When should you NOT use the No Contact strategy to win back your ex?
The truth is, there are certain situations where No Contact might make things WORSE, and actually decrease your chances of getting back together?
Today I’ll tell you exactly when you should avoid using No Contact.
First, I need to give you a basic primer on everything that’s involved in No Contact.
What is No Contact?
You ignore your ex for about 30 days after breaking up, they start to miss you like crazy, and hopefully eventually they break down and beg to have you back. In many situations, that’s exactly what happens with you use No Contact on your ex… but there are a few key times when you do NOT want to employ the No Contact rule.
I’ll be covering those specific situations shortly, but first, there’s one thing you absolutely MUST know about No Contact.
For at least 95% of you reading this right now who are hoping to get another chance with your ex, using No Contact WILL give you the best possible chance of success.
After all, the reason I’ve been advocating this strategy for over a decade now is because it WORKS… I see it work literally every single day for my clients, and fans just how many people use this strategy effectively to win back their ex.
When in doubt, No Contact is almost always the best route to take. It will almost never hurt your chances if executed properly, and it’s better than accidentally saying something dumb to your ex that might kill your chances.
So unless your current scenario is one of the ones I’m about to discuss, the default strategy that you should be using WILL involve No Contact.
Now, when are those few times when No Contact should be avoided? Let’s get into it….
Situation #1: When It’s Been A Long Time Since Your Initial Breakup
Sometimes, I’ll have clients tell me that they’ve been broken up for many months or even years already. They’re hoping to win back their ex long after things ended, and often that means they’ve already given their ex plenty of time and space.
It also typically means that your ex has let go of most of the negative memories and feelings they had about you and your time together, which is part of what No Contact is designed to achieve. In cases like this, employing 30 days of No Contact can often be unnecessary.
Now, just because it’s been months since your breakup doesn’t ALWAYS mean you shouldn’t apply No Contact. Let me describe 2 different example scenarios, and how to apply No Contact in each of them…
Scenario #1: You broke up with your ex 5 months ago, but since then you’ve been in regular contact with him or her. You text back and forth frequently, you see one another occasionally, and you even agreed to “still be friends” with your ex. Essentially, you never really let go of your ex, they’re still a part of your life and someone you talk to all the time.
In this kind of situation, you should still apply No Contact for a few weeks. Because you’re still friends, you still see your ex occasionally and speak with them regularly, you’ve never really engaged in No Contact.
It’s only been 5 months since the breakup, which is a long time, but not long enough to make No Contact redundant. Apply No Contact by not reaching out to your ex any more, and suddenly start becoming “too busy” with your new friends and hobbies to find time for them.
If they text you, ignore anything but the most essential messages, and try to generally give your ex a taste of what life is like when you’re not around.
Scenario #2: You broke up 7 months ago, and although you spoke to your ex a few times in the early days after the breakup, you’ve not spoken with them much recently. In fact, it’s been several weeks since you last reached out to your ex, and you haven’t heard from them lately either.
In this scenario, things are different from the first one I described, because you’ve already accidentally employed what is essentially a period of No Contact. Employing another 30 days of radio silence isn’t usually necessary in this case, and waiting longer before you reach out to your ex could be a mistake.
Time is of the essence when you’re in this kind of situation where it’s been many months since the breakup, so you can usually skip No Contact and reach out to your ex right away.
If your initial attempts to contact him or her don’t get a reply or crash and burn, you will need to wait at least a week or two before you try again, but generally speaking you can skip No Contact if your breakup was long ago and you’re no longer in regular contact with your ex.
Please keep in mind that in situations like the two I just described, and especially in the second scenario, you’re likely facing an uphill battle. There’s a decent chance that you may not succeed in winning them back, unfortunately.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t still try, but please also be ready for the possibility that you’ll need to move on and find someone new if your ex doesn’t start to show more interest in reconnecting soon.
Situation #2: When Your Ex Is Getting Angry Because You’re Not Responding
Maybe you’ve already been ignoring your ex for a while. If so, good job, you’re likely doing the right thing. But some people don’t respond well when their ex engages in No Contact after a breakup, especially if things ended on good terms.
So, occasionally, you might find yourself in a situation where your ex is starting to get angry or upset that you’re not talking to them anymore.
If this is the case for you, where your ex is getting annoyed by your lack of contact, then it’s actually a good sign in some ways, because it shows your ex still cares.
And up to a point, continuing to use No Contact in this type of scenario is actually more important than ever… you need your ex to know that you will NOT be available to provide emotional support or keep them entertained while they get over the post-breakup heartache and loneliness.
