Do you ever get the feeling that your ex wants you to reach out to them?
Maybe they posted some sad song lyrics on Instagram. Maybe they liked a couple of your photos. Or maybe it’s just a feeling in your gut.
Today, I’m going to tell you how to know FOR SURE that they want you to reach out and exactly what you need to do about it.
So let’s dive in. Does your ex want you to reach out to them? Now, obviously I can’t be 100% here but I can say that in most, if not all situations the answer is YES they do. Your ex DOES want you to contact them.
BUT just because they want you to, that doesn’t mean that you SHOULD reach out to them. In fact, in most cases, you actually should NOT reach out to your ex, regardless of the hints they’re dropping. Let me explain.
Here’s Why Your Ex Wants You To Reach Out
Let’s talk about WHY your ex wants you to reach out to them…
First, they’re sad and upset after the breakup and they’d take any kind of consolation at this point. Put more bluntly: your ex wants you to reach out to them because it would stroke their ego.
Second, they feel guilty for ending things and they want you to reach out to them to remove their guilt and make them feel okay.
Third, it always feels good to be pursued–even by an ex, even if you don’t want them back–because it makes you feel desirable
The fact that they want you to contact them DOESN’T mean that they actually want you back or that contacting them right now will improve your chances in any meaningful way. In fact, it’s more likely to actually HURT your chances at this point.
This is a surprise to a lot of people, but in my experience, it’s the truth. While I’m sure you’d do whatever you could to make your ex feel better–after all, this is someone you care about–it’s actually in your best interests that they feel AS BAD AS POSSIBLE after the breakup.
Because the worse they feel, the more quickly they’re going to realize that breaking up with you was the wrong decision.
But if that’s the case, then how can you tell if you actually DO have a shot with your ex? Well my best advice for you is to take my free quiz. It just takes five minutes, it’s totally confidential and it will give you a better sense of your chances than you have right now. Take my quiz and you’ll receive a score out of 100 of how likely it is that your ex wants you back. This number will determine what strategy is going to be best for you moving forward so it’s ESSENTIAL if you want your ex back.
What Your Ex Is Feeling After A Breakup
Now, I know that you’re hurting right now. But, and I hate to even say this, but chances are your ex is feeling even worse and more confused than you are. Here’s some of what your ex is feeling after a breakup:
- A slight sense of relief that the relationship is over
- Sadness that they couldn’t make the relationship work
- Guilt for hurting you
- Shame for running from their problems instead of facing them head on
- Uncertainty–they’re worried they made the wrong choice
- Fear that they’re going to be alone forever
- An overwhelming sense of loss
Now is it any wonder that they’re confused by all this? Reaching out to them right now would help reassure them and calm them down. But these feelings are actually your KEY to winning your ex back. They may miss you a lot right now but they could miss you even more. And they will, after 30 days of No Contact.
If you’ve seen any of my videos in the past, you know all about No Contact.
In essence, No Contact is a period of at least 30 days following your breakup when you don’t contact your ex in any way. You focus on yourself, your goals, and living your best life. For most people, this can feel like an eternity. But there’s a reason it takes a full 30 days:
It’s approximately 30 days after the breakup that your ex’s feelings of missing you will hit their peak. At the same time, it takes around 30 days for the negativity of the breakup to fade from their mind. It’s these two factors that make the 30 day mark the perfect time for you to reach out to them.
That’s when they’ll feel like they’ve made a mistake. That’s when they’ll be afraid that they’re going to lose you forever. And that’s when they’ll be motivated to take you back.
RELATED: 6 Rules For Texting Your Ex Back
Yes, No Contact accomplishes all that and even more. It’s amazing how simply by ignoring your ex and moving on with your life that you can completely reshape their mindset around the breakup. We always want what we can’t have, right?
So basically your ex does want you to contact them right now. They might even be desperate, checking their phone, hoping that you’ll reach them out to them, just to hear your voice for even one second.
And I’m guessing you feel the exact same way. You’re both hurting, you’re both in pain and I’m sure you’re both pretty upset over how things went down. Keeping all that in mind, that STILL doesn’t mean that reaching out to them right now is a good idea.
Because, as I’ve said, they’ll want you back EVEN MORE if you maintain No Contact for the full 30 days.
Signs Your Ex Is Dropping Hints
But what if your ex is dropping hints? Does this change anything? When clients come to me with this problem, they usually point to the following signs:
- Their ex likes their photo or comments on their post social media.
- Their ex drops their name with mutual friends, asking about them and what they’re up to.
- Their ex posts a picture of a place they used to go together.
- Their ex posts the lyrics to “their song”.
