6 Lessons Your Ex Must Learn
You want your ex back, so you went online looking for the best way to do it.
But the truth is, instead of LEARNING lessons you actually need to be TEACHING your ex lessons.
If used correctly, these lessons will let your ex know why it’s in their best interest to give you a second chance.
I know what you’re thinking… “What the hell am I going to teach to my ex that’s going to lead to us getting back together?” I know it sounds a bit weird, but remember that we’re actually always teaching other people things throughout the course of daily life already.
For example, maybe you’ve probably taught your friends and family not to call you before 9am on the weekends by ignoring their early morning calls or joking about them waking you up on weekends.
Or maybe you’ve taught your coworkers that you won’t participate in any office drama or rumours through your behaviour and social cues.
Whatever the situation, we all learn lessons from the people around us, typically on a subconscious level.
But there are steps you can take to be more ACTIVE in the lessons you’re teaching other people (in this case, your ex) so that you have more control over the outcome.
At the same time, if you do it correctly, they’ll have no idea that you’re teaching them a lesson. They’ll just decide to change their feelings and behaviour.
So, it’s not strange to think that you might need to “teach” some things to your ex in order for them to want you back. And like with the examples I just explained, these 6 things you want to educate your ex on are going to be subtle and under-the-radar.
Be sure to read this entire article because all 6 lessons are hugely important to your chances of starting over with your ex and having a long-term future together… and you need to get the timing right in order for them to be effective.
1. You’re awesome, a great catch that other singles will be chasing after.
Yes, that’s right, you need to show your ex that YOU are an amazing catch that anyone of the opposite sex would be lucky to go on a date with.
See, in most relationships, things start off on a high note. When you first started dating, your ex couldn’t wait to see you again or hear your voice… they felt a rush of excitement just thinking about you.
In their eyes, you were amazing… you were the person they fantasize about and wanted to spend every waking moment with. Over time, those feelings fade. Your ex had time to start seeing your flaws and imperfections, and maybe the relationship ended with a lot of arguing and drama that further damaged your ex’s perception of you.
So now, it’s time to teach your ex that they were wrong to focus on your flaws and faults… it’s time to teach them to let go of the negative memories and feelings that they were focused on during the final days of your relationship. You need to change how they feel about you and your potential future together.
The best way to show your ex what they’re missing is to simply live your life to the fullest after breaking up. Do the opposite of what your ex had come to expect from you. Break out of your comfort zone and crank up your social life to the max.
Make new friends, reconnect with old friends, pick up new hobbies, and achieve your goals in life. Your ex expects the opposite from you — in fact, they expect you to continue being the same flawed person they broke up with.
By making positive changes to your life, working harder than ever to achieve your goals, and living a fun, interesting social life… your ex is going to wonder whether they had actually misjudged you.
They’ll begin to worry that maybe you WERE still that person they first fell in love with back in the early days of your time together.
If you can, it’s also extremely helpful to teach your ex that you’re a hot commodity by going on a few dates with new people. Even if it’s just for fun, jump on Tinder and some dating sites and go on a couple of dates. Even hanging out with friends of the opposite sex can be enough to teach your ex that there’s plenty of people who would love to be with you and take your ex’s place.
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Try to always remind yourself: you’re an amazing person and a great catch, but your ex has lost sight of that over time… so it’s time to re-teach them how awesome you really are, and how foolish they would be to let you walk away.
Now, the next lesson you want to teach your ex is closely related…
2. You’re not waiting around for them.
A sense of urgency is critical if you want to change your ex’s mind about breaking up and force them to come crawling back to you. You CANNOT let your ex think that you’ll always be waiting around for them, eager to get back together if they simply say the word.
Honestly, this is one of the single most common mistakes that I see my clients make. It feels like you should be willing to wait for your ex to change their mind, right? If they need 4 more months to decide they want you back, fine. You’re probably happy to wait and play along if it seems like it’ll increase the odds of getting back together in the long run.
This is absolutely the wrong way to think about things. Your ex MUST not believe that you will be a backup plan in case they change their mind about breaking up. If they think you’ll always be there, eager to agree the second they suggest getting back together, you’ve already given up control of the situation to your ex and further damaged their perception of you.
Your ex MUST learn that you’re quickly going to move on with life unless they make an abrupt u-turn on their decision to break up. They can’t feel like you will probably still be single and willing to take them back months down the road. They need to feel like you’re quickly slipping away from them, and won’t be single for long.
Teaching this lesson to your ex is actually pretty easy.
First, you need to apply a period of No Contact as soon as possible. Basically, cut yourself out of your ex’s life as much as possible and as quickly as possible after breaking up.
Secondly, go on dates with new people, hang out with friends, join a club or pick up a hobby, take on new responsibilities or projects at work or school… just occupy your time with productive, interesting, or enjoyable things.
The more, the merrier. Don’t leave yourself any time during your day to think about your ex… instead, get out there and live life. Be social. Trust me, if you do this properly, your ex is going to notice…. And they’ll learn the lesson.
They’ll feel a sense of urgency, and feel a loss of control over the situation that they didn’t expect when they initially decided to break up.
3. Their rational reasons for the breakup weren’t really a huge issue after all.
Usually, when someone decides to end a relationship, they have specific reasons that they believe justify that decision. They thought things over again and again, and came up with issues or problems that they felt were bad enough that the only solution was to end things and move on.
Well, obviously, you need to re-educate them. Your ex needs to learn that those rational ‘reasons’ that led them to decide to break up were wrong… or at least, they weren’t nearly as bad or insurmountable as they had previously thought.
