If you’ve been dumped recently you’re probably asking:
“What will make my ex change their mind about breaking up?”
“What can you do or say that will help convince your ex that breaking up was the wrong choice?”
“What factors typically have an impact on their feelings about the potential of getting back together?”
Well, there are a number of things that tend to shift your ex’s opinion on the breakup, and often make them decide to take you back.
#1: Missing You
Now, this one might seem obvious at first… you’re thinking, “well obviously if my ex misses me, they’re more likely to want me back, right?”
And yes, that’s exactly true… but the problem here is that most people don’t realize how much their own actions can control how much their ex misses them (or not).
Because really, when you thinkin about it, there’s only one thing that can make your ex miss you… and that is your absence from their life. The more absent you are from your ex’s daily life… and the sooner you build that distance after breaking up… the more intense and powerful their feelings of missing you are going to feel.
This means that every time you contact your ex after breaking up… every time you respond to their text, answer their call, or see them in person… you’re actively reducing how much they’re going to miss you. After all, it makes sense, right?
The more you vanish from your ex’s life, the less they get to see you or talk to you, and the more they’re going to feel the the sudden void that creates.
So it’s absolutely critical that your ex misses you if you want them back and while simply reducing how much you see or talk to your ex can help them miss you, completely disappearing from their life entirely–as soon as possible after the initial breakup–the more they’re going to miss you.
That means that if you really want your ex to miss you the less you can be a part of their life.
This is one of the core benefits to applying a period of No Contact. By engaging in a month of No Contact as soon as you can after the breakup, you’re treating your ex to the “cold turkey” breakup experience and ensuring that you maximize those feelings of missing you.
#2: Feelings of FOMO
As we just discussed, making your ex miss you is a key factor in getting them to regret breaking up but another thing that will help change their mind is FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out.
In other words, if you can make your ex feel like they’re being left out of the fun and interesting things you’re doing after the breakup, you’re going to make them second guess whether they made the right choice ending your relationship.
Now I know this might sound a bit lame on the surface, but I promise you that inciting a bit of FOMO in the back of your ex’s mind can actually be extremely effective in making them reconsider the breakup… especially if you combine this with the other tactics I’ll be covering, including No Contact. Never underestimate the power of FOMO on the human psyche, because I’ve seen it’s effectiveness time and time again with my coaching clients.
How do you make your ex feel FOMO? Well, the easiest and usually the safest way is by leveraging your social media to post about the cool or interesting or fun things you’re up to.
If you’re planning on going camping in the backcountry next weekend with some friends, be sure to post some amazing photos of the weekend on your Instagram or Facebook when you get home…. Tag your other friends in the photos, subtly mention how amazing the weekend was, and make sure it looks like you and everyone there had a blast.
When your ex sees this kind of post, they won’t be able to help but feel a bit of FOMO, even if they’d never admit it to themselves. The more you do this — and the more amazing the experiences you’re sharing on social media or with the world in general — the more effective this will be in causing your ex to have second thoughts about letting you walk out of their life.
Beyond social media, you can also leverage FOMO by talking up your fun and exciting post-breakup life with mutual friends who are likely to share the news with your ex… or even, if you’ve already finished a period of No Contact and you’re back talking with your ex occasionally again, you can tell them a story about something awesome you’ve done recently and really talk up how amazing it was.
It’s important that you never go overboard with this FOMO tactic… it’s really effective when used correctly — in fact, I guarantee you it’s more powerful than you’re thinking right now — but it does also have the potential to backfire if you go over-the-top with your social media posts or do it in an obvious way.
You need to be subtle and act natural, ensuring that none of your posts or the stories you tell your ex or your mutual friends are too exaggerated or extravagant to be believable.
So, do use FOMO whenever you can, because it will help change your ex’s mind about breaking up… but do it carefully and subtly, without being out of character or obvious about it.
#3: Unrealistic Expectations
Now, this one is unfortunately not something you have a ton of control over, outside of employing a period of No Contact like we already discussed.
You see, a lot of people have a very unrealistic expectation about what their life will be like after breaking up. Maybe it’s because they’ve watched too many rom coms, maybe it’s because they simply haven’t been single for a long time, or maybe they just underestimated how much of a positive impact you made on their life when you were still together… either way, this is a great thing for your odds of getting them back.
Basically, if your ex did have an unrealistic idea of what things would be like after breaking up… if they thought they could keep you around as their backup plan, or as a ‘friend’, or even in a friends-with-benefits type situation… or if they thought they would absolutely love being single and all the freedom that brought them…
…when your ex realizes that the reality of the situation is a lot different from what they expected, that’s going to be very difficult for them to accept.
If, for example, they thought that being single meant they’d spend every night of the week at the bar, meeting new people and enjoying some one-night-stands… and that doesn’t turn out to be what happens after the breakup, and instead they’re going home from the bar alone every night, or their friends don’t want to join them and they end up sitting at home alone sometimes…. This is going to be painful and eye-opening for your ex.