And again, you might be surprised by my response. Because the truth is, these ARE signs that your ex is thinking about you and probably DOES want you to reach out to them.
But that’s still not the right move for you at this moment. If it hasn’t yet been 30 days of No Contact then reaching out to them is a bad idea.
Even though it will offer some short term positive feelings for both you and your ex, in the long run, it won’t make your reconciliation any more likely for all the reasons I’ve talked about up to this point.
Your relationship is no longer equal
It’s about the DYNAMIC you’ve created with your ex.
When your ex decided to break up with you, it created a new dynamic that is now dominating your relationship. You’re now the person who got dumped, and they are now the dumper, the person who rejected you. The power has shifted from being mostly equal–give or take–to completely one-sided. Your ex has taken ALL the power by dumping you.
This dynamic is something that you haven’t seen in action yet because chances are you haven’t spent a lot of time with your ex since your breakup, but it’s there and it’s profoundly influencing how they see you and how you see them.
So if you were to reach out to your ex right now, you’d be playing into this dynamic. You’ve been rejected and now you’re the one pursuing them, giving them even more power and even more of your desire and your love and getting nothing in return.
This will just emphasize this dynamic further and make them even more certain that THEY’RE the one who is desirable and YOU’RE the one who is not. I know this sounds harsh, and it is, but it’s all happening at a subconscious level that neither of you are even aware of.
That’s why you need to be strong right now. Because they need to know that dropping hints isn’t going to be enough. If you ignore their hints, you’ll begin to shift this dynamic back in your favour.
And, as always, the best way to do that is through a period of No Contact for 30 days following the breakup. Maintain radio silence, work on yourself, read my Ex Factor Guide over at BradBrowning.com, and before you know it, your ex will be the one reaching out to you to give things another shot.
If you struggle with No Contact, you’re probably feeling unmotivated. You’re afraid that after a few more days of this you just might crack and reach out to your ex, regardless of your good intentions. I have an alternative for you. Sign up for my email coaching service instead. I offer one-on-one, customized advice to help you through every aspect of No Contact. Once you sign up I’ll be able to help you out, and reassure you that you’re on the right track, and talk strategy when you need it. Many of my clients find this support invaluable and that’s why they keep on coming to me for help when everything seems hopeless.
Why Ignoring Your Ex IS The Right Move
In that same vein, a lot of my clients say they’re afraid to ignore their ex’s hints.
They’re worried that this is their only chance with their ex. I think the truth is actually the opposite. It’s actually BY ignoring these hints that you’re going to make your ex feel a deep and profound fear.
When they see that their little bread crumbs don’t make you suddenly call them or text them, hoping to reconcile, they’ll be afraid that THEY missed THEIR chance with you.
They’ll be afraid that they’ve lost their chance with you forever. And it’s this powerful feeling of loss and defeat that is going to help bring that equality back into the relationship and eventually make THEM pursue you and try to win you back.
When To Take The Hint And Reach Out
That said, there is a very specific situation where you should take your ex’s hints and reach out to them. This is if they start dropping hints and you’re already basically at the end of your No Contact period.
But I would also say that this is the time to contact your ex REGARDLESS, so the fact that they’re dropping some hints doesn’t really change my advice here, it just means that, perhaps, your ex is going to be more receptive to your advances.
Say it’s been 28 days, or 35 days and your ex suddenly likes a couple of your photos on Instagram. This is a great indicator that now is the time to reach out and begin the re-attraction process.
It’s always best practices to wait a few hours, or even a full day, between them dropping a hint and you sending that first text. You don’t want it to seem like you immediately rushed to contact them because this can be a turnoff.
So just play it cool. My best advice when it comes to this first message is to have a good, solid reason to be reaching out to them if you want to get back together.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT just say “hey” or “what’s up” or “I miss you.” Texts like this don’t make any sort of impression and there’s a pretty good chance that your ex will just ignore them. Instead, think of a good reason to contact them, whether it be to ask for some information, or even to ask for a favour.
I always recommend including a question in your message because this gives them something to respond to. Of course, if your ex is already pining for you to reach out then this isn’t quite as important, but it’s better to be safe than risk scaring them off if they’re not quite sold on the idea of taking you back just yet.
- Your ex most likely DOES want you to contact him or her but not because they want you back.
- They really are just looking for some kind of relief for the bad feelings they have right now.
- That’s why you need to IGNORE these hints and stay strong, maintaining No Contact for at least 30 days.
- This period maximizes your chances with your ex in the future. And if you need support, don’t be afraid to sign up for my email coaching and I’ll help you get through this difficult time.