Why Your Ex Can’t Make Up Their Mind

This is for anyone who feels like their ex can’t make up their mind.

Maybe you’re getting the hot and cold treatment from them, where one minute they seem to want you back and the next minute they ignore you.

Maybe it’s even less subtle than that, and they’ve flat out told you that they’re just not sure whether breaking up was the right decision, but they’re not willing to get back together either.

Whatever it is, if your ex seems to be flip-flopping all over the place, giving you mixed signals, and unwilling to commit to the breakup or to getting back together I’ll tell you why and what you need to do next.

Why Your Ex Seems Undecided

Here’s a simple reality check for you…

In situations where your ex can’t seem to make up their mind about the breakup, they’re almost always telling  the truth.

They’re not normally giving you the mixed messages or the flip-flop treatment because they’ve got some underlying motive or they’re trying to hide the truth to avoid hurting you. Most of the time–not always, but in the vast majority of situations–they genuinely don’t know what they want. They’re not faking it, they’re legitimately unable to decide or commit to a decision one way or another.

Now, if you want a second chance with this ex this is actually great news. It means they’re not fully committed to the breakup yet. It means they’re still trying to weigh the pros and cons, get a taste of what life is like without you around, or maybe even just enjoy some time and space to think.

Whatever their reasons, you can be optimistic about your odds of getting them back if they’re not willing to commit to a permanent breakup.

Before we move on and talk about how you can make your ex decide to take you back, let me briefly explain why your ex might be unable to make up their mind and commit to breaking up or getting back together.

The Real Reason They’re Acting This Way

Firstly, your ex is almost certainly scared. They’re terrified, in fact, of facing the reality of life without you by their side. They became accustomed to your relationship, they enjoyed the security and the companionship and intimacy that come with a long-term relationship… and they know that breaking up and losing all those things is going to be very painful.

It’s no secret that breakups are usually gut-wrenching for both people involved, and your ex knows that… and even though they likely won’t admit it, a lot of their indecision right now is probably driven by a fear of the breakup heartache.

But not only are they afraid of the heartache and pain that follows a breakup… they’re also afraid of losing you. They’re afraid that if they commit to breaking up — if they tell you outright, in no uncertain terms, that it’s over for good — you’ll move on and they’ll lose you for good. You won’t be around as a “plan B” backup option anymore.

RELATED: I Dumped My Ex & Now I Regret It (How To Get Them Back)

That’s maybe even MORE frightening than the post-breakup emotions… and that’s why they’re keeping you around, stringing you along by telling you they don’t know what they want. They’re holding on to you as a backup option, ensuring they don’t lose you for good before they’re ready to commit to a permanent breakup.

In some cases, your ex might even be stringing you along like this while they look for someone new… someone they hope they’ll be even more compatible with.

Sometimes they’ll do this because there were real, legitimate problems plaguing your relationship that they feel won’t be an issue in a future relationship with someone new… and sometimes it’s more a result of false assumptions and the glorified Hollywood “perfect soulmate” fantasy.

They might dream of having the kind of relationship they’ve seen in movies, where couples never fight and fall madly in love almost overnight. Obviously, we all know this isn’t the way things work in real life.

No relationship is perfect, and no-one finds their soulmate and lives happily ever after without any bumps along the way.

But some people fall victim to the “Grass Is Greener” syndrome and want to try and find greener pastures and chase that fantasy no matter how healthy and loving your relationship was.

RELATED: Why Did My Ex Break Up With Me? The REAL Truth Your Ex Is Hiding

Whatever the case is for your ex–whatever subconscious justifications they’ve got spinning around in their head that are making them string you along and avoid committing to a breakup or to getting back together–it’s likely based on genuine indecision on their part, and it’s also likely driven by an underlying fear of losing you.

What Can You Do To Convince Your Ex To Take You Back?

Like we already talked about, your ex fears losing you. They fear that by telling you in no uncertain terms that this breakup is real and permanent, they’ll no longer be able to change their mind if things don’t work out.

This is a great thing for your chances of getting them back… and you need to magnify that fear in the back of your ex’s mind, and make sure they understand what they’re losing if they don’t soon decide to commit to taking you back.

Remember: losing you is what they fear, and this is usually at the root of their indecisiveness.

So the more they feel that fear, that potential loss knowing you’ll no longer be around as their backup plan… the more urgency you create to the situation, and the more they will be tempted to ask you to take them back.

Go No Contact

How do you actually ensure that your ex feels this kind of urgency and sense of loss… to the point where it makes them decide to finally commit to getting back together? Well, the simplest way is just to employ a period of No Contact and stop letting them have it both ways.

Don’t be there for them any more… don’t let them adjust to life after the breakup slowly. Go cold turkey, and make them feel the full repercussions of breaking up and all the heartache that will come from you suddenly disappearing.

This might sound cold and devious, but I honestly don’t think it’s unfair at all to your ex. They’re stringing you along in a way… trying to have their cake and eat it too… and you’re simply standing up for your own right to move on and find someone who’s actually willing to commit to a relationship instead of leaving you hanging as a backup plan.

Even if your ex has zero desire to hurt you and their indecision about breaking up is completely subconscious, they’re still asking you for time apart by breaking up, despite not fully committing to that decision long term.

So, in my opinion, you shouldn’t feel at all guilty about going No Contact on an ex who can’t make up their mind or doesn’t know what they want.

Is there a possibility — a very slim possibility, even — that this could end up with your ex deciding to make things permanent? Maybe you’re worried that giving them time and space during No Contact will help them get over you and decide to make the breakup permanent… and that could, in some rare cases, actually be a risk.

RELATED: When NOT To Use No Contact

But it’s less of a risk than continuing to allow yourself to be strung along as your ex’s Plan B option, and continuing to be clingy and needy by sticking around hoping they’ll change their mind and commit to getting back together.

Final Thoughts

To sum it all up, if you want your ex back and they can’t seem to make up their mind or decide what they really want then your best bet for making them take you back is to show them that you’re not waiting around, that you’re confident enough to accept breaking up and move on to someone new… that you know you’re a great catch, and that you’re not willing to beg and plead with someone who won’t commit to being with you.

Employ a period of No Contact, get out there and be as busy and as social as possible… act like you’re quickly getting over your ex and you’ve fully accepted the breakup, even if they continue to occasionally throw you bread crumbs that suggest they might want you back.

If you do this correctly, and have the commitment to fully embrace the idea of moving on and acting like you believe this breakup is permanent… there’s a very good chance your ex will cave to the urgency and the fear of losing you and come crawling back, begging you for another chance.

In fact, this is a key component of the psychological techniques I share in my full tutorial video. So, for those of you who KNOW you belong with your ex and can’t stomach the idea of losing them… follow the advice I’ve given you, and make sure you watch my free tutorial video and apply all the strategies I share in that video as well. By doing so, you’ll be maximizing your chances and hopefully soon end up back with your ex in a new, more committed relationship.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.