Limiting contact says to your ex, “get back together with me, give our relationship another chance, or I’m gone from your life for good”…. And that kind of urgency – that pressure it puts on your ex – can often be enough to make them change their mind and decide to take you back.
HOWEVER…. This only applies up to a certain point. As much as you want to be ignoring your ex and sticking to the No Contact rule, there may come a point where you need to break the silence in order to avoid causing major conflict. I’m talking about situations where you’ve cut off ALL communications with him or her for at least a week or two, and during that time they’ve tried to reach out multiple times and are clearly getting more and more frustrated by your lack of response.
In that kind of scenario, it can be a good idea to break the silence in order to calm things down and make sure your ex doesn’t think you’re holding a grudge or trying to get revenge. So if your ex is clearly upset or becoming angry that they haven’t heard from you, I recommend responding to your ex’s next message with a quick text or call to say something like:
sorry, I’m not trying to be rude or anything, I’ve just been really busy and I am focused on moving on.
Don’t let your ex use this opportunity to drag you into any kind of longer discussion, and don’t feel the need to elaborate or share any kind of emotion with your ex… just make it clear you’re not intentionally being an asshole to them, you’re just moving on with your life since they apparently don’t want to be with you any more.
That’s perfectly reasonable, and as long as you’re reasonably friendly and cordial to your ex, they have no reason to continue getting upset or trying to turn things into an argument.
Once you’ve made it clear to your ex that the lack of contact isn’t anything personal or intended to hurt them, you can usually continue with No Contact until you’ve completed roughly 30 days… so, really, this is more a situation where you should BREAK No Contact rather than avoid it altogether.
Situation #3: When You Have Children Together Or Shared Responsibilities
This one is pretty common, especially if you’re a bit older. Unfortunately, you can’t just disappear completely if you have serious shared responsibilities with your ex, like parenting or paying bills or co-parenting with your ex. Most everyday topics can be safely ignored, obviously.
For example, if your ex is asking “how’s your mom?” or “where are you going this weekend?” Anything that isn’t pressing and genuinely important can be safely ignored during No Contact.
But if your ex is asking you to pick up your daughter from school next week, or if you still live together and your ex is asking you to pay your half of the utility bills that are due tomorrow… those are the sort of rare things you can’t just ignore, at least not for 30 days.
So in those cases, you’ll need to handle things as best as possible by doing whatever it is you need to do — agreeing which days you’ll drive the kids to school, sort out who is going to the bank to pay overdue bills, etc — just be polite, friendly, upbeat, and stick to the essentials.
Now, before we move on, I want to stress the importance of being UPBEAT and POSITIVE in these kinds of interactions… if you must break no contact, and this is one of the times where you can and should do so, use it to your advantage by being more friendly and happy than your ex will be expecting from someone who has just been through a breakup.
RELATED: Should You Be Friends With Your Ex?
In situations like this, I like to call the strategy “Modified No Contact”…. Basically, No Contact adapted to suit the situation you’re in as best as possible. Most people won’t have to worry too much about this, but the No Contact tactic can definitely still be very effective even if it’s ‘Modified No Contact’… at least, as long as you actually do what i’ve just talked about, it can and often will still work.
Situation #4: When Your Ex Is Actually Asking You To Take Them Back
This is a no-brainer, obviously, but if your ex is actually saying to you outright that they want to get back together… don’t continue with No Contact.
Instead, wait a few hours, and then reply with something calm and not-overly-eager sounding to signal your agreement… maybe say something like, “I agree, I think we can make it work if we give things another try 🙂 meet for drinks tomorrow after work?”
Then, you can see your ex in person and start flirting like crazy and re-building your chemistry. Don’t hesitate to build sexual tension and initiate sexy time as soon as the opportunity presents itself, as this can help “seal the deal” and get your ex to commit to giving your relationship a fresh start.
Don’t get into any serious conversations with your ex at this point, don’t try to talk about how you’ve changed or how much you missed your ex when you were broken up… be calm, don’t get overexcited, and take it slow.
Now, if your ex isn’t saying outright they want you back — if instead they’re saying things like “i miss u” or “wish you were here right now” — that is a completely different story than if they were clearly stating their desire to get back together.
In this kind of situation, where they’re just dropping some strong signals that they still have feelings for you but not obviously asking you to take them back, you need to stick to No Contact as much as possible.
I won’t go into the psychology of what’s going on in your ex’s head when they say this kind of thing after a breakup, but usually it’s a result of internal conflict. Your ex likely really does miss you if they tell you that, but it doesn’t mean they’re ready to take you back.
That’s why No Contact is extremely important and effective in this kind of situation, and you should definitely stick to it if you receive this kind of mixed message from your ex.