend first. She’ll start seeing you as just one of the guys and that will make it difficult to change her mind. If she asks you to do a group activity, tell her you’re busy and use that as an opportunity to suggest a one-on-one date later on.

“I’d love to but I can’t make it Thursday. How about we grab a lunch next week? There’s a new place on Smith Street where the menu is all grilled cheese.”

What if I end up in the Friend Zone anyway?

This is a risk you’ll need to take. Any girl who will friendzone you wasn’t interested in the first place. Don’t take it personally. This doesn’t reflect on you or her. It’s probably just not a good match.

There’s still a benefit here: another female friend will increase your attractiveness and give you more experience talking to women.

If you want out of the friend zone, there are things you can do to make her see you as more than just a friend.

Getting A Girlfriend

So you’ve been out on a few dates with her and it’s going well. You have chemistry and you plan to spend more time together. But how do you go from casually dating to boyfriend and girlfriend?

This is the easy part.

If you’re reading this page, you’re probably pretty goal oriented. What I mean is, you’ve identified a goal (getting a girlfriend) and are moving towards achieving it. But now is the time to pump the brakes.

Keep going on dates and enjoying each other’s company. Don’t make any big statements about love or your feelings. Don’t overdo it with gifts and don’t call or text her non stop. In fact, do the opposite of what your instincts are telling you.

Now is the time to ask yourself:

“Would she be a good girlfriend?”

“What is attractive about her?”

“Is she right for me?”

This may sound crazy but it’s a key part of the process. Maybe you’ve been so blinded by the end goal that you’ve missed that this girl just isn’t right for you. You now know that you can attract women, so now’s the time to be choosy.

Either way, continue to silently ask yourself these questions when you’re around her and something powerful will happen. You’ll stop chasing her and she’ll start chasing YOU.

That’s because a guy who is asking himself these questions is in control, he’s careful, and he’s NOT DESPERATE. This is where the classic false belief that “women like assholes” comes from. Women like men who know their worth and don’t need to prove themselves to anyone.

Don’t treat her differently but continue to ask yourself if she’s the one for you and watch as she gives you what you want. You’ll be going steady before you know it.

How to Improve Your Sex Life In a Few Simple Steps

October 4, 2017/in Relationships /by Jessica Raymond

Sex, like love, has a tough job. People put a lot of pressure on poor old sex, saying it – or the lack of it – is responsible for the success or failure of their marriage or relationship. Millions of magazine articles and online advice columns (just like this one) tell readers how to re-energize their relationship with “mind-blowing sex,” or how to “reignite passion in the bedroom,” or how to achieve “true intimacy through sex.”

Sex is a good thing, and an important part of any romantic relationship, but it’s important to remember that it is just a part, not the entire thing. Sex is one ingredient in a healthy, happy, intimate relationship, but sex isn’t intimacy, and it isn’t a magic bullet that will eliminate all the other problems in a marriage.

One reason people have problems with sex is that they expect too much from it. This is also true of “love,” however you define it. We load down both love and sex with so much baggage, so many expectations, that both experiences are bound to disappoint us. So, do yourself and your partner a favour and take some of the pressure off. If you expect less from sex, you are more likely to be happy with what you get. That doesn’t mean giving up on sex altogether, or not having any. It just means having a more realistic attitude towards it.

Here are a few simple ways you can start improving your sex life right away.

Stop Watching Porn

It is hardly news that ubiquitous, unavoidable pornography has ruined many people’s sex lives. The performers in porn are not “ordinary people” in any sense at all. They are “sexual athletes” and they have the same relationship to what you do in your bedroom as Usain Bolt has to you jogging around the block for exercise.

John Holmes, one of the first porn superstars, used that phrase “sexual athlete” to describe his work. By comparing what he did on camera to a sports event aired on TV for entertainment, he pointed out an important but uncomfortable truth. We all need to think about what he meant.

A huge problem with porn is that it distorts our ideas of what sex is. There’s absolutely nothing new in me saying this, as people have been saying it for a long, long, long time. But it needs to be said often, or everyone forgets it.

If you haven’t run more than 50 meters to catch the bus in decades, but you see sprinters exploding down the track at the Olympics and decide to go out and start sprinting yourself, I’d call you a bit foolish. If you were then upset with yourself after trying to sprint because you couldn’t go as fast as the sprinters you saw on television, I’d say you were an idiot.

Yet plenty of people watch pornography and see pneumatically inflated men and women with enormous, impossible penises and breasts and unbelievable sexual appetites having all kinds of crazy sex using gymnastic positions that look more likely to break a hip, tear a knee ligament or wrench your spine out of joint than give you an orgasm, and then they somehow expect to be able to do this sort of thing themselves. A steady diet of hardcore pornography leads them to expect their own partners to look like the people they’ve seen on screen, and also to be constantly ready for and interested in acrobatic, athletic, marathon sex with multiple climaxes.

A whole lot of pornography is much more like a circus freak show than anything that goes on in an ordinary person’s bedroom. It’s more of a “can you believe that?” kind of thing than a guide to what sex really is.

