If you’ve broken up with your ex and you still live with them and you’re hoping to get a second chance then you’ve come to the right place.
Before we begin, let me share a couple of facts about this kind of situation.
Fact #1: Living with your ex after breaking up usually complicates things and can make getting back together more difficult.
This is because you won’t have the opportunity to employ a full, proper period of No Contact, because you’ll likely have to see and speak to your ex regularly when you cross paths at home.
As I’ll explain in a moment, there are ways to deal with this, but it does usually make things more challenging.
Fact #2: Although living together after the breakup makes things more complicated, it also offers you a unique opportunity that you wouldn’t have if you didn’t still live with your ex.
While No Contact is a key aspect of getting your ex back in 95% of all breakups, the fact that you will still run into your ex at home allows you the chance to upend their expectations and demonstrate that you’re not needy or heartbroken but rather, you’re still an amazing catch with plenty to offer your ex if they were to change their mind about breaking up.
So, living with your ex after the breakup is both a complication that can make things more challenging but also offers some opportunities that can actually help your cause and help you re-attract your ex.
Here’s how you can leverage this situation to maximize your chances.
No Contact When You Live Together
If you’ve signed up for my best-selling Ex Factor program, then you’ll know that I almost always advocate a period of No Contact after the breakup. I’ve worked with over 100,000 clients in my 13+ years as a breakup coach, and I’ve seen over and over again how effective and critical a period of No Contact is.
If you want your ex back, No Contact is almost always going to be the most important first step you can take. I usually advocate around 30 days of radio silence.
Given your unique situation, you’re probably wondering “can I still use No Contact if we live together? How would that work?”
Well, in short: Yes, you can and should use No Contact to some degree even if you still live with your ex or have to see them daily. It will need to be modified slightly since you’re still going to run into them regularly at home, which is why I call this “Limited No Contact”.
If you still need to see your ex daily for whatever reason, the first and most important thing you need to do is avoid showing your emotions around your ex. The last thing you want to be doing when you’re with your ex is to get emotional, break down in tears, or lash out in anger.
If you are feeling overly emotional, try to get out of the house and hang out at a friend’s while you get through the worst of the initial heartache.
Just do your absolute best to avoid showing any kind of negative emotions when you’re around your ex. Be positive and upbeat, not depressed or upset.
Another thing you MUST avoid is confrontation with your ex. Do NOT let yourself get dragged in to any kind of argument or shouting match with your ex. It might be tempting at times, and your ex might even try to start something, but you definitely want to get out of that kind of situation and avoid any kind of argument or negative interaction.
Similarly, you also want to avoid any kind of “serious discussions” with your ex. Don’t talk about the breakup, your relationship, your future together, and so on.
This is not the time to be having those “serious talks” with your ex. All that will do is remind your ex of the problems in your past relationship and the reasons why they wanted to break up in the first place.
So, those are all things you want to avoid talking with your ex about. But, because you still want to get the benefit of using the No Contact strategy, you’ll ideally want to get out of the house as much as possible, and limit any conversations with your ex to essential topics only during the 30 days or so when you’re engaged in Limited No Contact.
Now, don’t completely change your routine just to avoid running into your ex — that would look suspicious, too — just stay busy and try to avoid being at home with your ex around whenever possible.
Again, keep those essential conversations friendly, non-confrontational, and positive and basically only engage where you need to. It’s also usually wise to avoid making any commitments in regards to moving out or finding a new place to live, if you can do so without angering your ex.
Sometimes, your ex may want to move out of the house quickly, and you should let them do so without putting up a fight. Be positive and supportive if you need to be, and don’t fuss over it if your ex seems insistent.
Upending Your Ex’s Expectations
Remember: after a breakup, your ex is going to expect you to be heartbroken and desperate.
After being dumped, most people get depressed, and make major changes to their life and their daily habits. They’ll lie in bed all day, become cold and distant and negative around their ex, and stop doing things that they used to do with their ex during the relationship.
Again, this is what your ex is expecting from you so, you want to do the opposite, especially when employing No Contact.
Upending your ex’s expected reality by NOT lying in bed all day, by continuing to watch that TV show that you and your ex used to watch together every night, by going out regularly and seeing your friends, continuing with your hobbies, and so on. This is all going to make your ex question their decision to break up, and create some mystery in the back of their mind.
It’s human nature to feel “FOMO” — Fear of Missing Out — and you can capitalize on that by making sure your ex knows that you’re continuing to live a fun, interesting life even when they least expect it.
Along similar lines, you want to use the times you run into your ex at the house to showcase your awesomeness. I know this sounds a bit abstract, but think of it this way: your ex had and has reasons that they no longer want to be together.
Maybe they’ve grown frustrated by certain actions or behaviours you made during your time together. Maybe you became too needy and clingy. Maybe you were overly jealous or controlling. Or maybe you simply drifted apart over time and no longer share much in common.
