Sometimes breaking up feels like the only answer.
But what happens when you regret ending the relationship and want your ex back?
This is a tricky situation but there is hope if you follow this simple advice.
Now, I do need to begin with a word of warning: there are a lot of factors that will determine how difficult winning back your ex is going to be. For some of you, it may be a matter of simply meeting up and asking him or her to get back together. That’s obviously pretty unlikely, but in some cases–such as if it’s only been a few days since your breakup, or your ex clearly didn’t agree with your decision to break up–it could be that simple.
How Much Time Has Passed?
Time is the biggest factor here. The longer it’s been since your initial breakup, the more difficult it’s going to be to re-build your ex’s attraction to you to the point where he or she will want to get back together. That’s not to say it’s impossible to win back your lover after a year or more apart, but it’s definitely going to be a lot more challenging.
Partly, the reason it’s tough to get back together after a long time apart is because your ex will probably find someone new in that time and I think it goes without saying that you’re going to have a tougher time if your ex is in a serious relationship with someone new.
So if you’re in that kind of situation, where it’s been many months or even years since the initial breakup–and you already know your ex is seeing someone else, and has been for some time–then please think about moving on.
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I’m not saying you can’t get him or her back, because I’ve seen it happen with my clients many times in the past, but you definitely need to be ready for the possibility that you won’t be able to get him or her back and you’ll need to move on.
How Did The Breakup Go?
Another thing that will affect your strategy and your odds of success is your ex’s attitude and overall feelings towards you. Did you dump them in a brutal fashion, or was it a tough decision you made together after shedding a lot of tears?
If you were a complete dick and kicked your ex to the curb, that may not actually hurt your chances of getting them back, believe it or not. But generally speaking, the ‘cleaner’ your breakup, the easier it’s going to be to get back together.
I know some of you are wondering, “what if my ex initially didn’t want to break up, it was all my decision, but since then, they’ve changed their mind and now they don’t want me back?”
Good question, that’s a common scenario too, and you’re going to need to use some of my sneaky psychological tactics to re-build attraction and change his or mind.
How To Get Your Ex Back (If You Ended It)
Now, regardless of which of the scenarios I’ve just described applies to you, your starting point is the same. If you haven’t already done so, cut off the lines of communication with your ex starting today.
Depending on how long it’s been since your initial breakup, you may need to employ the full 30 days of No Contact, which is what I advise 99% of the time. However, if you haven’t spoken with your ex at all for 2 or more weeks already, then you can skip this part.
Otherwise, you NEED to shut down all contact with your ex for a while, especially if the breakup happened fairly recently, in the last 6-8 weeks or so. The No Contact period is designed to give your ex time to let go of negative memories, and begin to foster some positive nostalgic ones.
This happens naturally when you’re not talking to one another, and studies have shown that 30 days or so is the point at which those nostalgic feelings peak after a breakup. So basically, if you ignore your ex for a month after breaking up, that’s when he or she is going to be missing you the most and thinking about all the amazing times you shared together.
The other reason for employing my No Contact strategy is because it sort of acts as “shock therapy.” instead of allowing your ex to gently let you go over a period of weeks or months, you’re cutting yourself out of their life cold turkey.
Trust me, if you’ve been in a serious relationship for a few months or longer, then suddenly having your partner disappear from your life is a huge shock and it’s going to create some SERIOUS heartache.
So, you need to make sure that your ex knows how painful it is when you’re not around anymore, and the No Contact strategy is the best way to do that.
The Re-Attraction Phase
After you’ve finished your period of radio silence — and again, the more recent your breakup and the more contact you’ve had since the breakup, the longer you need to avoid talking to your ex — it’s time to start re-building attraction and planting the seeds of romance in his or her mind.
Basically, my techniques are designed to eliminate your ex’s negative thoughts and feelings towards you and your relationship, and replace them with positive ones.
Instead of your ex thinking “ugh, that loser ex who might’ve cheated on me” every time they hear your name, you want them to think, “ugh, how did I let that amazing person walk out of my life, that was such a mistake.”
You’ve already started to do this by employing the No Contact phase, because that will help your ex let go of the baggage and negative memories but now you need to build real, organic attraction.