So do yourself a big favor and ditch the porn. That’s the first and most helpful step you can take.

No, Wait, Start Watching Porn

How to Improve Your Sex Life In a Few Simple Steps What? Didn’t I just say the opposite? Well, yes, I did. What I should be saying here, since I don’t really expect too many people to be able to give up completely on any exposure to porn (even if you don’t use porn yourself, some, if not most, of your partners are likely to), is start watching porn differently. That’s important – see porn as what it is and look at it for information about what turns you on and what turns your partner on.

Used this way, porn can be a helpful part of sex. Watching it together, in limited doses, can help a couple connect and get over some of the barriers in being honest with each other about what they like, and don’t like, in bed. After all, people still watch elite level sports, and they still go to circus freak shows (sometimes). But as long as they don’t confuse those things with reality and try to achieve the same results themselves, it’s OK.

Have an open, honest, realistic conversation about porn with your partner. Perhaps look at some together, or show each other what kinds of porn you like. This will help you learn a few things about each other, and perhaps give you some ideas to try, carefully, with each other.

Change Your Idea About What ‘Sex’ Is

As I said above, people tend to burden sex with far too much responsibility. “Good sex” (whatever that may be) we are told is the magic, essential ingredient for any relationship. If you don’t have “good sex,” you are doomed. Eventually you’ll end up sleeping in two separate beds, like the sexless couples in those 1950s sitcoms.

One way to avoid this problem is to rethink what your idea of “good sex” is. The lazy idea – pushed by the pornography industry – is that the number of orgasms you and your partner have determines how “good” sex is. That’s it, a numbers game. No orgasm? Then it wasn’t “good” sex, and maybe, by that definition, it wasn’t even sex at all!

But there’s a better way to look at sex – as a spectrum of activity from gentle cuddling and touching at one end to full intercourse and climax at the other end. In between are a whole range of activities, from sensual massage and foreplay to sexual teasing and games. Can you have “sex” even if you can’t get an erection today? Of course you can! Don’t reduce “sex” to penetration and orgasms, or to any narrow definition. Broaden your ideas and you will be happier, and, by definition, you’ll be having more sex.

Phone-Free Date: Ready for Romantic Adventure?

September 27, 2017/in Dating /by Jessica Raymond

Ask your parents about dates they went on when they were young and you are likely to learn something surprising – somehow people in the past managed to meet each other without Facebook or Tinder or other social media, and they managed to talk to each other and plan dates without a smartphone. They were able, unbelievable as it may seem, to find each other’s homes without GPS and maps in their phones or cars, and they were able to find good restaurants without Yelp reviews and navigate to them without technology. They were skilled at communicating their attraction and love for each other using pen and paper, or ancient telephones with cords plugged into the wall. How, you may wonder, was any of this possible?

Well, you should stop wondering and try it yourself.

Yes, you read that right – I’m actually suggesting you and your boyfriend or girlfriend, your husband or your wife, leave home and go on a date in the distant past, without your phones!

Is this because technology is bad for romance? No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. Technology can be quite useful when it comes to love and romance. But it can also get in the way of a genuine human connection. Surely you have seen (or been!) a couple at a restaurant or on a walk who are both staring at smartphone screens rather than looking at each other, or talking to each other.

Sometimes, being old fashioned can have its advantages. Send your beloved a paper letter in your own handwriting and it’s a much more personal, special message than the dozens or hundreds of emails and texts they typically get in a day.

Most of the time, people tend to remember the times when things didn’t go as planned better than they recall the moments that were just ordinary and expected. You remember when you locked yourself out of the car or when the power failed and you got stuck in an elevator. You don’t remember the night you sat on the couch and watched TV, because it was just like the thousands of other nights you did the exact same thing.

Leave Phone At Home

So, for a fun, memorable date, try leaving your phones, and any other technological devices, at home. Lock them away in a drawer and figure out how to find each other without them.

Phone-Free Date: Ready for Romantic Adventure? Agree on a time and place to meet – a coffee shop at five, or the lobby or bar at a hotel at six-thirty, or on a particular street corner at seven. That’s pretty easy. What’s different is that you can’t text each other if you’re delayed – say the bus or train is running late, or there’s traffic. You just have to wait around if you’re already there, or rush and fret if you’re the one who is late. This anxiety can be quite exhilarating, as you wonder what might be going on. Nervous waiting enhances romance. Just ask your parents.

Wondering about the weather? Well, stick your head out the window and take a guess. If the two of you get caught in a sudden rainstorm, enjoy it!

Pick a restaurant you’ve never been to before, or just stroll around together until you see one you like. Don’t read any menus in advance, or check it out on Yelp. Just go there. Finding it without a map might be part of the fun, too. Either sketch out a map on a bit of paper (what a crazy idea!) or get an old map of your city – if you don’t have any decaying away in a desk drawer, you can still buy them in a few places. You may get lost. In fact, you probably will get lost. But you’ll get lost together, and that’s what’s fun about it.

The Joy Of Conversation

At dinner, you won’t be able to fumble out your phone when you get nervous, or when you can’t think of anything to say, or when you can’t remember some funny story you wanted to tell. Instead, you will have to look at each other and talk to each other. You may be surprised what you learn while actually having a conversation, though.

