If you want your ex back, it can be tempting to talk to them as much as possible, pursue them, and try to convince them to give you another shot.
But this is actually the WORST thing you can do in this situation.
Let me explain why chasing your ex is ineffective and why it’s so important not to chase your ex if you want them back.
Why You Should Never Chase Your Ex
The idea that you should NEVER chase your ex is something I learned very early on, and it’s been one of the most consistent lessons I’ve had to teach my clients ever since.
Because if you DO want to give yourself the best possible chance of starting over with your ex, you simply CANNOT let yourself start chasing them… it just doesn’t work, even though it’s the natural human reaction to a breakup and often feels like the right way to get them back.
What do I mean by “chase” your ex? Obviously I’m not talking about literally running down the street after them, although that would be an extreme example.
What I’m referring to is any action that essentially leads you to actively pursue your ex in an attempt to change their mind about breaking up or convince them to take you back.
This can be as simple as texting your ex repeatedly when they don’t respond initially, but generally it’s more abstract… it’s more about your own mindset and approach to dealing with your ex.
Chasing your ex means begging, pleading, spamming them with messages or calls, apologizing over and over, agreeing to their every demand, allowing them to manipulate or use you, sending flowers or gifts… these are things that I would define as “chasing” your ex, and they’re all terrible for your chances of getting them back.
What I DON’T mean, though, is that you should simply stop putting in any effort to win back your ex. That’s not what I’m saying at all. There are tons of things you can do — some of them you can do today, right now — to improve your chances and make your ex ask you for another chance.
In fact, my best-selling Ex Factor program is literally an entire online program outlining the countless strategies and techniques you can actively employ to reverse your breakup and win back your ex for good.
Why You Feel Compelled To Chase Your Ex
As I mentioned earlier, chasing your ex is what most humans will naturally tend to do when they’re dumped or when they change their mind about breaking up. When we want something from someone else in life, we ask for it, or we bargain for it, or we buy it… we don’t try to play mind games or think about psychology.
But when it comes to getting your ex back, asking for another chance… begging for another chance… trying to buy or bribe your way into another chance… trying to convince an ex to change their mind… those are the exact opposite things that actually make your ex WANT to take you back. So, it’s counter-intuitive, and doesn’t come naturally.
Our instinct is usually to chase after our ex and tighten our grip as we feel them slip further and further away… but, contrary to your instincts, the right way to go about things is the exact opposite of that, at least in most cases.
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And frankly, emotions play a big role in this: you probably love your ex a lot, you miss them like crazy, and you want them to know that. You want to tell them how badly you want to try again and start over, or explain how things will be different.
You fear losing your ex for good, and you worry that’s going to happen unless you act now and convince them to take you back. But when you act on those emotions and fears, you’re just chasing your ex and usually making it harder and harder to ever get them back.
What Happens When You Chase Your Ex
See, when you ask or beg your ex to take you back, you immediately “lower your own value”, so to speak, in the eyes of your ex. All of a sudden, you put your ex in total control and hand them all the power… you basically make yourself subservient to them. This is fundamentally unattractive, and 99% of the time it’s going to make your ex MORE confident that breaking up was the right choice.
They’re not usually going to think to themselves, “wow, this is pathetic, my ex is a loser and I can do better” but they will subconsciously perceive you in a less positive, less attractive way.
They might still tell you they love you and miss you even after you do and say things that ‘lower your value’, but they will see you differently on a subconscious level and that will result in them being less and less interested in ever taking you back.
More than that, when you chase your ex, this shows you’re willing to do or say anything that will give you a chance to talk to them or see them in person.
You’re totally vulnerable to being used and manipulated by your ex, and you remove any sense of urgency or pressure for your ex to change their mind.
This is especially true if you decide to ignore my advice and NOT employ a period of No Contact after the breakup–when you’re always there for your ex, you always immediately reply to their texts, agree to whatever time and place they suggest to meet up, and bend over backwards at any chance to help them with a favour.
