So you want your ex back but they just aren’t sure.
How can you make them see the light and come back to you?
I’ll take you through the best way to make that happen and explain why things may not be as hopeless as they may seem.
Why Your Ex Isn’t Sure
So let’s take stock of your situation right now. First off, I know this is a tough situation to be in. You know in every fiber of your being that you and your ex could be happy together but they don’t share your enthusiasm. It’s terrible feeling like you’re not their first choice and I just want to acknowledge that. I think it’s great that you have the confidence to try anyway.
At the same time, I do think that you’re in one of the better situations that you can be in post breakup if you’re looking for another chance. If they’re not sure about you, that means that there’s still a huge part of them that wants to try to make it work but they have serious doubts at the same time.
This is perfectly reasonable, especially after a bad breakup or really any kind of breakup. Because obviously there were some big problems in your relationship that caused one or both of you to want to end it at least in that moment.
But at the same time, it’s much better than any other situation you can be in. It’s quite common for an ex to hate your guts and be extremely angry at you after a breakup. Or they can be cold, distant and have already moved on from the relationship.
So if you and your ex are still in contact and they’re entertaining the idea of giving you another shot then you’re in a better place than 90% of my clients and even in the most dire situations, it’s still quite possible to win back an ex so you’re in very good shape indeed.
What You Can Do About It
So let’s talk about the first steps. Ideally, at this point, you’ve already gone through a period of No Contact with your ex after the breakup. This is something I recommend after any breakup ESPECIALLY if you want your ex back.
Long story short, it’s about spending at least 30 days without any sort of contact between you and your ex. No text messages, no phone calls, no snapchats, nothing. This gives you both a chance to process the breakup, reset your emotions and get some distance from the situation you were in. It also allows your ex to really feel your absence and start to miss you. This is CRUCIAL if you want to start things off on the best foot with your ex.
So if you and your ex are still talking and it feels like you’re going in circles where they’re not sure but they continue to give you hope, consider taking a period of time apart for this very purpose. Of course, it’s important to let your ex know that you need space rather than just dropping off the map but simply a week or two of No Contact at this point is often enough to make them completely change their tune about the breakup.
You’ll have to use your own judgment here. If you and your ex are talking and they seem to be seriously considering taking you back, maybe this is not the time to go No Contact.
So once you’ve been through No Contact, let’s talk about what to do next.
1. Rebuild the connection before forcing the issue
When you run into an ex who is unsure what they want and is running hot and cold, it can be tempting to try to pin them down to an answer as quickly as possible. And while you can make this happen, this just vastly increases the chances that they’re not going to give you the answer that you want.
Think of it like this: say you’re looking at a car and you’re not 100% sold on it so you want to take a few days to do some research and seriously think on it. Then the dealer tells you: you have to make the decision by the end of the day or the deal is off. Sure, you MIGHT just bite the bullet and say yes but I think there’s a much better chance that this will scare you off for good.
You’ll think to yourself “why is this so urgent that he can’t wait a couple of days? What is he hiding about this?”
This is why you need to approach the situation with your ex very carefully. Spend time with them rebuilding the connection, having fun and showing them that you can make them happy. Keep the conversations light and fun as much as possible and don’t keep drawing them into deep relationship talks.
I understand that it’s stressful not knowing if this is going to work out or not but you have to try to relax and enjoy yourself as much as possible. If you try to move too quickly then you could very easily scare them off for good.
2. Make them want you back
I think many people think that since their ex loved them in the past, they don’t need to make a big effort to get them back after a breakup. Simply spending time together and expressing interest will be enough. I think this is a huge mistake.
Because while your ex clearly still has fond feelings for you, and you may still be the same person they fell in love with, things are not the same as they were when you first met and so you can’t just repeat the performance if you want them back. If you’re in this situation it’s because your relationship ended and that doesn’t happen without a reason. So whatever happened, that’s currently hanging over this new relationship, nagging at the back of their mind.
This is why you need to pull out all the stops to impress them and show them that your value outweighs all the baggage that comes with the breakup. How you do this will depend on your particular strengths but a good first step is to show up, be present and put your best foot forward in any situation. Treat them better, be more attentive, and really put the effort into attracting them.
3. Show them you’ve changed
If your ex ended the relationship, it means that they didn’t want you. Harsh words but it’s true. If they did, you two never would have broken up in the first place. So with that in mind, you need to show your ex that you’re not the same person you were when you broke up. The breakup changed you, showed you what was important, and made you a better person in the long run.
While it’s good to be vocal about this, the best way to show them is through your actions. Actually taking steps to improve yourself and your life. A simple one is going to the gym and improving your appearance. This small step can really transform how they see you. Otherwise, look for your own weaknesses and do your best to address them. Again, don’t brag about these things to your ex. They’ll notice as you improve yourself and they’ll definitely feel the extra confidence you gain while doing so.
4. Be firm in what you want
If your ex is waffling on whether or not to take you back, you need to be confident enough for the both of you.
This isn’t something you bring up or it will be clear that you’re trying to pressure them into taking you back. Simply be clear in the beginning that you’d like to give things another try and that you’ve changed and let them feel that confidence as time goes on.
Then, if they ever ask you what you want or why you want to spend time with them, be clear about what you want. Tell them that you’re not in a hurry and that you’re enjoying spending time with them but you’re not interested in being just a friend or a rebound for them.
5. Solve the problem
Most breakups are tied to some specific problem in the relationship. Obviously a breakup happens when the damage that this problem does outweighs the benefits the relationship provides. So if you want your ex back and you want it to last in the long run, then you need to identify this problem and take steps to eliminate it.
The first step in this process can be very difficult depending on how honest your ex was about the breakup. If they hit you with the “it’s not you, it’s me,” or “I don’t know” then you’ll have to really dig deep and try to sort out what it really was that drove you two apart.
This is something that you can do on your own in most scenarios but it can be even better with the help of someone else, like, say, a breakup coach. Either way, you know this person and you were in a relationship together so you should be able to point out the problems that you two had.
Then you need to figure out a solution to this issue. Maybe you were too busy and neglected their needs? Spend more time showing them that they’re your priority. Maybe you didn’t show an interest in their hobbies? Take the time to do that now. Whatever you do, just recognizing the problem and making an effort is enough to show your ex that you’re serious about making this work this time.
In the end, just remember that while this can be a confusing time for both of you, and there are no guarantees, the fact that they’re open to the idea of getting back together suggests that you really do have a great chance of winning them back for good.