Whether you just want them to stop taking you for granted or you want a second chance with your ex, making them miss you is a great first step.
There are several reasons that an ex will miss you after a breakup but that’s not the whole story.
In this article, I’ll cover the following topics
- Why you need your ex to miss you in order to have any chance of getting them back
- What common mistakes most people make that prevent their ex from missing them
- What generally will make your ex start to miss you
- What messages you can send to your ex to help them miss you even more
- The most common signs that indicate your ex is missing you
These are the most important factors to keep in mind when you try to answer the question “what makes my ex miss me?” So, let’s get started.
Why Your Ex MUST Miss You In Order To Get Back Together
To begin with, I want to share a very important fact with you. This is an unavoidable fact, and it’s also one that most people don’t realize: in order to ever really truly get back with your ex, in order for you to have any kind of meaningful long-term future together as a couple, your ex needs to want to be with you again.
It has to be THEIR choice, and a decision that they feel as though they’ve made on their own. You can’t talk them into loving you again, or taking you back… that is a decision only your ex can make, for themselves.
What you CAN do, though, is help your ex come to that kind of conclusion. You can ensure you’re doing everything in your power to lead them to a decision that breaking up was a mistake, and that they should ask you for another chance.
There are a couple of things you can do to shift your ex’s feelings in that direction and help them reach that point, but by far the biggest one is to make them miss you like crazy.
Think about it this way — if your ex is desperately missing you, that’s going to be an all-consuming emotion. It’s hard to think about anything else when you miss someone like mad, because it’s a very powerful emotion that you can’t just ignore.
If you’ve ever been separated from a loved one for a long period of time or had someone close to you pass away, you know the feeling.
But unlike when a close family member dies, your ex has a simple way to overcome those emotions and end the heartache they’re feeling when they miss you desperately… they can ask you to get back together. That’s the only easy, quick way for your ex to stop the pain.
If they DON’T miss you, it’s extremely unlikely they’re going to change their mind about breaking up.
Think of it this way
Why would they want to take you back if they’re doing fine without you?
Why would they feel any kind of urgency or pressure to agree to give your relationship another shot?
It’s those feelings of missing you that will lead them to decide they need you back. So, like I said, making them miss you is critical.
Mistakes To Avoid If You Want Your Ex To Miss You
If you’re going to take just one key lesson, it should probably be this one, so please pay close attention.
There are 1 or 2 critical mistakes that MOST people make in your situation without even realizing it… and these are mistakes that destroy your chance of ever getting back together.
So, you really MUST avoid making these mistakes if you want to ensure you give yourself the best possible shot at winning back your ex.
Mistake #1: Showing Desperation or Neediness
If you want your ex to miss you and want you back, you need to avoid looking overly emotional, desperate, or clingy.
You really want to be acting as though you’re actually not that upset about the breakup, and you’re not particularly bothered by the idea of going your separate ways.
That means you don’t want to be posting sad quotes or lyrics on your social media, or telling your ex how badly you want them back, or writing them love notes promising to change or do things differently if they’ll just give you another chance.
Simply put, these are unattractive traits that will confirm for your ex that breaking up was the right choice.
They’ll feel like they can continue to enjoy being single, continue dating around and seeing if they can find someone new to replace you, and they’ll feel no urgency at all… they know you’ll be waiting for them, and eager to take them back, any time they want.
This gives them plenty of time to slowly adapt to life without you, and doesn’t let them feel the full consequences of breaking up.
Mistake #2: NOT Using The No Contact Strategy
There’s a very common misconception most people have when it comes to the famous “No Contact” strategy… and that’s the idea that your ex might forget about you or slip away during the period of No Contact.
This is an understandable and very natural thought process: after all, if you don’t talk or interact with your ex at all for weeks or even months, it feels like you’re doing nothing to win them back. It feels like you’re letting any chance to change their mind slip away by sitting back and taking a passive approach to the situation. That can be a very scary feeling.
BUT… this is actually a completely backwards way of thinking about things. In reality, No Contact is the BEST way to make your ex miss you and want you back. As we’ve already discussed, your ex really NEEDS to miss you in order to change their mind and decide they want to give your relationship another chance.