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These are nice things to do, but they show your ex that they can have whatever relationship with you that they want. You’ll be there, ready to reply to their text instantly or pick up the phone and agree to pick them up from the bar at 2am… and you’ll be there if, at any point in the future, they want to change their mind about breaking up and get back together.
I know that might SOUND amazing — “My ex knows I’ll eagerly agree to get back together any time? Great!” — but the problem is with the phrase “any time”. Your ex doesn’t need to change their mind today, tomorrow, or even after they start dating new people… as long as you’re chasing them, they have no urgency to take you back, and you’ll always serve as a backup plan for them.
So when you apply the No Contact strategy, for example, you’re not giving your ex what they want. You’re not giving them an unlimited time frame to test the waters or find someone new, knowing they can just change their mind about breaking up and you’ll readily agree.
Sure, you WOULD agree if they asked, and that doesn’t need to change–but they need to WORRY that you may NOT agree, and feel like the clock is ticking and soon you’ll move on and find someone new, forcing them to commit permanently to the breakup.
The “No Contact” Difference
No Contact upends your ex’s expectations, and forces them to feel the full consequences of breaking up… along with creating uncertainty about what you’re doing and whether you’ll be willing to take them back. It makes you seem like a high value individual.
That can often, by itself, change your ex’s mind about breaking up — in fact, I see it all the time when my coaching clients use No Contact.
Their ex will often panic after a week or two of silence, and realize that this might be permanent unless they change their mind soon, and they then buckle under the pressure and fear of loss.
Again, No Contact is a perfect example of not chasing your ex… and yet still improving the chances of getting back together. Similarly, that’s why I recommend strategies like what I call “Covert Jealousy” and even stuff as minute as waiting a few hours to respond to your ex’s text messages can make a big difference and ensure you’re not chasing your ex and letting them take the driver’s seat.
Sending your ex gifts, flowers, or love notes… these are signs of desperation, and they’re going to come across to your ex as though you’re chasing after them.
And while there may be 1 in a thousand cases where spilling out your heart in a long love letter to your ex will actually work and help you win them back, the other 999 times out of a thousand, it’ll be a turn-off for your ex and shift the balance of power further in their favour.
If you want to do that kind of thing — gush your heart out to your ex, get down on your knees and beg them to forgive you, show up at their door with a ring and propose–do it knowing that it’s only to satisfy your need to share your feelings or to ensure you don’t regret not doing so down the road.
Because in terms of how effective that kind of thing is to actually convincing your ex to take you back… well, it’s just not effective at all, and I’m saying that after 13 years of experience working with clients in this exact situation.
Is Chasing Your Ex EVER A Good Idea?
Maybe you’re left wondering… are there any times where chasing your ex CAN be a good idea? What if your ex is the type of person who WANTS to be chased, and will get angry or resentful if you DON’T put in the effort to chase them and ‘play the game’, so to speak, like they want you to?
Frankly, that kind of situation is more about your ex’s ego and desire to feel wanted than anything else. Generally speaking, you don’t want to play ball regardless of what your ex wants, although sometimes you might need to sort of ‘throw them a bone’ every now and then to keep them from becoming genuinely angry that you’re not initiating contact enough or trying to keep their attention.
But overall, no, there’s almost no situation where chasing your ex is a good idea if you are hoping to get them back.
And let me share one final reason not to chase your ex, beyond everything I’ve already talked about: it’s going to hurt your own self-esteem, and it could possibly even cause people around you to lose respect for you.
Strong, confident people don’t chase after others for long.
They have the confidence and self-belief not to play that game, and the willpower and discipline to use proven effective strategies like No Contact and everything else I teach in my Ex Factor program.
They adopt a mindset of, “my ex made a mistake breaking up with me, and I hope they realize that before I find someone new”… they have pride and won’t let themselves be used, manipulated, or strung along by an ex even if they love them and miss them.
So, by not chasing your ex, you greatly improve your chances of actually getting them back, and you’re taking the high road and showcasing your confidence and self-worth to everyone around you… including your ex.