No Contact is a powerful technique that can fundamentally change your ex’s mindset by actually rewiring their brain.
If you’re in the middle of No Contact right now, or you’re thinking about starting a period of No Contact in order to help win back your ex, or even if you’ve already finished, then you need to know how this works.
Rewiring Your Ex’s Brain With No Contact
Let’s talk about how the No Contact strategy taps into your ex’s brain and re-programs their psychology….
#1. No Contact Will Surprise Your Ex
Let’s start with a simple one: when you employ a period of No Contact after breaking up–even if it’s not for a few weeks or even months after the initial breakup–it’s almost always going to be unexpected and surprising for your ex.
They will not be expecting you to simply drop off the face of the earth. I know you may think to yourself, “well Brad, my ex is different”… and it’s true that everyone is different, but in my experience your ex is almost certainly not going to be expecting you to go full No Contact on them.
Why does this matter? Well, it matters because anything you do that your ex is NOT expecting after a breakup is going to cause them to have some doubts and second thoughts. Now, if your breakup was really ugly… if it ended with your ex telling you never to contact them again… the effect will be less than if your breakup was mutual or very friendly and free of drama.
RELATED: When Your Ex Asks For Space
But either way, to some extent, simply by doing the unexpected, your ex WILL be forced to question their decision… they’ll realize that the way they imagined your breakup playing out may not be accurate after all.
Again, this isn’t always going to have a big impact on your chances of getting them back by itself… but any time you can shatter your ex’s expectations and show them a different side of you, it’s going to plant a seed of doubt in the back of their mind and make them less confident about the idea of breaking up.
#2. No Contact Forces Your Ex To Feel The Full Repercussions of Breaking Up
OK, this is a big one. One of the biggest, in fact, in terms of what No Contact does to your ex psychologically. By quickly and completely shutting down all communication with your ex — especially if you engage in No Contact fairly soon after the breakup — you’re essentially giving your ex the cold turkey shock treatment.
They’re forced to experience the full impact of breaking up suddenly and completely, without any time to slowly learn to live without you. They probably knew that breaking up meant you were going to be around less often and slowly fade out of their day-to-day routine, but most people don’t imagine a breakup being immediate and total.
I can’t understate how big of an impact this can have on your ex’s emotions and overall attitude towards breaking up. By dropping off their radar entirely, by being inaccessible and ensuring you’re not around to slowly fade out of their life as they get used to seeing and talking to you less and less often…. You’re hitting them with an emotional bombshell they probably weren’t expecting.
If this sounds harsh and almost cruel…. I guess it is to some degree. It is basically like forcing your ex to experience the worst possible post-breakup emotions and heartache. But if your ex dumped you–or even if it was mutual–it’s not unreasonable to shut down communication with them for a while.
No-one can reasonably expect their ex to act like nothing’s changed after a breakup, and it’s not unfair to go cold turkey on your ex by engaging in No Contact even though it will be more painful for your ex than if you continue to talk with them regularly.
And quite frankly, this is the point: going No Contact will cause your ex maximum post-breakup heartache. It will be harder for them than if you hang around and continue to be their friend, text them constantly, or allow yourself to remain a big part of their life.
If you want your ex back… if you’re serious about ensuring you get a second chance with this person… then you need to use No Contact to give your ex this kind of cold turkey, maximum heartache breakup experience.
Again, as cruel as it sounds, this is going to ensure your ex misses you like crazy… it ensures you won’t fall into the Friend Zone trap or hang around as your ex’s “backup plan” while they test out the single life… and basically, it’s the only truly effective way to ensure your ex has a tough time dealing with the breakup.
#3. No Contact Ensures You Don’t Screw Up
Now, let’s change direction a bit here, because there’s another way No Contact will affect your ex psychologically: it will prevent you from saying or doing something in the heat of the moment that you’ll regret or that will hurt your chances of getting them back.
You might say that this isn’t really affecting your ex’s brain or how they feel about your breakup… but it does. Because in my 13 years of experience as a break up coach, and I’ve worked with over 130,000 clients in situations just like yours during that time, I’ve seen how often people unknowingly say or do something that destroys their chances without even realizing it.
So by employing No Contact, you give yourself a period of time to cool off, think things through, formulate a plan, and generally ensure you never make a mistake that will cause your ex to further lose attraction for you or further cement their belief that breaking up was the right choice.
In other words, by not letting yourself accidentally say something that will ruin your shot, you’re ensuring you don’t further damage your ex’s opinion of you or give them any reasons to believe they’ve definitely made the right choice.
#4. No Contact Creates Mystery and Intrigue
OK, moving on to another way No Contact can re-wire your ex’s brain… and that’s by creating mystery and leaving them wondering. This is basically as simple as it sounds: by not talking to your ex, they’ll have no idea what you’re up to or why you’ve gone quiet all of a sudden.
Even if you have to break No Contact for some reason, as long as you don’t get into any meaningful discussions with your ex during the No Contact phase, they’re going to quickly start wondering what’s up with you.
RELATED: Does My Ex Want Me To Contact Them?