And if you’re constantly talking and engaging with your ex, how are they going to miss you? You can’t miss someone who’s always around. The more you’re willing to be part of your ex’s life after the breakup, the less they’re going to miss you. It’s as simple as that.
This is why No Contact is critical in 99% of breakups. If you want to maximize your ex’s heartache and ensure they really feel the pain of suddenly losing you completely, you need to vanish from their daily life as much as humanly possible, and No Contact is designed to do exactly that.
So while it may feel like your chances are slipping away during the period of No Contact, you’re actually doing the BEST thing you can do in order to maximize the pain for your ex and ensure they feel the full consequences of the breakup.
What DOES Make Your Ex Miss You?
Chances are you’re already benefiting from several of these already without even knowing, but if you can properly harness all four then you’re going to have the best chance of making your ex miss you.
#1 – Your Absence
Well, as I’ve just explained, the single biggest thing that will make an ex miss you is your own absence. Disappearing from their life as much as possible, and as soon as possible after the initial breakup, is by far the single most effective way to make your ex miss you like crazy.
Every time you talk to your ex, hang out with them, and give them what they need to quash those feelings of missing you — you’re helping them stop missing you. Slowly, over time, they’ll learn to live without you and your window of opportunity to get them back will begin to close.
So the more you can vanish from their life immediately, the more intense their heartache will be and the more you’re going to increase the chances they change their mind about breaking up.
I like to use your smartphone as a good example to illustrate this. Most of you are probably reading this on a phone, and you probably use that phone constantly throughout your day.
You use it to contact your friends and family, check the time, browse the internet, watch YouTube videos. It’s a very important object in your daily life, and you use it all the time. So, losing your phone is going to really suck, right?
If I suddenly snatched the phone out of your hand and told you that you can’t have it back, you’re going to be pissed, and you’re really going to missing having it around.
You’ll have to find a new way to contact your friends, set your alarm clock in the morning, browse Instagram, etc… it’s going to be a big adjustment, especially at first, and it’s not going to be fun.
But what if I just told you that you can’t use your phone for an hour today, and then 2 hours tomorrow, and then 3 hours the next day, and so on… you’d have a lot more time to adjust to living without a phone.
You’d be able to write down your friend’s phone numbers, buy an alarm clock, print off the train schedule, etc… it’s just going to be way easier to prepare yourself to live without a phone if I take it away from you slowly over the course of several weeks.
By slowly weaning your dependency on a smartphone as you get less and less time with it each day, it makes the whole thing easier and less painful. You’ll miss having that phone around a lot less if it happens gradually than if it happens suddenly.
The situation for your ex is very similar. You were an important part of their life when you were still together… chances are you spent a lot of your day talking or being with one another, you had routines and habits that were comfortable for both of you, and your ex came to really depend on having you around for support, affection, and companionship.
So for your ex, it’s going to be far more emotionally painful and more ‘shocking’ if they lose all of those benefits overnight.
They’ll have to suddenly face life without your companionship and support… they’ll have to learn to go to bed without saying goodnight to you, find someone else to vent their frustrations to, and build new routines to replace the ones you had become accustomed to during your relationship. Simply put, it’s a big change to your ex’s life.
But if you continue to talk with your ex all the time after breaking up… if you allow yourself to continue being their emotional outlet, their confidant, the person they can text or call any time they’re lonely… they’re going to have time to adjust.
The emotions won’t be nearly as intense or shocking as they would be if you suddenly vanished from their life entirely, and that will — as we’ve already discussed — give them time to slowly adapt and learn to live without you. They won’t miss you nearly as much as they would if you immediately and completely disappear after the breakup.
#2 – Reminders of Things They’ve Lost
Now, I think I’ve explained very clearly why No Contact and disappearing from your ex’s life as much as possible is critical to making them miss you. But there are a few other things that also make an ex miss you… and let’s start with reminders of the positive aspects of you and your relationship.
If your ex is regularly reminded of your best traits and the best parts of your old relationship, they’ll feel nostalgic and they’ll long to have those things back.