This one can be difficult to do in practice, but there are some situations where you can easily show your ex that their fears or concerns were overblown.
For example, maybe you were guilty of becoming a bit too needy and jealous during the last few weeks or months of your time together… maybe your ex felt smothered by your constant pestering or insecurities, or maybe they couldn’t handle your constant jealousy issues.
In that kind of situation, you can apply No Contact immediately after breaking up, and show clearly to your ex that you AREN’T actually clingy and overly jealous.
You could even say something like this to your ex…
you know what… breaking up has actually been a big eye-opener for me, and helped me get my life out of a rut and back on track. Hope you’re doing well too!
Not all of your ex’s rational reasons for breaking up are going to be within your control. You can’t suddenly move your job across the country to wherever your ex is living if that was a main reason for the breakup… but you could potentially hint to your ex that you’ve been applying to new positions in different cities around the country, suggesting there might be a chance you’ll someday soon live closer to one another.
QUIZ: Will Your Ex Take You Back
Regardless of the exact reasons your ex has in their mind for the breakup, you need to teach them — as much as possible — that those reasons weren’t as problematic or insurmountable as they had thought. You want to give them some hope that some or all of the reasons can be worked out, or show them that things could in fact be different if they were to give your relationship another chance.
4. Their life is way, way worse without you in it.
This one is simple. You need to make your ex feel heartache and loneliness. You want them to miss you as much as possible. If your ex feels a strong sense of loss after breaking up — if they notice their life becomes noticeably worse with you not around anymore — the more emotions will drive them to miss you and second guess breaking up.
The only truly effective way to teach this lesson to your ex is to apply No Contact as soon as possible after the breakup. You need to give them a “cold turkey” breakup experience to ensure they experience the full consequences of their decision to break up.
You can’t make them miss you if you continue to be part of their daily life, which is why No Contact is so important… it ensures that they have no time to slowly learn to live without you. It forces them to suddenly experience a major change to their life, and will focus their attention on all the positive things you brought to their life they might not have appreciated before the breakup.
No Contact works, folks, and it’s the only way to truly make a breakup as painful as possible for your ex. Teach them how much worse their life is without you in it, and they’ll want you back to fill that void. No Contact is the key to teaching this lesson to your ex.
5. You’ve learned from your mistakes.
This one is actually not going to be relevant for everyone, but it is an important lesson you need to teach your ex if the relationship ended because of something you did to hurt your ex.
If you cheated on your ex, lied to them, smothered them and tried to control their life, or even just generally treated them poorly… these things are obvious mistakes on your part, and your ex won’t you back if they think you’ll do the same things again if you get back together.
Your ex needs to understand that you’ve recognized your mistakes and come to regret them. They need to know that, if things work out and they give your relationship a second chance, you won’t make the same mistakes again. Things will be different next time around.
Now, if you haven’t apologized in a sincere way to your ex for something really bad you did or said to your ex…. That’s the best way to start. Make it a single, heartfelt and genuine apology that shows your regret and your understanding of what you did wrong.
For example, you could send your ex a text saying
Listen, I don’t want to bring up old drama or anything, but I want to apologize for what I did to you. Going behind your back and lying about it was totally wrong, and I’ve realized that now. I’m really sorry for the hurt it caused you, and I’m definitely going to learn from it.
If it wasn’t a single mistake you made, but rather an ongoing trend or pattern of behaviour… such as being overly jealous and controlling of your ex, or smothering them and being too clingy all the time… then you don’t want to apologize, but instead you want to exhibit the complete opposite behaviour from now on.
If you were too insecure and needy, and you constantly nagged at your ex during your relationship, it’s time to do the exact opposite now: give your ex tons of space and don’t ask them what they’re doing, who they’re with, or what their plans are.
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Act like you no longer care what they’re doing and don’t have any need to contact them anymore.
By showing them through your actions that you’ve changed the behaviour that drove them to break up, you’re clearly indicating that you’ve learned from the past and have the ability to change and avoid those same mistakes in the future should you end up getting back together.
6. They still want you sexually.
OK, this is another lesson that your ex really needs to learn in order for them to decide to take you back… they need to be reminded of your sexual chemistry. They need to want you and be physically attracted to you. You want them to understand that being with you means great sex and a close sexual connection.
Teaching this lesson to your ex is… well, pretty simple. First, be sure to look your best any time you’re going to see your ex in person.
Show off the fact you’ve lost 5 pounds since the breakup–without actually saying it, obviously. Just post a photo of the new slimmer you or mention to your ex in passing that you have been hitting your fitness goals lately.
Second, consider using my Intimate Memory Text when the time is right. This text (which I cover in more detail in my Ex Factor program) involves subtly hinting at a steamy, intimate moment you shared with your ex in the past… just by bringing that memory to your ex’s mind will remind them of the amazing sexual connection you used to share.
Don’t be too explicit or direct when bringing up your past sex life or dropping sexual innuendos… but, if you do this correctly, it will help your ex remember how good your sex life was and what they’re missing out out.
Lastly, you want to use any in-person encounters with your ex after the breakup to flirt and build sexual tension. Be sure to get close to your ex when you’re together, make physical contact, and playfully tease them or drop a very subtle sexual innuendo during your conversations.
Basically, just use your charm to be seductive and crank up your flirting to force your ex to feel attracted to you sexually again.
Once they learn that they still want you physically, your ex will have yet another reason to re-consider breaking up.
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