Once you get a little braver, you might try something even more daring – maybe an overnight trip, or a road trip to another city, without your phones! Perhaps this sounds terrifying, or unwise (After all, what will you do if your car breaks down? You will do the same thing your parents had to do), but it will be a very different kind of adventure.

And what is an adventure anyway? It’s some difficult or unusual experience you have had that gives you a good story to tell. If something happens to you every day, it doesn’t count as an adventure. Having adventures is what binds couples together – a great shared story about “Remember when …?” is a treasure the two of you can enjoy over and over again, when you are together and when you are apart.

Give each other the gift of an adventure.

3 Reasons It’s Not Cool to Let Men Pay For Everything

September 21, 2017/in Relationships /by Jessica Raymond

What? Only three reasons?

This subject seems like it should be a complete and total no-brainer, but now and then it is worth revisiting a question or issue that seems like it’s already been answered, solved and put to bed.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with a man picking up the entire tab on a date, paying for the whole dinner, for movie tickets, for gas for the car, for the Uber or taxi ride, for theater or opera or concert tickets. That’s fine. I also have no problem with a woman doing exactly the same thing.

I don’t even have a problem with one partner or the other paying for all of something more expensive, like a weekend away in the country or an overseas holiday.

But I draw the line at men (or women, for that matter) paying for everything. For now, let’s stick to men, since that idea seems to be a more common holdover from the past. So here are three good reasons why men should not be allowed to or encouraged to pay for everything in a relationship.

It Isn’t Fair

This seems pretty obvious. A relationship should be fair and equal, a division between two partners. This doesn’t just apply to paying for stuff, either – it should apply to chores and earning income and picking vacations and all other aspects of the relationship.

I don’t mean one partner can’t pay more, or earn more, or take out the garbage more often. If you have two cars and only one garage (or if you have a two-car garage that’s half full of boxes and other stuff), then one of you will have to park out on the street, or under that tree that drips sticky sap on the hood and windshield. So long as you both have a conversation and agree to a fair way to decide whose car is covered and whose isn’t, that’s cool.

3 Reasons It’s Not Cool to Let Men Pay For Everything The same thinking should apply to paying for dates. Maybe early on, on the first couple of dates, you’re not sure of each other, or you’re trying to impress each other, so one of you reaches for the check at the restaurant and refuses to let the other pay. Fine. No problem. But don’t let that initial generosity turn into an unfortunate habit.

At some point, you need to have a grown up conversation about splitting the costs. It isn’t easy to start such a conversation, whether you are the one who has been doing the paying (because you worry you’ll be seen as cheap) or if you’re the one who hasn’t been paying (because maybe you’re anxious that you won’t be able to afford to pay for things). But for the health of your relationship, it’s vital to talk to each other and share costs, right from the start.

It Reinforces Prehistoric Thinking

The old idea that men owned women may have worked in the past, but it isn’t at all appropriate today. In the past there was a sense that a man worked at a job and made money, bought a nice car, took a woman out to dinner and a movie in his nice car, paid for everything, opened doors for her, and then she somehow owed him something. He was paying, in a sense, for her attention and her attractiveness. In theory, he was competing with several men for her attention and the more money he spent, the better his chances were.

But that dynamic between men and women was chucked in the bin long ago. Nowadays, male and female partners on dates or married spouses are far more likely to both be working and have money than in the past. So they should both be paying for things.

Certainly it is true that some old-fashioned ideas about men and women haven’t changed and are due to innate principles of human nature. Men still typically try to show off to impress and attract women, and flashing some cash is still a way to attract and impress (some) women. But women have worked hard for their social and political liberation, and having a man pay for everything runs counter to the gains they have made.

When a man pays for everything, and when a woman lets him, the message is that the woman is somehow beholden to the man, or dependent on him. That’s not a healthy message for either partner to hear. Both partners need to know they could stand on their own two feet if they needed to, and both need to know that they make vital contributions to the relationship and household.

It Sets Up a Skewed Dynamic Between Partners

There’s a power dynamic in relationships, though it doesn’t always become apparent until a little time has passed. But by the time two people are married, the lines of strength and weakness between them are usually pretty clear.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses they bring to the relationship, and the ideal situation is that the strengths of one partner help to counter the weaknesses of the other, and vice versa. A relationship, to be healthy and long-lasting, should be based on the principle of equal partners. Each partner brings many positive things to the relationship and makes many contributions to it.

3 Reasons It’s Not Cool to Let Men Pay For Everything In a relationship where the man pays for everything, an unequal dynamic is set up right away. Even if it isn’t overt and obvious at first, that unequal power dynamic can lead to resentments by either partner – these can be subconscious resentments that people aren’t even aware they have. The man, paying for everything, can build up resentment that he has to pay for everything. The woman can also become resentful about being controlled or dominated by money. Resentments like those tend to eat away at a relationship over time, like termites chewing away at wooden house. You may not see the termites, but one day the house collapses.

So do yourself a favor – join the 21st Century and share the costs.