So for example, if you’re funny and could often make your ex laugh… they’re going to miss those jokes, and any reminder of your sense of humour will bring those feelings to the surface. They’ll remember how you could always make them laugh, and wish that you were still around now to crack a joke and make them smile.
Similarly, maybe you were really supportive of their school work or their budding career at work… you let them vent your frustrations after a long day of classes or at the office, and looked to you for encouragement and support.
If you remind them how helpful you were in that way when you were still together… if they wished you were still around to provide that support and encouragement… they’ll focus on the fact they’ve lost that since breaking up.
Or as a final example, maybe you and your ex shared a lot of adventures together… you traveled every weekend, went camping and hiking, backpacked around Europe, and so on.
Now, their travel companion is gone, and so any reminder of those happy times you shared and the adventures you went on together is going to bring back a flood of nostalgic memories, and cause them to long for a travel partner like that again to share their future adventures with.
#3 – Forgetting About Negative Aspects / Memories
Another thing that makes your ex miss you is their own memory… or lack thereof. If your ex has time to let go of some of the most negative memories and feelings towards you and your past relationship… or if they start to focus less on those things and instead think more about the happier, positive parts of you and your time together… that’s going to make them miss you.
This can also include your ex internally downplaying the logical ‘reasons’ for the breakup that they used to justify it in their mind. For example, maybe you live quite far apart and they always hated the long drive to see one another.
Now, if they begin to let go of those memories and fixate less on how annoying that drive was… if they start to tell themselves that it really wasn’t that bad having to drive an hour each way to hang out with you… that’s going to make them wish you were around and miss you.
Now, for the most part this isn’t something you can really control, other than to give your ex time and space to start forgetting about the negatives and downsides to your relationship.
This will happen on its own over time, at least as long as you don’t remind them of any old problems or ‘reasons’ for breaking up by mentioning them or doing those same things again to bring them back to the top of their mind.
Studies have shown that humans are wired to forget about sad, painful or negative memories more quickly than happy ones, and that often peaks around 30 days after a breakup.
#4 – Jealousy
This final one is a bit different, but it does also make your ex miss you in a way. If your ex feels jealous — be that because they find out you’re dating someone new, you’ve been hanging out with mutual friends without them, or even because they see you’re doing fun, exciting stuff and living life to the fullest — it’s going to make them feel like they’re missing out.
While FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) isn’t exactly the same kind of “missing you” as the previous ones we’ve discussed, it does still create the same emotions in your ex’s mind.
So the more you can live it up after the breakup… the more dates you go on, the more new friends you make, and the more you succeed in school, work, or life generally… the more they’ll feeling that FOMO and wish you were still around or still part of their life.
Now, a quick warning here: Be careful trying to incite jealousy. It’s a very effective strategy when you use it properly, but most people don’t, and that often backfires in a bad way.
As I said, jealousy can be super effective if used correctly, and super dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing. So before you start trying to make your ex jealous, watch my free video to at least get some background info on when and how to incite jealousy.
Messages To Send Your Ex To Make Them Miss You
Now, I want to share just a couple of example text messages that you can send to your ex — if the time is right, of course, and you’ve already completed No Contact — to help them miss you even more than they already do.
Message #1: The Good Reminder Text
Basically, the Good Reminder text does exactly what it sounds like — it reminds your ex of a good time. To start, think of something you and your ex shared together – be it a song, place, movie or special day.
Next come up with a message that will make him or her recall that memory in detail.
For instance, let’s say that there’s a song you used to listen to together, you can send something like:
Hey, I heard our song on the radio today and it reminded me of that time we spent the weekend camping together under the stars. That was the most incredible weekend, take me back! Anyway, hope all is well with you!!
Or, if you used to watch a certain TV show together, then you can blast off a text about the latest episode, or a catchphrase from it that you both enjoyed. Make these texts your own, obviously… just remember, the more detailed you can be, the more effective the text will be.
And I promise that when you think of a good idea for this kind of message, it won’t sound nearly as cheesy or out-of-character as these messages do.
Message #2: The Mystery Question Text
The “Mystery Question” message is one of my absolute favorites, for two reasons: first, it’s pretty hard to screw this one up, so it usually has a very low chance of backfiring on you. Secondly, it’s very effective in making your ex curious and a bit jealous at the same time… without them even realizing your true intentions.