You want to make your ex see getting back together as their best option so that they’ll ignore any other guys or girls in their life, and be overwhelmed by their attraction to you, forcing them to ask you for a second chance.
This part is where many people make some serious mistakes. Building that kind of attraction — making your ex see YOU as their soulmate, and the person they should spend their life with — doesn’t happen with words. You can’t just send your ex some flowers and hope that they’ll suddenly fall back in love with you. The only time that strategy might work is if your ex already wants to get back together anyway.
For the other 99% of you, sending love notes or spilling your heart out or sending flowers and gifts to your ex is going to do exactly the opposite. It’s going to make you look like a desperate, clingy loser.
Since YOU are the one who broke up with your ex initially — or at the very least, your breakup was a mutual decision — you’ve actually got an advantage at this point in the process. Generally speaking, when you’re the “dumper” rather than the one who’s been dumped, you’re going to find it easier to start talking to your ex again and in particular it’s usually easier to set up in-person meetings with your ex.
Why? Because — if you’ve played your cards correctly up to this point — your ex won’t realize you’ve changed your mind and decided you want to get back together. That means that your ex is less likely to see your true intentions and won’t feel threatened by the idea of hanging out with you.
Now, in case I didn’t make it clear, you do NOT want your ex to know that you’ve changed your mind and decided you want to get back together. Don’t throw away the huge advantage you have being the one who initiated the breakup by telling your ex that you want them back. Don’t show any sadness or regret over the breakup, don’t ask for a second chance.
Just act like you’re confident in your decision to break up.
You want your ex to think you’re enjoying the single life, having fun, and aren’t affected emotionally at all.
If you’ve already blown it and told your ex you want them back or, worse yet, begged and pleaded for a second chance. Well, that’s not ideal, but don’t sweat it. The No Contact phase is even more important in this type of situation, so you’ll want to disappear from his or her radar for at least a few weeks, and then re-start communication again, this time giving the impression that you’re moving on and no longer desperate or heartbroken those types of behaviours are attraction-killers, not attraction-builders.
Don’t start re-establishing the connection with your ex by suddenly sending them 50 messages a day and calling every night. Slow and steady wins the race here. First, use a simple and fun text message to break the ice. I’ve included a ton of examples of attraction-building messages that are ideal to use at this point in my Ex Factor program, so please sign up if you are stuck and need some ideas on what to say to your ex to make them fall for you again.
To summarize your strategy when it comes to slowly re-building a connection with your ex, which is a bridge to get you to the point where you can meet up in person, It’s all about keeping your ex smiling and having fun. Send a meme or an inside joke via text, then ignore your ex for a couple of days. Then bring up a funny memory you shared together, and let the conversation go back-and-forth a couple of times before you shut it down. Always go slow, be upbeat and positive whenever you’re talking to your ex, and give off the impression that you’re LOVING life and THRIVING since the breakup.
Once you’ve done this for a couple of weeks, you’ll likely be on good terms again, and your ex is going to be receptive when you suggest meeting up for a quick coffee date. I recommend you frame this first meeting as just “grabbing a drink after work for 20 mins to catch up” or “meeting for coffee to see how things are going with the new job.”
Basically make it sound as benign and innocent as possible. Chances are, if you’ve followed my advice properly up until this point, your ex will agree and now you’re almost at the finish line.
The final step is to get your ex to fall for you again. That sounds like an impossible task, perhaps, but it’s really just a matter of flirting like crazy and bringing back the person you were when your ex first fell in love with you. You clearly, back then, had no problem charming your ex and building sexual and emotional attraction.
Remember: getting into dramatic serious talks, arguments, or any negativity is only going to push your ex away and make you less attractive. So be positive and upbeat, make your ex laugh, share some fun times together again and flirt, flirt, flirt. You don’t want to come on too strong if your ex isn’t ready for it yet, but gauge how he or she is responding to your initial flirting and adjust your game accordingly.
Don’t overthink it. Just have fun together, slowly start hanging out more and more, and sooner or later your ex is going to ask you the question you’ve been wanting to hear: “I miss you…. Can we give our relationship another chance? Will you take me back?”