So you wanna learn how to make someone want you back? I am going to share the goods so that YOU can make that one special person take you back for good.
How do you make someone want you back?
You just have to follow these four simple steps. These steps are only to get your ex to feel that initial burst of desire again – not about how to build a long and lasting relationship with them once you get them back. For that, check out my article here.
Now, a lot of the advice that I’m going to give you is going to sound counter-intuitive at first… and some of it may just sound downright sneaky and manipulative to you. Keep reading!
Because by the end of it, it’ll all make sense to you.
STEP ONE– Avoid these common mistakes
Okay, so STEP ONE is more so of what NOT to do if you want somebody to desire you again. So let’s start off by listing some common mistakes that need to be avoided at all costs…
1. Calling and texting your ex constantly
I swear that 90% of all of the people who email say the same thing… that their ex dumped them, that they feel like shit, and that they’ve been constantly trying to contact their ex BEGGING for a second chance.
This is a massive mistake… and it’s a massive mistake even to call them ONCE.
Why? Well, displaying this sort of desperation is only going to show your ex that you’re absolutely miserable and broken without them… and this sort of very unattractive behaviour is going to push your ex further and further away.
I mean, think about it from your perspective in the past… have you ever been pursued DESPERATELY before?
Some of you may think that this wouldn’t be too bad, but if you’ve ever been completely and totally obsessed over, it can be quite a turn off. So before you pick up that iPhone on your table to message your ex, just take a second to relax and keep reading.
But now you’re probably thinking… well how the HECK am I supposed to get someone to want me back if I don’t talk to them? Well, I’ll get to that in the following steps, but for now, put the text messaging and calling on hold.
2. Using hysterics, pity, and begging to try and convince your ex to come back
Remember, you’re never going to convince your ex to take you back by using logic. Love and emotion trump any sort of logic when it comes to relationships, so keep this in mind moving forward.
Nobody will take you back out of pity… and if they do, that relationship will be DOOMED to fail. Instead, what you need to do is follow the advice I outline in this article. More on this later.
3. Always saying YES to your ex
This mistake is, again, fairly counter-intuitive. At this point, I bet you that if your ex asked you for a favour, you’d do whatever it takes to perform that errand for them. I’m guessing that you would sacrifice almost anything to get it done too, right? While this may SOUND like it would work, it DOESN’T.
Being your ex’s doormat is ridiculously unattractive and it’s only going to make him or her respect you even LESS. If you really want to get someone to desire you again, they have to respect you.
4. Getting hysterical if you find out your ex is dating someone new
I know, this is may be one of the most painful situations to go through in life, but it isn’t as awful as you think it is. If your ex is in a relationship with another person directly after your breakup, they’re in what is known as a “rebound relationship”. And typically speaking, these rebound relationships don’t last… so what you need to do is simply weather the storm and wait for the perfect opportunity to get your ex back.
5. Showering your ex with gifts and affection
Again, this is another counter-intuitive mistake. Like the last few mistakes, showing your ex that you’ve put him or her on the metaphorical pedestal is MASSIVELY unattractive behaviour. So don’t buy your ex gifts, don’t make them presents, don’t call your ex showering him or her with compliments. Just no, no, no! Not now!
6. Lashing out at your ex
This is where you could do some permanent damage to your relationship with your ex, so steer clear of any sort of name-calling or hysterical yelling.
Again, you’re never going to “logic” your way back into someone’s heart… ESPECIALLY if you’re screaming at the top of your lungs. Doing so will only re-affirm your ex’s decision to steer clear of you and you might ruin your chances of every building a healthy relationship with that person forever.
7. Obsessing and overanalyzing the situation with your ex
I know, easier said than done, right? All you want to do is just read old text messages and old letters trying to figure out where you went wrong and how you can fix it. Just stop this now.
Doing this will only further put your ex on that metaphorical pedestal, and I can guarantee you that you won’t find any answers by doing this. What’s done is done and you need to move on with a proper course of action!
Of course, there are dozens of other brutal mistakes that people commit when they’re trying to get someone to want them back… so if you want the full scoop, watch my free video here.
STEP TWO– No Contact
Okay! So step 2… give your ex some room to breathe and stop contacting them. This step ESPECIALLY crucial if you want that special person to want you back again.
So what does no-contact mean? Well, it’s pretty self-explanatory.