Anyway, back to the topic of mystery and intrigue…. This is, as I said, something that No Contact fosters in the back of your ex’s mind. Within a few days of not hearing from you, it’s almost certain they’ll start to wonder what’s going on with you and what you’re up to. Usually by the halfway point of your No Contact period–a couple of weeks after you start–they’ll begin to formulate possible explanations as to what you’re up to in their mind.
They’ll quickly start fearing the worst: is my ex already seeing someone new? Did they not love me as much as I had thought? What if they’ve already moved on, even though I’m still sitting here trying to get over them…?
…And most importantly, they’ll start to worry that they’ll soon lose you for good. Your ex may be an intelligent, rationale person and tell themselves not to fear the worst… but most people can’t help but worry, and can’t help but feel a sense of urgency and panic not knowing why you’ve dropped off their radar and what you’ve been up to.
Trust me, this kind of urgency and worry is IDEAL if you want to get them back… and in a lot of cases, it can lead your ex to change their mind and ask for you back on its own.
The fear of potentially losing you for good–before they’ve had a chance to come to grips with life without you, or before they’re ready to commit to a permanent breakup–is a HUGE factor in getting them to re-think the breakup and take you back.
Even if your ex is particularly strong-willed and doesn’t cave in to the sense of urgency, No Contact will still lead them to wonder what you’re up to and how you’ve managed to just disappear.
It’ll force them to think of worst-case scenarios where you’re already dating someone new, and it’ll put you at the top of their mind for large parts of their day.
The more your ex is thinking about you, wondering what’s going on with you, and wishing they knew how you were feeling, the better it is for your chances of getting them back.
#5. No Contact Gives You Time To Do Interesting Stuff
The time you spend apart from your ex during No Contact is CRITICAL to how things go with your ex once you start re-connecting with them again.
You must use No Contact productively. You can’t just spend the full month ignoring your ex and sitting at home on your couch counting down the days… you need to find it within yourself to use the time to be productive, bolster your social life, work towards your life goals, and just generally do fun and interesting stuff.
How can this help re-wire your ex’s brain and make them want you back? Well, once you start talking to your ex again after No Contact… or even if they hear about it through mutual friends or your social media posts…. Being busy, social, and productive is going to give you plenty of things to talk about with your ex.
It’s going to make you appear like you’re thriving… like the breakup hasn’t really affected you — or better yet, has been a kick in the butt that led you to do things you’d been planning on for some time. In other words, you’ll have plenty of cool stuff to tell your ex about… you’ll sound like you’ve been busy living an awesome life while you were in No Contact…. And you’ll appear confident and successful, which is usually the opposite of what your ex will be expecting.
I could keep going about why No Contact can help you change your ex’s mind AFTER the 30 days are up… but I’ll leave it there for now. Just remember that what you do during No Contact can greatly affect how your ex perceives you after it ends. And this of course is another way it helps you end up back together.
Now, let’s move on to the final way that No Contact affects your ex psychologically…
#6. No Contact Makes Your Ex Miss You Like Crazy
Of the six things I’ve covered, this final one is the most important and the most impactful when it comes to getting your ex back. NOTHING — and I really mean that, in a literal sense — NOTHING will make your ex miss you more than disappear from their life entirely for a month or so.
A lot of people worry that No Contact will give their ex time to move on… time to get over them… and I totally understand that concern. It makes sense, at least on the surface. But this is a completely backwards way of thinking about things. Instead, you should be asking yourself…. “What can I do in 30 days to make my ex miss me and think about me MORE than disappearing?”
If you think about it that way, you’ll realize that No Contact is by far the best way to make your ex wish you were still around…. To make them think about you, long for you, and focus on the positive things you brought to their life when you were still together.
After all, if you suddenly and unexpectedly lose something or someone from your life… if I suddenly took away your iPhone, or your laptop, or your TV…. something you take for granted and use every day… you’re going to miss it a lot more than if it slowly and gradually faded from your daily life, right?
Same goes for your ex. You can’t do anything more to make them miss you than to simply vanish from their life, as suddenly and completely as reasonably possible.
In my decades of experience as a breakup coach, I’ve seen this THOUSANDS of times… one of my clients employs a period of No Contact, and within weeks or even days, their ex does a 180º turn in their attitude… the sudden loss they feel as a result of No Contact makes them miss their ex so badly they cave in and beg for another chance.
Will this happen for you? I can’t guarantee it, but it’s definitely a possibility… at least, if your situation isn’t too dire and you handle things correctly. Regardless of what happens, engaging in No Contact will ensure you are making your ex miss you as much as humanly possible.
And not only that, but it also taps into another aspect of human psychology: our hard-wired tendency to forget and let go of negative memories and focus on happy, nostalgic ones. The longer you’re apart during No Contact, the more likely it is they’ll forget about your flaws and the reasons they wanted to break up… the more they’ll focus on the best parts of your relationship and your character… and they’ll become nostalgic.
By the end of your period of No Contact, they’ll probably care far far less about their original “reasons” for the breakup… they’ll forget about many of the little things you did or the problems that plagued your old relationship… and instead be thinking about all the good stuff you brought to their life, wishing they could have that back again.