You want your ex back and they’re being awfully friendly.
But are they really interested…
Or are you just their backup plan?
I’m going to explain the steps you need to take to avoid becoming “plan B” for your ex. If you’re hoping to get back together with an ex, then what I’m about to cover is critical information…
Avoid Being Your Ex’s Backup Plan
First, let’s quickly talk about why your ex might be hoping to making you their backup plan. A lot of people don’t really understand this, but the simple fact of the matter is that most of the time, your ex isn’t going to be 100% certain about the decision to break up.
Just like you are, they’re likely fearing the idea of being single and struggling to cope with the heartache and the feeling of missing you.
This means that, in most cases, your ex is going to be hoping to keep you in their back pocket as a “plan B” option in case the single life doesn’t work out or they realize that they’ve made a mistake ending things with you.
Now, at first this might seem like great news…. After all, that would mean you might be able to get them back, right? Except that… that’s not how it works.
Please trust me on this… the truth is that allowing yourself to become your ex’s backup plan is actually going to kill your chances of ever getting back together.
The simple explanation is that by making it clear to your ex that you’re OK waiting around for them to hopefully change their mind about breaking up, you’re not putting any pressure on them or allowing them to worry about losing you forever.
That’s going to be a scary thought for your ex, and the fear of you moving on or finding someone new to replace them is extraordinarily powerful if you want them back.
As long as your ex knows that you’ll be waiting around eager to say “yes” immediately if they want you back, that’s almost certainly never going to happen. It firmly shifts the balance of power entirely to your ex, gives them the comfort of gradually getting over you, and will make it much more difficult for you to move on.
Essentially, allowing yourself to become “plan B” for your ex removes any sense of urgency and makes the entire process of getting over the breakup less painful and less frightening for them.
At this point, hopefully I’ve convinced you that putting yourself in this kind of situation is going to destroy any hope of getting them back. Let’s now talk about how to avoid falling into the “backup plan” trap.
Step #1: Employ a period of No Contact.
First, you absolutely need to use my 30 Day No Contact technique as soon after the breakup as possible.
If it’s already been a month or more since you first broke up, you should still, in most cases, go through with a period of No Contact where you don’t speak to your ex at all (or as little as possible).
No Contact is important because it shocks your ex into recognizing what life is like without you around, maximizing their feelings of “missing you”.
If you don’t use No Contact, and you instead continue talking to your ex regularly, you’re slowly reducing the amount of contact between you and your ex which will reduce the heartache they’re going to feel and make it easier for you to gradually fade from their life.
By not speaking to your ex, you’re also going to create a sense of mystery — they’ll wonder why you’re suddenly no longer interested in talking with you, and you’ll essentially upend their expectations and create more of a sense of urgency by signalling you’re already moving on.
Step #2: Hide your emotions.
This is along the same lines as what I just mentioned, but you also want to keep your heartache and emotions out of the public eye.
If your ex thinks you’re struggling with the breakup, thinks you’re heartbroken, or gets the impression you’re not moving on quickly…. Then that’s a sign that you’re willing to be their Plan B option.
Obviously, that’s not what you want, so keep your emotions hidden from your ex as much as possible.
Step #3: Don’t show your true intentions.
OK, so you’re trying to get back together, obviously… but you definitely do not want your ex to know that. In fact, the more convinced he or she is that you’re actually fine with the idea of breaking up and you’re moving on, the better.
I know this sounds backwards at first, but if your ex thinks you’re actively trying to get back together, they’re going to be less likely to respond to your calls or texts and more guarded when it comes to hanging out with you or seeing you.
Along the same lines, when you’re using any kind of “sneakier” tactics such as my Covert Jealousy technique or the Clean Slate message that I cover in my Ex Factor program, you need to be subtle and avoid letting your true underlying intentions become apparent.
That means you should be careful not to seem too eager to respond to your ex’s messages, and you need to be sure that any time you reach out to your ex you’re carefully crafting the interaction to ensure you don’t make it obvious to your ex that you want them back or are making an effort to get a second chance with them.
Here’s an easy tip to keep in mind: if your ex were to call you and ask you to take them back, he or she shouldn’t know for sure what your answer would be. If they know that you’ll immediately say yes and take them back any time they want, then you’ve become their backup plan… and as we’ve already discussed, that’s bad.
Step #4: Don’t get friendzoned.
You definitely don’t want to allow yourself to fall into the “friend zone” trap. I know being friends with your ex may seem like the next best thing if you can’t be together in a proper relationship, but it’s actually going to hurt your chances of getting them back.
Becoming friends with your ex is another way you can make the breakup easier for your ex.
By being their friend, you’re again just letting them gradually let you go from their life rather than ‘shocking’ them into realizing what life is like when you’re suddenly not around anymore.
You have to make it absolutely clear to your ex that if they choose to break up with you, they’re on their own and they can’t come running back to you if they find the single life less fun than they’d imagined it would be. If you can do this then it’s the best way to make your ex chase you.
Step #5: Start living life to the fullest.
When you start going out, being social, making friends, taking up new hobbies, and thriving at work or in school… your ex will notice, and he or she will see clearly that you’re not a “low-value” desperate loser ex.
Nothing says “I’m nobody’s backup plan” better than generally thriving in life!
You need to make it obvious that you’re moving on to bigger and better things unless your ex quickly changes his or mind about breaking up.