It means ABSOLUTELY NO COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR EX WHATSOEVER!
- No drunk dialing
- No social media interactions
- No liking their photos on Instagram
- No SnapChat
- No NOTHING!
ESPECIALLY… do not “accidentally but not so accidentally” run into your ex in public. You’ll give him or her the utter creeps and they’ll begin running for the hills.
And ABSOLUTELY do not ask mutual friends about your ex either. If your ex gets wind that you’re trying to pry into his or her private life after the breakup, you’ll turn them away completely.
So I know what you’re probably thinking right now…
Why would this work?
Why would NOT contacting your ex convince them to take you back?
All the movies that I’ve watched show men and women performing insane, over the top gestures of love and it WORKS!
Well, those movies are hogwash. Your ex absolutely needs this time away from so they can revert back to what I call “Emotional Neutral”.
See, right after the breakup, you and your ex are feeling a slurry of negative emotions… everything from sadness, to depression, to anxiousness, anger, and frustration. And when someone is feeling all of these negative emotions, it’s almost IMPOSSIBLE for them to turn things around make them want you again over night.
No, they need time to recover from this ordeal and return to an emotional state that is stable… or, what I like to call, “Emotional Neutral”. It’s at this point where they’ll be more receptive to your later attempts to make them want you again.
And the best way to do this is through no contact.
And not only do THEY need time apart from you… but YOU need time apart from THEM too.
Right now, you’re also probably feeling sad, lonely, angry, and rejected… and all you want to do is have a few shots of whiskey and call your ex up out of the blue. But again, this is exactly what NOT to do.
In order for your ex to want you again (to the point where he or she HAS to take you back), then you need to be in the best version of yourself. You need to be happy, positive, and living your best life. Your ex will not settle for anything less.
You’ll also be able to use this time to improve yourself in ways that you couldn’t before. Free time isn’t such a bad thing. I know, the feeling of loneliness can be a real bitch, but only if you let it.
Now is the time to fill this vacancy with hobbies, passions, and things that make you happy.
Maybe you’ve always wanted to go to the gym more… and now you can. Maybe you’ve always wanted to take up painting as a hobby…now you can.
So how LONG should this period of No Contact be?
Typically speaking, it takes about 30 days for someone to return back to what I call “emotional neutral”… but this depends on a variety of factors. If your relationship ended on extremely poor terms, for example, it may take several months for your ex to return to emotional neutral.
But for most circumstances, 30 days should suffice.
If you’re unsure as to how long you should wait, then I encourage to check out my personal coaching program. I offer one-on-one coaching that is tailored to your specific situation so you can maximize your chances of winning your ex back for good.
SO… are there any exceptions to No Contact? I get that question all the time. For the most part, there are no exceptions.
If it’s their birthday or if it’s a very, VERY special occasion, a quick text is permitted, but it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to just bypass that for now.
In fact, even if your ex texts you during this period, just avoid them for now. Sometimes this will frustrate your ex to the point that they’ll begin to want you back just based on your indifference!
If they really do begin pestering you like mad, then just reply to them in a few days with something simple like, “Sorry, I’ve been busy!” and that’s it. NOTHING MORE.
Of course, there are other exceptions like if you live with your ex or if you have children with them. If contact is absolutely necessary then of course, you’ll have to engage with your ex.
But make sure your interactions are cordial and minimal. Avoid getting sucked into long, emotional conversations because these are at risk of ending poorly. If you are living with your ex, arrange to move out from their place as quickly as possible (or get them to move out).
STEP THREE– Become Your Best Self
Once again, you need to use this time apart from your ex to better yourself and your life. Remember, your ex will never take you back if you’re feeling sorry for yourself – however, your ex WILL want to take you back if they see you living your absolute best life… and looking good while doing so!
So my biggest tip for this section is… CONCENTRATE ON YOUR APPEARANCE! I’d be lying if I said that improving your physical appearance won’t improve your chances of getting your ex back.
So go get a fresh haircut, go to the dentist, stop eating junk food and go to the gym EVERYDAY (yes, everyday)… and go on a shopping spree for new clothes.
To be perfectly honest, these are things that you should be doing on a regular basis anyways, so you’ve got absolutely nothing to lose here.
On top of looking good, there are a ton of ways to improve yourself mentally as well. Go out with friends and enjoy being social again… it’ll make you feel great to be distracted, and you might even meet some cool people along the way too. And along those lines, feel free to start DATING again.