Or, even more likely, it was a combination of these things that led to your ex deciding that you no longer had a future together as a couple.
What this means is that your ex sees you–thinks of you–in this way. They think of you as that needy, controlling, jealous, distant person that they broke up with. When they think of you, and your potential future together, they see more negatives than positives.
They’ve essentially forgotten about the things that made them fall for you in the first place and they expect you to continue being that person they broke up with.
All of this means one thing: you want to prove them wrong. When you see your ex at home–when you bump into them in the kitchen or whatever–you want to subtly and slowly show them that you’re NOT actually that person they broke up with, but instead you’re still the person they first fell in love with back in your early days together.
You want to demonstrate your positive qualities, avoid making the same mistakes or doing the same things that led to the breakup and their loss of attraction and basically just show them they were wrong about you, and that you can still be an amazing catch that will make them happy and offer a loving, healthy future relationship if they were to give you a second chance.
This is easier to do when it comes to things like neediness or jealousy, obviously. You can simply ensure that you never do those things from now on. When your ex has a friend of the opposite sex over to hang out — well, instead of reacting jealously or cold or resentful about it, you can be super friendly and act like it’s no big deal and that you have no problem with it.
Or as another example, if you suspect that your ex lost attraction for you partly because you had no ambition or drive in life because you dropped out of school, procrastinated taking up fun hobbies or activities, and generally spent too much time lounging on the couch playing video games.
Well, obviously you can show your ex that this isn’t the case by doing the opposite. Sign up for night classes at a local college. Register for that rock climbing course down the street and start going regularly. Make a new friend and invite them over. Plan and book a trip to Thailand next winter.
RELATED: Why Your Ex Sends Mixed Messages
Again, the key here is to make sure you do the opposite of whatever things led to your breakup and your ex’s loss of attraction.
Don’t worry too much about making these changes known to your ex–through the course of small talk when you run into them at home, and when they notice you coming and going, etc–they’ll figure it out on their own, and take notice. And as I mentioned before, this might sound abstract and implausible right now, but I promise that this can be an extremely effective way to change how your ex feels about you and being to make them attracted to you again.
Use Subtle Hints to Create Mystery & Intrigue
We already talked about how living with your ex offers some unique advantages and one of them is the ability to drop subtle hints that will leave your ex wondering what’s going on and what you’re up to. Essentially, you want to create a sense of “mystery” for your ex. You have to be careful not to make this too obvious, because it can backfire if you take this strategy too far or execute it clumsily but it definitely does work when you do it properly.
Basically, what you want to do is make some sort of comment when you’re talking to your ex or when you know they can hear you that hints at a date you’re going on or ‘someone special’ that you’ve met recently.
For example, maybe your ex is standing within earshot when you’re talking to another friend on the phone you might say something like, “thanks for the invite, that sounds awesome, but I’m actually taking my friend Jess to that music festival this weekend… sorry!”.
The key is to avoid giving any more details or making it into a big deal. Just casually and subtly mention something you’re doing with a “new friend” in order to plant the idea in your ex’s mind, and let them spend the rest of the day wondering who this “friend” is and whether it’s a date you’re going on.
Basically just let your ex’s imagination create some jealousy and shift their overall perception of you. Like I said, this is going to also “upend your ex’s expectations” as we already discussed.
RELATED: Signs Your Breakup Is Temporary
This can even work when you’re even more vague. For instance, you could just mention in passing when chatting with your ex that you’ll be “gone next weekend” on a trip with some friends. The less detail you share with your ex, the more they’ll be left wondering what you’re up to and why you wouldn’t share more details or invite them.
You’re tapping into the human “FOMO” instinct, and your ex will often let their mind wander and start wondering if your “big weekend plans” involve an orgy or a party on a private yacht.
Again, the less you tell them and the more vague and casual you are when dropping the hint, the more it’ll make your ex feel like they’re missing out and wonder what you’re up to. Believe it or not, this can really make a huge difference to how your ex thinks about you and how attracted they are to you.
Of course, as I already mentioned, this is a potentially dangerous tactic that can get you into trouble if you’re not careful. Make sure you at least actually have plans to go to a music festival next weekend, for instance, so you don’t get caught trying to incite jealousy or look like an idiot for making something up just because your ex could hear you.
Just generally avoid getting caught lying or exaggerating things by being subtle and nonchalant about it. When you get this right, it can be extremely powerful and really make your ex doubt whether they should’ve let you go after all.
Get A Second Opinion & Expert Advice
Hopefully, the tips I’ve shared today give you a good plan of action to get your ex back into your arms even when you’re still living together but, I realize this type of situation can often get very complicated and confusing, and you might want further guidance to make sure you get things right and win back your ex.