To sum it up, the more your ex built up the idea of being single in their mind before the breakup… the more they romanticized the thought of their newfound freedom… the more likely it is they’re going to face a difficult reality when they actually do spend a month or two without you around.
As I mentioned earlier, going No Contact–especially if you start right away, within a few weeks of the initial breakup — is only going to magnify this for your ex.
If they thought you’d stick around and be their friend, if they thought you’d still be available to chat on the phone for hours every night despite being broken up… well, when you go No Contact and deprive them of that opportunity, it’s going to make them even more likely to feel let down and disappointed by the reality of their post-breakup life.
OK, you probably guessed this would be on the list, and you’re right… jealousy, at least when used correctly, is a powerful way to make your ex regret letting you go. Now, in my Ex Factor program, I call this strategy “Covert Jealousy” because I want to emphasize how important it is that any attempts to incite jealousy are extremely subtle and under-the-radar.
If you make your actions too obvious and your ex sees what you’re doing–or even gets a sense that you might be intentionally doing things to make them feel jealous–it’s going to have the opposite effect.
However, if you do employ Covert Jealousy the way I describe in my program, then it can be a very very effective way to force your ex to second guess their decision to break up. Simply put, no-one likes to learn that their ex is dating again mere days or weeks after a breakup… and for many people, even hearing about their ex hanging out with attractive members of the opposite sex is enough to stir up some jealous thoughts.
Basically, making your ex jealous is risky but it’s the risk if you’re able to maintain your composure and not be obvious.
#5: A Sense of Urgency
I want to mention this one specifically because a lot of people overlook this aspect.
When I say “a sense of urgency”, what I mean is that you need to make your ex feel as though they only have a limited time in which they’ll be able to change their mind and take you back. In other words, you need to make it clear to your ex that you’re quickly moving on… that you won’t be around for long, so if they have any doubts about the breakup–which, if you do the other things we’ve talked about, should be the case–they know that they need to act fast and ask you to take them back before it’s too late.
The more urgency you can make your ex feel, the better. So, by going No Contact… by hanging out with members of the opposite sex and letting your ex see that happening… by casually dating new people, getting ahead in life and working towards your goals or just being social and doing lots of fun and interesting things without them… and most importantly, by not being “friends” and letting yourself become their backup plan. You’re forcing them to realize they need to act fast before you find someone new to replace them, or simply lose interest altogether because you’re busy living an awesome, exciting life.
If your ex knows that you’ll always answer their phone calls, that you’ll always be eager to hear your phone buzz with an incoming text from them… and if they know you’re going to quickly say “hell yes” the second they suggest getting back together, there’s no sense of urgency for them. They’ll feel like they can continue to test the waters, enjoy being single, and not have to worry about losing you for good.
That’s not the kind of comfortable situation you want your ex to be in if you’re hoping to get them to take you back. Instead, you need them to worry that any day now you could find someone new or just say “nah” if they suggest giving your relationship another try.
Obviously, this may not be the truth — you probably are desperate to hear them say, “please give me another chance” — but you can’t let your ex know that. You need them to feel rushed, as though the clock is ticking and every day they wait to take you back is another day closer to you disappearing from their life forever.
#6: You Making Positive Changes To Yourself or Your Life
Let’s end with one of the easiest ones to actually implement… and that is to make positive changes to yourself or your life in general. I’m talking about any kind of change you make to yourself — a new haircut, new wardrobe, losing weight, etc…. Or any changes or advances you make in your life generally, like getting a new job, making new friends, learning a new skill, picking up a new hobby, winning an award at school, etc.
When it comes to physical appearance, I think that’s pretty obvious… your ex is going to notice if you’ve lost 5 pounds and put on some muscle, or got a stylish new haircut, and so on.
This may sound pretty superficial, but the simple fact that you are willing and able to change yourself for the better is going to have a subconscious impact on how your ex thinks about you and your potential as a romantic partner.
And beyond physical changes, any positive steps you take in your life… like I said, things like getting a promotion at work, learning to play the piano, joining an evening class and making new friends, etc… those things might not seem like they’d have any impact on how your ex sees you, but they really do.
Not only does this kind of thing show your ex that you’re not a desperate loser sitting at home all the time, but it also has 3 other benefits: first, it proves that you’re a successful, ambitious person who is going places in life.
Second, it gives you plenty of interesting things to talk about and share with your ex once you do begin reconnecting, which can be really helpful. And finally, it’s almost certain to boost your self-confidence and self-esteem, which on its own is going to make you more attractive to your ex and to the opposite sex more broadly.
So, as I talk about extensively in my Ex Factor program, you can’t ignore the importance of getting ahead in your own life after the breakup… kick-starting your social life, getting ahead in work or school, making physical changes to your appearance and your daily routine.
These are going to make your ex second guess whether breaking up was the right choice, and they’re also going to help you in life more generally whether you get back together with your ex or not.