I know, you probably don’t want to and you’ll feel like you’re perhaps “cheating” on your ex, but put those feelings on the backburner and make sure to give dating a shot. If anything, it’s a great distraction and it may be a great way to build that confidence you may have lost.
Finally, you’ll also want to take this time to NOT focus on your ex at all.
That means you need to remove ANY reminders that you have of your ex… or at least as many as possible. So move all of those photos you have of him or her to a private folder on your phone.
Take the time to move all of their gifts into a shoe box to store in the attic… and just do whatever you need to do so that you stop thinking about your ex 24/7.
This will be extremely hard to do in the first few days after the breakup, but don’t stress. Every day that passes will become easier and easier! Trust me on this one.
A huge goal of step 3 is to become an attractive person, period. Not even to your ex, but to every person of the opposite sex.
I can guarantee you that one of the reasons why your ex broke up you was because you STOPPED exhibiting some characteristics that your ex found attractive before. So what you need to do is becoming YOU 2.0.
STEP FOUR– Contact Your Ex and Hang Out With Them
Okay, so where are we at now? We’re at the point where you’re becoming the BEST VERSION OF YOU RSELF. You’re engaging in NO CONTACT but you’re also using this time wisely to improve your life, meet people, and spend time with your friends. All the while, your ex is living their life and returning to Emotional Neutral.
Now what? How do we make them WANT you again?
Well, if you’ve just finished No Contact, now is the time to reach out to them. And there are several ways to do this… but the very BEST way is through text messaging.
It can’t be something like “hey” or “what’s up”… no, you have to do something that actually makes your ex WANT to respond to you. Let’s jump into an example here… you could say something like…
Hey! Long time, no chat. Just wondering about something…I’m buying a guitar tomorrow and I know you know a lot about that shit! Care to help me out?
Or you could text something along the lines of…
Hey! Hope you’re doing well. I’m booking a trip to Japan next month and I know you were just there. Care to help me out?
And that’s it.
You need to craft a message that’s simple, easy-going, and purposeful.
What we want to do right now is to make it seem like the only reason you’re texting your ex is because you need something from them, and nothing more.
If you’ve been playing your cards right up until this point, your ex should at least be receptive to messaging you back. And from there, you’re going to have to set up an in-person meet.
To do this, use your original text message as a means to set up a meet. So, for example, if they reply to the first example text… you could say something like…
Oh cool, yeah I’ve been hearing about those Taylor guitars. Any chance I could buy you a quick coffee so I can pick your brain?
Nice! I’ve heard great things about Osaka as well. Mind if buy you lunch so I can pick your brain? Would be nice to see you anyways.
Once you do meet up with your ex, that’s when the MAGIC happens… and this is how you’ll REALLY get your ex to want you back. But you can’t forget everything that I’ve taught you from steps 1-3 here… so when you DO meet up with your ex, make sure you’re exhibiting all of the positive behaviours that I outlined earlier.
That means that you’re going to remain UPBEAT, HAPPY and POSITIVE. And now is also a great time to show off your new haircut and style… and maybe your improved hot bod as well!
But the REAL way to make your ex want you again is to FLIRT. Now, I’m not going to go into great detail about how to flirt.
RELATED: How To Tell If Someone Is Flirting
Treat your first meetup with your ex as if you’re going on a first date. That means you’re outgoing, charismatic, and fun. You’re making good eye contact, you’re smiling at their jokes, and you’re touching your ex when appropriate.
Doing that alone will make your ex want you back… but there are a few more tactics that are proven to work extremely well. I call this technique the “Sensual Reminder” tactic… here’s how it goes.
During your coffee or lunch date with your ex, you could allude to a steamy time you shared together… but don’t make it TOO obvious. For example, you could say something like…
“Hey, that reminds me of that cabin trip we took! Man, those were some fun nights huh?” And then you could give your ex a flirty little smirk.
Obviously when you do say this, you’ll want to be subtle and say this in a joking way. You’ll ultimately just want to make your ex smile and later fantasize about how steamy those nights were.
Once your ex sees how vibrant, attractive, and fun you are, they are only going to want you more and more! And if you’ve REALLY put an effort into becoming the best version of yourself, it’ll only be a matter of time before they’re back in your arms for good.