All this type of message involves is asking your ex a seemingly legitimate question that they’re likely going to know the answer to, while simultaneously referencing a mysterious unknown friend. For example, you could say….
Hey, do you remember the name of that Thai restaurant we went to for your staff party last year? A friend from out of town is visiting this weekend and I really want to take her there!
See what I mean? You’re asking a legitimate, reasonable question — what’s the name of that restaurant? — while also subtly hinting that you’re taking a mysterious new friend there. That’s going to generate a reply, and likely get your ex wondering who this “out of town friend” is.
It’s best if the ‘friend’ is a real person, not just made up… and it’s best if they’re of the opposite sex. Don’t give your ex any more details about this person other than to mention them as “a friend”, to ensure your ex wonders who they are and what your relationship about this person is.
Another example might be something like:
Hey! I’m helping a friend decorate his new apartment this weekend… can you recommend your favorite furniture store in town?
Again, it’s simple and innocuous sounding, right? All you need to do in order to use this text message to your advantage is think up a good, legitimate question to ask your ex. That’s why it’s one of the easiest and most effective messages you can send.
Message #3: Reference An Inside Joke, or Just Make Your Ex Smile
Any kind of message that either references a shared inside joke that only your ex will understand — something from your time together that they won’t have forgotten about — is a good way to remind them of the special, unique bond you shared when you were still a couple.
And honestly, any message that is pretty much guaranteed to make your ex crack a smile or laugh when they read it is also going to help them miss having you around.
Don’t force it or try to act out of character, but if you can come up with something you know your ex will smile at, then it’s probably a good message that’s going to help induce those feelings of missing you.
Common Signs That Indicate Your Ex Is Missing You
It’s likely that your ex already misses you to some extent, even if you haven’t done anything I’ve already covered so far. But there are some key signs to look for that show you’re making progress and clearly indicate they miss you…
Sign #1 – They Initiate Contact.
If your ex is reaching out on their own initiative, and especially if they’re doing so frequently and for no real apparent reason other than to talk to you or see what you’re up to, then they clearly miss you and long to catch up and hear from you.
The more often they contact you, the stronger of a sign this is.
Sign #2 – They Want To “Stay Friends”.
If your ex has suggested that you should remain friends after breaking up, it means they can’t stomach the idea of losing you entirely.
They want to keep you around to help alleviate some of the heartache and loneliness they’re feeling, and they know — even on a subconscious level — that keeping a friendship alive is a good way to slowly let go of you and adapt to life without you.
If they seem to be really insistent on this idea, and get offended when you decline and suggest that it’s probably not a good idea, the more likely it is they’re conflicted about breaking up and they’re very worried about how much they’ll miss you if you disappear from their life entirely.
Don’t do this, by the way. If you want them back, don’t let yourself fall into the friend zone.
Sign #3 – They’re Emotional.
The more your ex appears to be struggling with the breakup, the more they’re hurting and missing you. It’s that simple.
So if you hear from mutual friends that your ex is completely heartbroken and barely functioning, or if their social media posts are nothing but an endless series of sad quotes or lyrics, it means they miss you and are having trouble adapting to the post-breakup reality now that you’re gone.
Sign #4 – They Get Jealous.
This one is extremely simple: an ex that doesn’t care whether you’re dating someone new, or who doesn’t get curious when you mention your “new friend” of the opposite sex, probably doesn’t really miss you much.
If you can tell they’re jealous, really for any reason at all, there’s a good chance this means they do miss you.
Sign #5 – They Tell You They Miss You.
Wow, there’s a shocker… if your ex explicitly says that they miss you, then they’re almost certainly telling the truth.
There’s plenty of reason for optimism if your ex does say this to you outright, and especially if they say it more than once, but don’t jump the gun and take this as a cue to start spamming them or gushing your heart out telling them how much you miss them too.
Play it cool, act like you don’t really care they miss you, and let them wonder why you didn’t respond with something similar.
I have one more suggestion that you really should take to heart… find out where you stand with your ex currently and what your chances of ever getting them back really are.